


The Heart Wants What It Wants

by LShades



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - High School, Bullying, Child Abuse, Child Neglect, Fluff and Angst, Homophobia, Insults, Light Angst, M/M, Mild Smut, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Secret Relationship, Strangers to Lovers, Underage Drinking, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-18
Updated: 2021-01-31
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:21:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 44,870
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27622637
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LShades/pseuds/LShades
Summary: Felix dreads moving to Korea because he has to leave his friends and everything he knows behind to start a new life in this foreign country. But his first day at the new school turns out to be even worse than he imagined when he stumbles right into the infamous trio of bullies that the whole student body is afraid of. And of course, it's just Felix's luck that he slowly develops feelings for one of them.Or: Changbin is friends with the bad guys and Felix accidentally gets in their way.
Relationships: Han Jisung | Han/Lee Minho | Lee Know, Lee Felix/Seo Changbin, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Comments: 241
Kudos: 228





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to this story!  
> If you read this after my last story, you may be disappointed because this one is very different. It's a modern setting, shorter and very cliché but if that's what you're looking for, this fic is for you <3

When Felix's alarm goes off, he's already wide awake. He has been for a few hours now because he just couldn't shake off the feeling of anxiety once he woke up from his already fitful sleep. 

With a sigh, he swings his legs over the mattress lying on the floor that represents his temporary bed and feels the laminate for his phone. Despite him always sleeping with the blinds open, he can't see much of his room as it's still dark outside. That's why by the time his fingers graze over the bumps of his phone case, Felix is already annoyed by _Jingle Bells_ playing on repeat. 

Yes, his alarm tone is a Christmas Carol, so what? It was an inside joke within their group of friends back in Australia to randomly change the tunes the others would wake up to. And now Felix doesn't have the heart to change it back to something that isn't such a pain in the ass to wake up to because it reminds him of his friends and his home back in Sydney. And he misses both of them a lot. 

With an aching heart, he taps on his phone and effectively stops his alarm with the action. Sighing once again, Felix picks up the clothes he has neatly folded and stacked next to his mattress after pulling them out of his suitcase yesterday. It's grey ripped jeans and a rose-colored, oversized hoodie that matches his hair. His comfy outfit he wears when feeling unsure about something.

He steps into the bathroom on the other side of the hallway and takes a hot shower that helps him to ignore the homesickness and fear he feels.

There's nothing to be afraid of, he tells himself as he steps out of the shower and wraps himself in a huge fluffy towel. It's his first day of junior year. Or as he is in Korea now: His first day of second grade. His first day at a new school in a foreign country.

He is afraid of what could go wrong. Maybe he won't find his way around. Maybe he won't be able to make friends because his Korean isn't as good as he thinks. Maybe he won't be able to keep up with the other students as he heard the Korean school system is supposed to be very tough. But Felix gulps all these worries down because deep inside he is still an optimist. Always trying his best to see the positive in a situation, always trying to look at the glass of water as if it's half full and not half empty. 

With the side of his hand, Felix wipes away the fog clouding the round mirror that's hanging over the sink. He knows it will probably leave streaks and his mother will scold him for it but he doesn't care at the moment. Felix stares at his blurry reflection. Full lips, button nose, freckles scattered all over it, light pink hair. Then he focuses on his eyes.

"You can do this, Felix", he says in English before stopping himself and repeating the sentence in Korean. Better get used to it now. 

His parents originally come from Korea and wanted to go back there after living in Australia for so long. Going back to the roots or whatever. And Felix understands that and was even a little excited to move here despite him missing his old life, his friends and his hometown. But in all of his seventeen years of living, Felix has never left Australia. That's why coming to Korea is like a big adventure for him.

Once dried and dressed, Felix descends the stairs and walks towards the kitchen. He crosses the still pretty empty living room on the way, only a plant and a bookshelf without any books are decorating one corner. Why they have only managed to get these unnecessary things in time, Felix doesn't know. But he hopes that the rest of their furniture will arrive soon so that this house will feel a little bit more like home. Hopefully. 

"Good morning, honey!", Felix's mother cheerfully greets him in English as she is whisking something in the kitchen. 

This is one of his few regrets, Felix thinks. That he never bothered to learn Korean when he was younger and that his parents only taught him the bare minimum. The last months before coming here, Felix spent on speed learning Korean and he knows that it is still lacking. Still, he thinks he will manage for now and he still has time to improve his skills and learn more words. Besides, it should be easier once he is surrounded by Korean speaking people so he tells himself not to worry. 

"You want pancakes?", she asks.

Felix gives her a grateful smile and nods.

"You're the best", he says and presses a kiss onto her cheek. 

Then he takes three plates out of the opened box standing by his mother's feet.

"Don't get used to it. It's only because it's your first day and I don't have work this week yet", his mom chuckles and pours the batter into the pan.

Felix looks around with the tableware in his hands, a little helpless. 

"Umm, mom? Where should we eat?", he asks. "On the floor?"

She turns away from the stove for a moment to inspect the empty living room area. 

"Why not?", his mother shrugs when she doesn't find a better alternative. "That's how you traditionally eat in Korea anyway."

"Right", Felix huffs out. "Because you traditionally eat this kind of pancakes in Korea."

Nevertheless, he gets a box from the stack under the staircase and places the plates onto it just when his father comes plodding down the stairs, clearly still half asleep. 

"Morning, dad", Felix greets him as he rummages through the cardboard box in the kitchen for a second time in order to find some cutlery to eat the pancakes with. 

"You don't happen to know where the forks and knives went, or do you?"

"It's in one of these cartons, I'm sure of it", his father chuckles as he points towards the mountain of boxes beneath the staircase. 

Felix sighs and pulls what he can find out of the one in front of him. 

"Spoons and chopsticks it is then", he says with a laugh. 

And although everything is still a mess, unfinished and improvised, Felix thinks this is a great breakfast. The pancakes are delicious together with the maple syrup he and his father have bought yesterday and it doesn't bother him to eat them with chopsticks either. He's embracing the culture, Felix thinks to himself as he sits on the warm tiles together with his parents. Underfloor heating be thanked. But his insides feel warm too. If the beginning of your day is good, the rest can't go bad either. That's what his mother likes to say and Felix agrees. He is not as afraid anymore as he has been tonight or this morning. Everything will go well. Be positive and positive things will happen. It's the law of attraction and that's practically science, right? And science has never betrayed him before. 

That's how Felix finds himself at the school gates, fifteen minutes before his first lesson starts, with a big smile on his face. Well, maybe it's not as big as he would hope, but it's still a smile. He thinks he deserves some credit for that. 

The pink-haired boy turns around one last time to watch his mother's car drive away. He can do this. He breathes in. He can speak Korean well enough. He breathes out. He is a nice person and won't have problems finding friends. He breathes in. His parents have already arranged everything beforehand. He got his schedule and just has to find the right room now. That shouldn't be too hard, he can do it.

He breathes out one last time, long and as calm as possible, before pulling one of the heavy front doors open.

Felix has never been to the school before but he must say that it doesn't look very out of the ordinary to him. Just like every other school he has seen in Australia too, he thinks as he steps into the grand hall that leads over to several stairs and smaller hallways. 

He looks around for a plan of the building or the like, but he isn't that lucky. With a sigh, he gets the printed schedule out of the front pocket of his oversized hoodie. Room 201, English. He knows that already since he has practically learned the times, lessons, teachers and rooms by heart beforehand to calm his nervousness. But now he still feels uncertain and looks at it again, just to make sure. 

He figures he could ask one of the many students in the entrance hall waiting for their classes to begin. But they all stand together in groups, not sparing him a glance. And Felix doesn't feel confident enough to interrupt their conversations. So he settles on walking to random rooms until he gets the hang of the system behind their arrangement or until he meets a nice-looking student who looks as lonely as he feels. 

With feigned confidence, Felix straightens his shoulders and crosses the hall with a smile on his face. Maybe someone will talk to him voluntarily if he looks welcoming and approachable himself. 

He walks towards the nearest hallway and lets his eyes wander over the plates next to the doors. 102. 104. 106. On the opposite side all the numbers in between. Sadly, there's no 2 in front of any of those. Maybe he has to go to the second floor? That would make sense, at least. 

He goes back to where he came from and looks up at the enormous clock hanging in the hall. Felix curses under his breath. 7:53. He doesn't have much time left and just like himself, the other students start to shuffle towards their classrooms now. 

Maybe it's time to talk to one of them, Felix contemplates anxiously. But something about them seems off, he realizes now. Something that makes him feel completely out of place. He just doesn't know what it is. Maybe it's that they all have friends and he doesn't. Maybe it's that Koreans hold themselves differently. However, Felix doesn't even know if that's a thing. But maybe it's also just Felix's mind telling him that he doesn't belong here. What a traitor. Of course, he belongs here. Why shouldn't he? His mind can really shut up if it's only going to talk him down. 

Before he can figure out what it actually is that's different about the students or before he can muster the courage to talk to them, someone crashes into him. 

"What the hell?", he hears a yell.

A moment later, someone yanks at Felix's collar and pushes him against the wall underneath the staircase where they are hidden from curious eyes. 

Felix's breath is knocked out at the impact. He doesn't know what's happening and he furiously blinks until the boy in front of him becomes clearer. He has his bushy eyebrows furrowed and his lips purses, indicating something is wrong. Only Felix doesn't know what. He wasn't the one walking into the other after all. He was just standing there. 

"I'm sorry, c-can I help you?", Felix stumbles over the Korean words. 

The boy laughs in his face. 

"l don't know, can you?", the boy asks, clearly angry. 

Felix can't see the guy's body as he stands too close. But judging from the strength he is holding Felix with, he can only have a strong build. 

"Maybe start with following the rules, dipshit!"

Felix gulps anxiously. No, he won't let himself be intimidated on his first day by an idiot who got up on the wrong side of the bed.

"And what would those be?", Felix asks as he raises his chin and meets the other's eyes. 

The furry on the boy's face grows at Felix's snappy response. 

"There's a hierarchy among the student body, like a food chain. And we are at the top of it", he says and gestures to the two boys behind him that Felix hasn't noticed before. 

Felix almost wants to laugh. This guy sounds like he came straight out of a bad high school movie. Who does he think he is? Sharpay? Regina George? 

"And?", Felix spits back. 

The boy clicks his tongue. Maybe Felix is pushing his luck. That guy definitely has more muscles than Regina George. 

"Do I need to spell it out for you? We are at the top and you are at the bottom. You're nothing like dirt under my shoes."

"You don't even know me!"

"Exactly! Did you really think we would welcome a newbie at our school? Think again."

Then he stares down at where his hands still grab onto Felix's hoodie. 

"And what the hell are you even wearing? Ever heard of school uniforms?"

Felix gasps. That's why the others looked so different to him. They all wore their uniforms and Felix forgot to wear his in his state of nervousness.

"l- I'm sorry-", Felix stammers but is interrupted by a chuckle. 

"And pink? Seriously? Could have taken you for a girl with that pretty face of yours", he says and swirls one pink strand of hair around his finder.

"Is he a fag or what?", one of the boys in the background asks. 

The lanky boy has his arms crossed in front of his chest and smirks at him as if he has said the funniest thing ever.

The guy who is holding onto Felix lets go of him abruptly, a disgusted look painting his face. 

"Yuck!", he exclaims and wipes his hands on his dark blue pants. 

Felix absentmindedly registers how his eyes water.

"Come on, we're gonna be late for class", another one says. 

This boy has a sharp jawline and pitch-black hair and regards Felix intently with his dark eyes. Felix would have found him handsome if he didn't know he was a bully. 

"Fine", the boy who seems to be the leader of the group says and turns around. The others follow behind.

When they are out of sight, Felix slides down the wall behind him and silently lets his tears fall.

He was worried that his Korean wouldn't be good enough, that he would fall behind in class or that he would have a hard time finding friends. Not that he would be attacked on his first day by some jerks looking for trouble. 

Felix feels ridiculous for crying. They haven't even done anything but calling him names. But it has been the first time someone has spoken to him like that and the first time somebody was homophobic like this towards him. It's probably only the shock.

He still feels ridiculous. That's why he gets up from the dirty floor and climbs the stairs he has been sitting under. His gaze wanders towards the clock. 8:04. Shit.

Felix runs through the corridors, counting the numbers in his head until he finally arrives at room 201. He knocks and waits while trying to catch his breath. 

"I apologize for being late", Felix says as earnestly as he can once the door is opened by a teacher. Mrs. Yang, if his memory is correct. He only hopes his tears have not left his face all red and blotchy as they usually do. 

"Lee Felix?", she asks. Felix nods. 

"Why aren't you wearing your uniform?"

"I forgot about it, I'm sorry. I'll wear it tomorrow though!"

He notices that some of the students in the room give him funny looks. He ignores them. 

"I sure hope so", Mrs. Yang replies. "Please go home and come back tomorrow when you're dressed appropriately."

Felix openly gapes at her. Maybe he has heard something wrong? Maybe it's because of his Korean?

"Are you serious?", he asks, hoping it doesn't sound rude. 

"Don't I look serious to you?", the teacher asks with a raised eyebrow. "Our school is very strict regarding the dress code. I'm sorry, but there is nothing I can do for you."

And with that, the door is closed in his face.

He just stands and stares, stunned for a few seconds.

He has expected _anything_ but not to be practically kicked out of school on his first day. 

After a few minutes, he finally breaks his staring contest with the door, accepts his fate and steps down the stairs. Everything is calm now as the buzzing of the chatting students has subsided. No one is around anymore. Felix is alone. But hasn't he been alone since he stepped into the building? 

Now he walks outside and pulls out his phone. He knows his mother is at home today but he doesn't dare to call her to pick him up. She would just be worried and Felix wants to postpone that for as long as he can. So he taps onto Naver Map and looks for the shortest route to his new house.

If this was a movie, Felix thinks, it would start raining now. But it doesn't. Instead, the late summer sun shines on him, almost as if it wants to make fun of the freckled boy. 

_If the beginning of your day is good, the rest can't go bad either._

Felix wants to laugh and cry at the same time. 

He has made up so many scenarios of what could go wrong but his optimistic side convinced him every time that it wouldn't happen. And it wasn't wrong. Nothing he expected happened. It was worse than everything he could have imagined.

Suddenly, _Jingle Bells_ starts playing in his head as he passes through a park. Felix groans. As if his day isn't bad enough already. His mind really is a traitor.

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aand that was the first chapter!
> 
> I will probably take my time with updating this story because I don't want to stress myself this time around. I hope you understand ♡
> 
> So, what do you think so far? Please leave your opinions in the comments and I'll see you in the next chapter~


	2. Chapter 2

When Felix came home yesterday, his mother was obviously surprised to see him and questioned what happened. He told her about the uniform and she apologized for not remembering it either. Felix told her it was okay, walked upstairs and fell into his bed. If she noticed something was off with him, she at least didn't confront him about it, probably thinking he was only sad not to be able to be at school. And she was not wrong about that. 

Felix really wanted to be at school. He even contemplated changing his clothes and going back. There shouldn't be a problem with that, right? But as he was about to take off his pink hoodie, he was reminded of the guy who had grabbed it and pressed him against the wall. Of being insulted and humiliated. A shudder went through his body and instead of taking his uniform, he slipped into his bunny pyjamas and under the sheets lying on his mattress. 

No, he wouldn't go back there. Not today, maybe not tomorrow either. He can just stay here in his room, right? Screw education, screw compulsory school attendance. As long as he doesn't have to see those three guys ever again, he can live his life happily. 

But of course, life isn't happy the next morning because compulsory education is still a thing. And parents are too.

When Felix still isn't downstairs at 7:30, his father knocks on his door.

"You good in there?"

"Yes", Felix replies. "Give me five minutes."

He hears his father walk down the stairs and lets go of a long breath. He looks into his bathroom mirror.

No, he is not good. He is shaking and pale and Felix doesn't understand how one little conversation could have such an impact on him. Fine, he has never been the toughest guy around, but that doesn't mean he lets himself be fucked over like that! Or does it? Isn't looking in the mirror, insecurely fidgeting with the hem of his uniform's blouse, wallowing in self-pity and dreading going to school the epitome of being intimidated and accepting defeat?

But no, he doesn't want to accept defeat. They can't play him like a fiddle, he won't allow it. Where did his optimism go now that he needs it? If you think positively, positive things will happen to you, right? But hasn't he thought that yesterday as well? 

Felix shakes his head and straightens his back. Maybe he hasn't believed in it enough, but today he would. Sure, he has probably missed the most important day of this entire year. He has missed a chance to learn his way around the school. Has missed the introductions of subjects, teachers and students. Has missed the chance of meeting new people and finding friends.

But he can catch up on all of this today. The second day, a second chance. Some things just don't work out at the first attempt and that's okay. It's not the end of the world and no reason to stop trying again.

"Felix? We should really get going!", his mom shouts from downstairs. 

"Coming!", Felix yells back.

He nods at his reflection one last time before leaving his room.

.

When he enters the school building this time, his heart feels even heavier than yesterday. But he is determined to make this a good day.

He knows he has to go to room 113 today and he is certain it must be in the hallway he examined yesterday.

The clock says 7:50 and Felix doesn't linger in the hallway this time. He has seen everything already and the students still don't seem to notice him. That's how he makes his way straight to the hallway while watching out for some certain faces. With steady steps, he reaches the end of the corridor and thank God, the plate next to the last door on the right actually reads 113. 

Felix almost laughs out loud at the feeling of relief and happiness in his chest. But then he reminds himself that a) he doesn't want to look like a weirdo, even if nobody is around yet, and b) it wasn't even a huge accomplishment. He is still a little proud though. He found his biology classroom in under a minute and that in one piece, still alive, without being slammed against a wall. He thinks that's pretty decent. 

After a few minutes, the other students and the teacher, Mr. Oh, arrive and Felix is confronted with a problem he hasn't thought about yet - Seating arrangements. But the others seem a little hesitant as well since it's their first biology lesson this year too. That makes Felix feel a little better as he sits down in an empty seat in the second row, right next to the window. If Felix has learned anything from his time in school in Australia, it was that you could never go wrong with choosing the second row. The teachers still take you for a studious student but don't have their eyes on you as much as on the ones sitting at the very front.

The seats in the classroom are being filled around Felix but nobody sits next to him. As expected, they probably all know each other already. Felix would sit with his friends too if he had the choice, they always made the lessons a lot more fun. But they have their own classes in the other hemisphere, so far away from him. 

Felix already wants to sigh, accepting that he will sit alone through all his classes for the rest of the school year. And probably the next one as well. But then a late-comer walks straight towards him, plops down on the chair next to Felix and greets him with a "Hey" as if the two of them had known each other forever. Then he proceeds to take out a notebook as well as a pencil case.

Felix stares at the boy, confused. He has chestnut brown hair, a small frame - just like Felix - and chubby cheeks. He looks cute and reminds him of a squirrel but Felix still doesn't get the way he treats him. 

At the front, Mr. Oh is taking attendance. Felix tries to concentrate on the names, tries to remember them. But it goes in one ear and out the other as he is still trying to figure his seatmate out. Maybe he's friends with the bullies. Maybe this is a trick. 

"Han Jisung."

"Here", the boy next to him says and raises his hand.

"So, Felix. Care to tell me why you have been staring at me for the last few minutes?", the squirrel-boy - or rather Han Jisung - suddenly speaks up and looks at him. 

Felix flinches and turns his head but it's obvious that he has been caught in the act of staring. 

"I- how do you know my name?", Felix stutters out.

"Mrs. Yang called you that yesterday before kicking you out", Jisung explains and shrugs his shoulders. "That was pretty cool by the way. I have never seen anyone not following the dress code. Maybe we should do it together sometime."

Felix looks at him in shock. Not only does he have no plans on forgetting his school uniform ever again, but he also doesn't get how Jisung is still acting as if they know each other. 

"Anyway, you're changing topics. Why were you staring at me? Was it my irresistible charms?", Jisung inquires and wiggles his eyebrows suggestively.

Felix is sure he is blushing but he tries to hide his flustered state by coughing into the crook of his elbow. 

"I- I mean-" Something sparkling catches his eyes. "It was your earrings", he finishes and wants to hit himself. His earrings, really? 

But Jisung seems to buy it and absentmindedly touches his earlobe with his hand. 

"Ohh they are nice, right?", Jisung asks. 

They are simple, golden rings. Nothing Felix would stare at for too long as they don't look special, but Jisung looks happy and Felix has already confessed to liking his earrings, so he nods. 

"I got them only this summer actually. I was in Malaysia to visit some friends and then we went downtown and there was this shop and I thought, why not pierce my ears and boom! I did it, as you can see. And then I come back here and guess what? You're the first person complimenting me for them! Not even my so-called friends noticed them yesterday, these traitors. Can you believe that?"

He said that all without breathing, apparently, and for a moment Felix wonders if he is even human or rather an alien or maybe a rapper. Needless to say, Felix is rendered speechless for a second and Mr. Oh gives them the evil eye.

"Unbelievable", Felix whispers in reply because he doesn't know what else to say. 

"Right?", Jisung chuckles, making it obvious that he's not actually mad at his friends. "But I have you now, so I'll manage."

"What do you mean?", Felix asks and cocks his head. 

"We're sitting together at least four hours a week. So we can just as well become friends, right?"

Yes, Felix thinks and smiles, this day is already going a lot better. 

.

After biology class, Felix walks to room 203 on his own because Jisung doesn't share his history class. But he has gotten the other's phone number and the promise that he will help Felix if he needs help with anything. Felix feels like a weight is lifted off his shoulders. 

He also knows where the history classroom is as it is right next to the one he has English in. He hopes that Mrs. Yang isn't mad at him for missing his first English lesson, as well as the teachers of the other subjects he was supposed to have yesterday. Hopefully, he can at least score points with his perfect English in Mrs. Yang's class. 

"Hey", a slightly familiar voice startles Felix. 

When he looks up, he freezes as his eyes widen in fear. It's one of the guys from yesterday. The attractive one with the pointy chin and dark hair. Felix notices that he is actually smaller than him by a few centimeters. But there is this tough aura around the boy that makes him no less intimidating. 

The boy opens his mouth to say something, probably an insult. But Felix will never know what it was because of the two figures approaching them. 

"Changbin, there you are!" The voice sends shivers over Felix's back. 

"Aww, are you terrorizing the kid again? Without us? Let us have some fun too!"

The guy really is strongly-built, just as Felix expected. Felix shrinks into himself when he takes a step towards him.

"What is this about, Deokhwan?", a new voice asks, seemingly belonging to a teacher. 

Felix is not religious but he thanks every God out there for saving him from his misery. 

"We're only trying to help the poor kid. Looked a little lost", the leader of the group, Deokhwan, answers with an easy smile on his face. Like this, Felix could almost believe he wasn't a bad person. Almost. 

The teacher sends them to their class anyway and Felix lets go of the breath he has been holding. Changbin glances back at him, probably thinking about the next best opportunity to corner him or even beat him up. Felix shivers again, then he follows the woman who apparently is his history teacher into the classroom. He only hopes that this opportunity will never come up.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They talked! Or rather Changbin said one word :'D I know, this was probably a little disappointing but I promise they will interact more in the next chapter 👀
> 
> Kudos and comments are very appreciated <33
> 
> See you~


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a quick reminder to only proceed reading if you are okay with the tags. That's all, thank you ♥

Felix sits through his geography class with a bored expression on his face, resting his chin on his hand. He really can't imagine anything less exciting than listening to the teacher's dull voice, educating them about different irrigation methods Felix will never need in his life. And all of that without anyone to distract him. 

Over the past couple of days, Jisung has introduced him to his friends Seungmin and Hyunjin who are in their grade too. Felix found out that he shares all of his classes with at least one of them and so they started to walk to their classrooms in a group and sit together. Felix found it was surprisingly easy talking to all of them. Seungmin was a little reserved at first but Jisung and Hyunjin's constant bickering eased the tension and soon the other two were able to join in. 

That's how Felix finds himself missing all of them now as geography is the only class they don't share with him.

Under the table, he checks his phone for probably the third time over the last ten minutes, only to see the cute little bunny of his phone wallpaper stare back at him every time. Now the bunny's face is covered with messages though and Felix immediately sits up straighter, feeling excited. 

**Han Jisung**

_ Hey hey! _

_ Let's walk to PE together? We can show you the way! _

_ Just let me know where we can meet up! _

Felix smiles at his phone. 

He has already been worried because he doesn't know how to get to the school's gym. But he has classmates to rely on now. Maybe even friends.

**You**

_ That would be great! _

_ Let's just meet at the main entrance?  _

  
  


**Han Jisung**

_ Gotcha _

When the bell rings, signaling the end of the lesson and Felix's suffering, the pink-haired boy sighs in relief and all but skips downstairs. 

Felix waits in the entrance hall once he gets there. Jisung is nowhere to be seen yet but the short break before his last two lessons this week has just begun. So they should still have enough time, Felix hopes. 

"Hi Felix!", someone greets him but it's not Jisung. 

"Hey Seungmin!", Felix replies with a small smile. "Do you have gym class too now?"

Seungmin nods and silence lays itself over them as they wait for Jisung. To Felix's pleasant surprise, he doesn't feel uncomfortable though. It has been a long day and he doesn't feel the need to talk, Seungmin apparently doesn't either. 

Once Jisung and Hyunjin arrive and they make their way towards the gym, the calm is broken though. 

"I'm so excited because they decided to pair our class with the senior students!", Jisung exclaims. "That means we can finally spend more time with Chan-hyung and Minho-hyung!"

Felix has heard them talk a lot about the two older students but he has not met them yet as he always declined to join them for lunch, scared of meeting the seniors. He's a little afraid to meet them now too but also excited because Jisung has told him that Chan is from Australia too. 

Seungmin rolls his eyes at the squirrel-boy. "Just admit that you're more excited for the dressing room than actually spending time with them."

In his peripheral view, Felix can see Jisung blush furiously.

"Stop making me look like a creep!", Jisung yells, still flustered. 

"Is he wrong though?", Hyunjin pipes in and giggles. 

Jisung doesn't give the tall boy an answer to that and the rest of the walk he is suspiciously more quiet. Felix wants to ask what all of this is about but he decides not to do it. They are not that close yet and if Jisung wanted him to know, then he would talk about it.

It luckily only takes them a few minutes to arrive at the hall next to the school building. His new friends seem to know exactly where to go and which door to enter inside and Felix just follows them.

As soon as the door to the changing room is opened, the smell of sweat and rubber and too much deodorant hits him. Felix takes a free spot next to the others and changes into his sportswear as fast as possible in order to escape that ungodly stench.

Once they are all dressed, they enter the gym hall where Jisung immediately lets go of a loud shriek. 

"Channie-hyung! Minho-hyung!", he exclaims and runs towards two boys standing together, talking. 

"Hey Ji", the one with black hair greets him and ruffles his hair affectionately. 

Even standing behind them, Felix sees how Jisung's ears turn red. 

"Idiots", he can hear Seungmin mumble next to him and Felix laughs at that. 

Sadly, it also draws the other boys' attention to him. Felix swallows and smiles at them nervously. 

"Let me introduce you to Chan-hyung and Minho-hyung! And this is Felix!", Jisung says to cover up his flustered state. 

"Hi Felix", Minho, the dark-haired one, greets him with a catlike smile. 

"G'day mate!", Chan exclaims in a typical Australian accent. "It's so cool to meet another Australian!"

Felix feels his shoulders relax. He internally curses himself for being afraid of meeting them. They seem friendly and it's so nice hearing someone speak his mother tongue here in school except for his English teacher. 

It doesn't take long for Chan and Felix to start an animated conversation about their favorite places in Sydney and Felix thinks he hasn't felt this light in a long time. 

But of course, something has to break that content moment.

They don't even seem to notice him from where they are standing on the other side of the net parting the hall in two. But Felix notices them and it's enough to make him stiffen. 

He has seen them a few times this week in passing but since he has always been together with the others, they have not bothered him again. Felix thought it was too good to be true that they just left him alone, but he certainly wasn't complaining either. And right now, he is surrounded by a lot of other students and he can see the teacher approach them, so nothing should happen. But they are still standing a little too close for comfort in Felix's opinion.

Then suddenly, as if the boy has felt Felix's gaze on him, Changbin turns his head and finds his eyes. It's like he stares right into his soul and Felix almost chokes on air. 

"You okay?", Jisung asks as he pats Felix's back caringly. 

Felix nods and looks up again. Changbin is still staring at him. But unfortunately, the others have noticed him now too and give him dirty looks. 

"Oh, that's Deokhwan, Changbin and Kangdae", Hyunjin who has caught the scene explains. "Just stay away from them and they will stay away from you too, if you're lucky."

Felix gulps. Too late. He hasn't been lucky.

"I hate them", Seungmin says as he rolls his eyes, a habit of his. "They think they are somehow superior to the rest of us and let their aggression out on other students. You're really better off ignoring them."

Felix nods and looks away from the group and towards his teacher who starts taking attendance and explaining the rules of volleyball to them. Felix has trouble understanding the many technical terms he uses but he has played beach volleyball in Australia for years so he should be fine. 

They practice setting and forearm passing in the first hour and Felix is relieved to be paired up with Chan. He doesn't know the older yet but he already feels comfortable around him and they fall into a light conversation while passing the ball over the net with ease. 

"You're both very good", the teacher remarks when he stands behind them to judge their technique. 

"Maybe you could demonstrate a two on two for the others?"

When they both agree, the coach blows the whistle hanging around his neck to gain the students' attention. 

"I need two more players to demonstrate how a game can work. We'll get into the actual game with twelve players next week", he explains. "So, who wants to try their luck against Chan and Felix?"

As soon as his name is mentioned, an arm shoots up. Felix can't say he's surprised to see that it belongs to Deokhwan but his pulse quickens nevertheless. 

The boy drags his friend - Kangdae, as Felix has learned - onto the field while rotating a ball on his index finger. Felix can hear screaming and clapping from above where a few girls he knows from his classes have sat down on the stands to watch them. Deokhwan salutes them in return which only fuels the screams to grow louder. 

Felix wants to groan in annoyance. So this guy is not only an asshole but apparently also the school's heartthrob. How awesome. 

"You can start", the well-built boy says with a smirk on his face as he throws the ball over at Felix. 

The freckled boy catches the ball easily but doesn't reply. When the teacher blows his whistle again, Felix decides to go for a topspin right away and serves by throwing the ball high and hitting it with his wrist at the right time. 

He watches how Deokhwan's smile is wiped from his face but sadly the boy still manages to return the ball.

Only after a few passes, it becomes clear to Felix that the other team is focusing on him. Or more specifically on bringing him down. Be it by not catching the ball or directly by being hit by it. 

But Felix has too much experience to be beaten like that by the two bullies. He is quick in his movements, returns every ball with a little more force and sets them to Chan just right so that they score point after point together. 

But with every point they score, Deokhwan looks angrier and this frustration is reflected in the way throws the balls increasingly more aggressively. By now, they come in so hard that Felix almost dodges away. But he won't give the older the satisfaction of that. Instead, he uses his own pent-up anger and spikes the ball over the net, fast and clean. And right in Deokhwan's face. 

Gasps are going around the students but other than that it's silent as everyone watches the boy fall to the ground, hand covering his bleeding nose. 

Then the silence is broken by the girls cheering Felix's name. The other students join the noise by laughing and talking and pointing fingers at Deokhwan. Felix looks at them in shock. It's not like it has been his intention to hurt the boy and an injury is certainly nothing to celebrate or make fun of. He shakes his head. He will probably never understand people.

Felix walks over to the other side of the net just as the teacher kneels down next to the boy on the floor. 

"Hey, I'm really sorry! I didn't mean to hurt you", Felix says sheepishly. 

The boy has been nothing but disgusting towards him but Felix still feels sorry for him.

"Are you okay?", he asks and extends his hand to help Deokhwan on his feet. But he is only met with a deathly glare.

"Fuck off, faggot", he yells as he slaps Felix's hand away and it makes everyone shut up again. 

Felix can feel all the eyes on him and he takes a few steps back on autopilot. Then he turns around and power walks back to the changing room as fast as he can without looking like he's running away. Although he is doing exactly that.

He slumps onto the bench underneath the clothes hooks and sighs deeply. He should have stayed instead of hiding like an idiot. Now everyone knows it is actually true, he should have just laughed the insult off. At this moment, he wishes more than ever to be back in Australia. Sure, not all people are accepting there either, but Felix has never felt the need to hide his sexuality as strongly as he did since coming to Korea. 

He's torn from his thoughts when an arm wraps itself around his shoulder. Only then Felix realizes that his classmates are filling the room, some giving him weird looks, some ignoring him completely. 

"Don't worry about them", Chan, who the arm around Felix belongs to, says. "They are idiots if they really care about that."

Even though Chan doesn't say it directly, Felix knows what he means. And he's grateful for his reassurance, so he gives him a weak smile. 

"Thanks, Hyung", Felix says and turns around to change his clothes. 

He feels awkward now because he imagines that the other boys might feel uncomfortable with him in there, even if it's totally unreasonable. Felix still only looks at the grey concrete wall and practically tears his clothes off and puts his casual ones on in record time. 

"Is your mom picking you up again?", Jisung asks once they are outside. 

Felix nods and bids them goodbye before making his leave towards the parking lot. 

But when he rounds the corner of the gym building, someone grabs him by the collar and smacks him against the wall. 

Felix is hit with a sense of déjà vu as he struggles against the tight grip on his hoodie. Fear claws at his throat at what he expects to come, his heart beats fast and loud in his ears. 

"Look who we have here", Deokhwan spits out, while holding a bloodied tissue against his nose. 

Felix now sees that Kangdae, the lanky guy, is holding onto him while Changbin is lingering in the background. 

"It's the faggot that tried to make a fool out of me in there", the boy says through gritted teeth. 

"I- I didn't want-", Felix stumbles over his words, fright evident in them. 

"What? You didn't want to hit me in the face? You didn't want the girls to laugh at me and to make the boys point fingers?", he asks rhetorically. "I don't care about what you wanted, you'll pay for it either way."

The boy shouldn't look as intimidating with the tissue still pressed against his face, but he does. Felix's body trembles and there is nothing he can do against it. 

Never show that you're afraid. Isn't that what people advise in case a dog attacks you? And while Deokhwan isn't a dog, Felix sure has failed that advice tremendously. The fear is apparent in his high-pitched, stuttered words, his wide eyes and his ridiculously fast breathing. 

They are only three teenage boys but at this moment, as the leader approaches him, Felix is scared to death.

Then the boy spits in his face. Felix flinches. 

"Changbin, he's yours", Deokhwan says and steps aside.

Despite the saliva on his face and against his better judgement, Felix opens his eyes when he hears new footsteps. He desperately tries to free himself but to no avail. Kangdae's grip on him is too tight. So Felix does the only thing he has left. 

"Please", he whispers as he stares straight into Changbin's dark eyes. 

"Please don't", Felix hiccups and he's not even embarrassed about it at this moment. 

For a second, he thinks it's working. That maybe there is a glint of guilt in the older's eyes, a shimmer of sympathy. 

But then he feels a fist collide with his face and can only think about how damn wrong he was about that glint in Changbin's eyes. His ears ring and his body slacks down. Kangdae doesn't even budge to hold him up anymore. He just falls to the ground where the other's hand meets his face again. And again. 

It doesn't even hurt that much, the adrenaline pulsing through his veins probably covers up most of the pain. There are still tears forming in the boy's eyes though because as he is lying there, wincing at the impact of every punch, he wonders what he has done to deserve this. He wants to shout at the universe, to ask what its problem with him is. Is it really because he is gay? Is it because he has stolen half a chocolate bar from his friend Nora two years ago? Both seem to be equally stupid reasons for the universe to hate him in his opinion, but how could he know? Maybe he has done something horrible in his past life that he isn't even accountable for. 

As unpleasant as they may be, Felix is grateful for these thoughts at the moment. Because he's too distracted to count the hits, too distracted to hear the mischievous laughter, too distracted to listen to the disappearing footsteps, too distracted to register the silence around him. 

After a while, he comes back to his senses and when he is absolutely sure that they have left, Felix blinks his eyes open and is greeted with the sight of the dark, stony ground. He tries to sit upright but his head spins so goddamn much. It takes him four attempts to finally be able to sit against the wall behind him. His breaths are heavy as if he just ran a marathon and he lets his eyes shut close again. Everything seems to move even then and he can feel the bile rise in his throat. Only a second later, he's emptying his stomach on the ground next to him. He has never felt this miserable in his entire life. He just wants to cry, and so he does. 

Only when he hears steps does he stop and open his eyes again. To Felix's horror, Changbin is standing in front of him and crouches down. 

Felix instinctively flinches away when the older reaches his hand out to touch his face. Felix thinks he can see guilt in his eyes again but he has been wrong before. 

"I'm sorry", the boy mumbles.

Then he takes out a tissue and wipes it along his chin and mouth before dabbing it against Felix's nose. 

"I tried to go easy on you. I'm sorry."

Felix just looks confused when Changbin pulls the cloth smeared with blood, spit and vomit from his face. 

"What are you doing?", Felix breathes out. 

"I'm trying to help you", the older replies sincerely but Felix only laughs in his face. 

"Oh, thank you  _ so much  _ for helping me after being the one to put me in this situation in the first place", he snaps. 

He thinks he has never said such a complicated Korean sentence this fast, but it's not the right time to be proud of his accomplishment. 

Felix gets up on wobbly legs. His head is still spinning and he has to use the wall to steady himself. Changbin reaches out to hold him upright, however, Felix all but hisses at him. 

"Don't touch me! You have done enough!", he yells. 

Then he finds Changbin's eyes again that look all too hurt. He's a good actor, you've got to hand it to him. 

"Felix-"

"Stop!", Felix cuts him off. "I don't get what you want from me or what I've done wrong, but you and your friends disgust me. And I hate you with all my heart. So don't you dare ever touch me again!"

Then he walks away. How he manages to do it is beyond himself. He only hurries to his mother's car waiting in the parking lot and slams the door shut behind him. Then he dissolves into heart-wrenching cries and ugly sobs. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ummm... sorry? I know I told you they would interact in this chapter and they _did_ , but I guess this wasn't what you expected ^^'
> 
> Anyway, let me know what you think in the comments. It motivates me a lot to write this <3


	4. Chapter 4

"This new schedule fucking sucks. Do they want to kill us in our last year?" 

Changbin sighs as he trails behind his best friend, having Kangdae in tow. It's too early in the morning to hear Deokhwan complain. Again. Like he always does. 

"It's the first day and we didn't have a single lesson yet. Why don't you just wait and see if it's really that bad?", Changbin proposes, fully knowing he could be talking to a brick wall just as well. 

"Nice try but no, I already know it's going to be a shit year."

At that moment, Deokhwan runs someone over and of course, he snaps at that. 

"What the hell?", he yells, making Changbin cringe behind him. 

Before Changbin can even look at Deokhwan's unfortunate victim, he already presses the poor boy against the wall underneath the staircase. At least they won't be seen as easily here. 

"I'm sorry, c-can I help you?", the boy stutters and there's an unknown accent lacing his words. 

That's what makes Changbin actually look at him.

 _How can a person look this beautiful?_ , is his first thought. Even before _He must be new_ and _He isn't wearing a uniform._

But how could Changbin not think that when the boy's light pink hair frames his pretty face so perfectly and when he looks so soft in that hoodie of the same color? 

Changbin is totally out of it and barely registers what is being said. He's just impressed at how the boy keeps his head up and talks back to Deokhwan. He really must be new or else he wouldn't have the guts to do that, not with the reputation their trio has. 

"Is he a fag or what?", Kangdae asks and this is what pulls Changbin out of his thoughts. 

"Yuck!", Deokhwan exclaims and it feels like a dagger, aimed right at Changbin's heart. 

"Come on, we're gonna be late for class", he hears himself saying. 

The boy looks up at him and inspects him sceptically. Changbin feels like being stripped naked and has to concentrate on not letting his emotions show on his face. 

"Fine", Deokhwan says and Changbin wants to sigh in relief.

He has not expected him to back down so easily and has already seen his own fist collide with the cute boy's face. What luck.

"I swear, if that fairy comes in our way again, I'll make sure he gets a good beating", Deokhwan says through gritted teeth as they walk to their first class. 

Changbin wishes he will never see the boy again, for the other's own good. 

.

But he does see him again and that only a day later. Changbin is coming from his math class without his friends when he sees the boy standing in a hallway. He is wearing a uniform like everyone else today, but there's still something that makes him stand out. Maybe it's the pink hair or his high cheekbones. And wait, are those freckles? 

Someone bumps into him because he just stopped in the middle of the hallway. The young girl already opens her mouth to swear at him but when she recognizes who he is, she is quick to bow her head and skitter away. 

Changbin sighs. He hates his reputation but he's used to it by now. So used to it that he numbly accepts what Deokhwan does or what he makes Changbin do. He became so good at it that he almost doesn't feel anything when he hits those kids. If he did, he would be completely broken by now for sure. 

But this kid, the one with an elfin face that Changbin is still staring at like an idiot… Changbin feels for him. Feels bad for him. He knows that the boy is new at their school, probably even in their country judging from the slight accent. And he looked so small yesterday, almost drowning in his large hoodie. So maybe that's why he feels bad for him. He didn't deserve Deokhwan's treating. Nobody really did but only now Changbin finds himself approaching one of the victims. 

"Hey", he starts. He hasn't fully thought about what he's going to say next but he wants to apologize. Maybe it will make the boy feel a little better, a little more welcome. 

When the boy meets his eyes, there's a hint of recognition that is quickly replaced by pure fear. It takes Changbin's breath away for a moment. He is close enough to see that the boy indeed has freckles but he's more focused on those wide eyes now. The sheer fright in them makes him feel even more. People look at him like this all the time. When he pushes them against walls, when he punches their faces, when he's only standing in the background, looking intimidating. He doesn't understand why he is so affected now when he can usually switch his emotions off so easily. 

Just when Changbin opens his mouth again to apologize, he hears Deokhwan's voice coming from the other side of the hallway. 

Changbin immediately takes a step back and cringes at how the pink-haired boy makes himself even smaller. Thankfully, a teacher appears before the situation can escalate. 

He glances back at the boy one last time and tries to convey that he's sorry through his eyes. But the boy stares back with confusion and the same fear. He will never see him as anything but a monster, Changbin realizes at that moment. That's what everyone thinks of him anyway so why is he suddenly so bothered by it?

He curls his hands into fists and turns his head away. He doesn't need this boy to like him. He doesn't need anyone to like him. He has his friends and that's enough. 

.

Changbin is dreading PE class the whole week. Not because he hates it. No, he likes sports and tries to stay in shape. But they are paired with the second-year students this year and if anything is a bad idea, it is putting Deokhwan so close together with people he thinks less of. And younger students fall into that category. 

When he notices the boy they cornered on Monday among them, things get even worse. The week was quite uneventful because the boy has made friends and not even Deokhwan is audacious enough to approach a whole group. And he has found another girl to bully so he has been a little distracted. 

Talking about distracted, Changbin is totally not staring at the pink-haired boy the entire lesson and envying that other guy, Chan he thinks his name is, for being able to converse with him. He totally does not notice the nice shape of his legs, not the way his hair bounces at every set and not how his stupidly pretty face looks even more beautiful when he smiles. 

Only when the coach asks if anyone wants to play with Chan and Felix, Changbin focuses again.

 _Felix._ Finally, he has a name to the face. Not that it is important or anything. 

When his best friends volunteer to play the match, Changbin just keeps staring although his guts are telling him that he should protest. But when did arguing with his friends ever help? 

So instead, he is condemned to watch them trying to destroy the other team. Only that in the end, Felix destroys Deokhwan. Or rather his nose. 

"Come on, let's get you out of here", Changbin comes to Deokhwan's side after Felix tried to help him and rushed away at being insulted.

Deokhwan swats Changbin's helping hands away and hurries into one of the changing rooms.

"I'm gonna kill him", Deokhwan mutters as he tries to change into his school uniform while holding onto his nose with a tissue. 

"No, you're not", Changbin sighs. 

"Fine, _you_ are going to kill him. But I need revenge", his best friend says, making Changbin cringe. 

"Hwan, it was an accident", he tries to calm the bulky boy down. 

"Accident my ass. He's a little devil who needs to be put in his place!"

In the corner of the room, Kangdae nods agreeing. Changbin feels the strong need to tear his own hair. 

"But-"

"Shut the fuck up, Bin! He ruined my face, he made me look like a pushover in front of the girls and made all the students laugh at me!"

"I know, Hwan. But you were the one who wanted to hurt him, right? So-"

Before Changbin can continue his reasoning, Deokhwan claws at his shirt and holds him threateningly close. He is taller than him and broader but Changbin could easily twist himself out of his grip. He doesn't though, not wanting to hurt his friend. And maybe he's a little scared too. 

"Which side are you even on? Shouldn't you support your best friend? You can't actually feel sorry for a loser like him, what happened to you?"

 _I grew up_ , Changbin thinks but he doesn't say anything, just lets his head hang low. 

"You are still my best friend, Bin, right?"

There is a hint of pain in his voice and the spark of his eyes and Changbin feels reminded of the younger version of the boy. Who was scrawny and always crying. Just like back then it fuels his protective instinct. 

"Of course", he sighs.

"Then prove it", Deokhwan says and removes his hands from Changbin's chest. "We'll meet the kid outside and give him a nice surprise."

Changbin swallows harshly. He knows exactly what that means. But even if he hated the idea of _surprising_ Felix, there's nothing he can do now. He won't lose his best friend over something like this. 

He hates it. How they wait behind the gym. How he stiffens when he hears footsteps. The started yelp when Kangdae grabs Felix and holds him close so that Deokhwan can let all his frustration out on the boy. 

Changbin tunes out like he always does in those situations. He gets in character. Stay calm, don't let your emotions show, don't show mercy on your enemy. 

"Changbin, he's yours."

But Felix isn't his enemy. Their eyes meet. They are full of fear and a last bit of hope. 

"Please", Felix whispers. It's the first time he addresses Changbin directly. "Please don't."

Something in Changbin breaks but he gets a hold of himself. His friendship is more important than one more hurt boy. He knows that it's wrong. God, of course he knows. He can feel it in his tight chest, in his tingling hand waiting to meet the boy's face, in the sickness in his stomach. But he can't lose Deokhwan. So he does the only thing that will make him stay with him. 

Felix almost immediately falls to the ground. Changbin tries his hardest to not hurt the boy too much without his friends noticing. That's why he goes for the nose. A little pressure is enough and blood always makes things look a lot worse. Still, he can't only go for the nose or he will break it. 

The boy's eyes are closed and he winces at every impact. Changbin wants to stop so badly but he can't. Deokhwan hasn't told him to stop yet.

 _Why?_ That's the only word lingering in his head. He shouldn't have to do this for his friends. But yet here he is. Because he is too weak. Because he is a coward. 

He wants to caress that smooth skin, count those mesmerizing freckles and those lips, maybe he could-

But no, he is hitting his forehead repeatedly, arguing with himself that there is a strong bone so the damage is low. He really hopes the younger boy won't have a concussion. 

"That's enough, he's completely knocked out", Changbin hears himself say when he can't take it anymore. 

"But it's so satisfying", Deokhwan argues, making Changbin stand up angrily. 

"He can't even feel it anymore, so why continue? What kind of masochist are you?!"

"What did you just call me?", his friend asks. 

Changbin lets out a long breath to calm himself down. He has not beaten the boy up just to ruin his friendship nonetheless right after. 

"Let's just go", Changbin says.

He waves his friends goodbye and walks in the other direction, towards his bus stop. When he can hear the engines of the boys' motorbikes go on in the distance, Changbin slows his steps and turns around when they drive off. He sprints back to the boy who gladly is conscious but he's crying. Changbin gets a handkerchief out of his backpack and slowly approaches the boy. 

When he crouches down and reaches his hand out, the fragile-looking boy flinches away. 

"I'm sorry", Changbin mumbles. 

It almost physically hurts to see the younger like this and to know that he's responsible for it. 

"I tried to go easy on you. I'm sorry", Changbin says as he wipes the younger's face clean. 

"What are you doing?", Felix breathes out. 

"I'm trying to help you", the older replies sincerely but Felix only laughs in his face. 

"Oh, thank you _so much_ for helping me after being the one to put me in this situation in the first place", he snaps. 

Felix gets up on wobbly legs. Changbin tries to help him but is shouted at. 

"Don't touch me! You have done enough!"

Changbin knows that. He knows that all too well. But that's exactly what he's trying to fix now. 

"Felix-"

"Stop!", Felix cuts him off. "I don't get what you want from me or what I've done wrong, but you and your friends disgust me. And I hate you with all my heart. So don't you dare ever touch me again!"

Then the boy stumbles away, leaving Changbin behind with an aching heart. 

_You have done enough._

He deserves to hear that.

 _You disgust me_.

He disgusts himself.

_Don't you dare ever touch me again._

He should have never touched him in the first place. 

_I hate you with all my heart._

That hurt more than he would like to admit. He deserves all of those words but every single one has drilled itself into his chest like a bullet. A few more to the collection he has locked away deep inside his heart. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter didn't help the story progress but I think it fits well here. And there will be more Changbin chapters so don't worry if you don't fully understand his motives yet. I guess you get the idea though :')
> 
> Thanks for all your support on the previous chapters, it means a lot ❤


	5. Chapter 5

After the beating behind the gym on Friday afternoon, Felix's weekend can only go so well. 

Once he calms down enough in his mother's car, Felix tries to reassure her that he only got hit by a ball during the lesson because he doesn't want to worry her. Needless to say that it does nothing to wipe the concern from his mom's face as she doesn't believe him one bit. He hasn't seen the damage yet but a single ball is probably not able to cause it. And besides, his mother knows exactly that he wouldn't be crying over a ball like that. He has gotten hit by one many times when he still played beach volleyball.

That's how Felix finds himself telling her about everything that happened since his first school day on Monday while his mother drives him to the doctor. His mother is shocked, to say the least, and takes his hand in hers to comfort him while steering with the other one. 

"Sweetie, we have to talk to the principal about this. She can inform the teachers and the parents of those boys and then we can make this stop, okay?"

Felix violently shakes his head at this, realizing too late that he would send himself into another whiplash. He groans and holds his head with his free hand. If he's not careful, he'll surely throw up again. 

"The principal wouldn't even believe us. They are on the teacher's good side, only the students know how they really are", Felix replies. 

"Then other students have to speak up against them too", his mother concludes.

Felix wants to shake his head again but he stops himself in time. 

"Don't you think they would have done that if it was so easy? They are probably all scared of them and I am too. I don't want to know what they'd do to me if they found out I snitched on them."

Felix shivers only at the thought. 

"But Felix, you can't just hide in fear and put up with how they treat you!"

Felix flinches because that's exactly what he's planning to do. Better than getting beaten like that again. 

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to raise my voice", his mother apologizes. "I just don't want you to have to suffer."

In the end, they make a deal to wait and see if they will leave him alone now or not. Felix promises to tell his mother if anything happens immediately and that they will look for help then. Felix only wishes it doesn't come to that. But if he doesn't get in their way, he should be fine. Right?

The doctor sends him away with the strict order to rest over the weekend to cure the mild concussion he has. Felix accepts that easily as he has not planned anything exciting for the weekend anyway. He spends it lying in bed (an actual bed this time as the frame arrived), studying with his flashcard app to learn the Korean words he has picked up over the last days and avoiding mirrors at all cost. 

That is until Monday arrives and Felix finds himself standing in front of his bathroom mirror after taking a shower. He gapes at the foreign look on his face. There are no cuts, the blood was a result of his bleeding nose that thankfully wasn't broken. Maybe Changbin was right and he went light on him. Felix shakes that thought out of his head. Because even if there are no cuts, there are still bruises of sickly blue and green color covering the left side of his face and his forehead. It hurts when he puts some of his concealer on the spots but he ignores it and ends up covering his whole face when it looks too blotchy. Once he's done, he sighs because you can still see the marks through if you look really closely. Felix prays that nobody will notice and slips out of the house and towards the bus station that's only a few meters away from his house. 

Felix's mother has started working this morning, so she is no longer able to drive him to school. But Felix is okay with that. Sure, buses are often stuffy and crammed but he always sees them as an opportunity to relax and listen to music, to just ignore the world around you. 

And that's exactly what he does after hopping on and onto an empty double seat in the middle of the bus. But just when he's about to skip to the next song, there's a tap on Felix's shoulder and he flinches embarrassingly. 

When he turns and sees who has taken the seat next to him, Felix isn't embarrassed though. He just feels fear. And anger. 

"What do you want?", the pink-haired boy spits out as he pulls at his headset that falls out of his ears. 

Changbin just watches him for a moment. Then, instead of answering, he lifts his hand to Felix's face and lets his fingers ghost over the bruised skin. It doesn't hurt, Changbin barely even touches him, but Felix recoils anyway. 

"What did I say about never touching me again?", Felix hisses through gritted teeth.

The older puts his hand down but ignores him otherwise. 

"You covered them up", Changbin states. "Your freckles too", he adds and almost sounds sad. Felix only openly stares at him. 

He doesn't understand what the boy wants. He is one of his bullies at school, the only one who actually laid a hand on him. Then he goes back to apologize? And he comes up to him on the bus to do what? Look at his face in an almost affectionate way as if he wasn't the one to put the marks there? Felix doesn't understand and that's exactly what he tells the older. 

"I don't get you", Felix breathes out. 

A pained expression darts over Changbin's face but maybe he's only imagining it. 

"I'd be surprised if you did", the black-haired boy answered. 

_ What do you mean,  _ Felix wants to ask but he doesn't. Instead, he loses himself in exploring the other's face. His eyes are of a dark brown and almost appear black in the artificial light of the bus. His jaw is defined and his chin pointy but his curved lips and soft cheeks contrast the sharp look. He also looks beautiful from up close, Felix decides and finds it unfair. He should be afraid or angry and not admire the enemy's face. He curses his brain for betraying him. The last time they were this close, Felix had Changbin's fist in his face. Shouldn't his mind remember how dangerous and evil this guy is? But he weirdly doesn't feel scared at that moment. Maybe it's because Changbin surely won't attack him so openly in public. Maybe his brain is still confused as an aftereffect of the concussion. Maybe it's a sudden rush of confidence, but wouldn't he feel the anger he still had a minute ago then? When has it been washed away? But maybe it's also just the hurt that seems to be rooted so deeply in Changbin's eyes or the way the older radiates something calm and warm.

Felix shakes his head. What weird thoughts to have about a violent, heartless boy like Changbin, even after having a concussion. Maybe there's something severely wrong with Felix. Maybe he's developing some kind of Stockholm syndrome, only that he isn't kept hostage but being bullied. Felix hopes that this is not actually a thing. 

"What do you want?", Felix asks again, this time with no bite behind it, although he tries to hold onto his anger- damn, even his fear if that's what it takes. But if anything, he sounds curious. 

Changbin blinks a few times, seemingly having been in his own world while staring at Felix.

"I wanted to apologize, again. And to make sure you're okay."

Felix gulps. He sounds so sincere but how can it be after what he has done? 

"Do you often hit people who haven't done anything wrong?", the freckled boy asks and immediately regrets it. That sounded way too bitter. 

But Changbin doesn't seem offended. He just nods and bites on his lip.

"Deokhwan looks buff, has a big mouth and all, but I'm usually doing the dirty work."

"Why?", Felix demands.

"You wouldn't understand", Changbin dismisses him vaguely and looks away. 

"You haven't even tried to explain anything!", Felix complains and folds his arms in front of his chest. 

"Maybe someday I will", Changbin mumbles quietly and gets up from the seat. 

The bus comes to a halt at the stop near their school and the older steps out, followed by Felix. He doesn't wait for the younger though and walks straight towards the school without so much as looking at him again. 

Felix huffs. Did he really just think the boy could be different from how he appears? But no. He beats up innocent people on a regular basis and leaves Felix flat when they just started talking. 

But it doesn't bother Felix, of course. Why would it? There's nothing he wants from Changbin other than to leave him alone, after all. And so he puts on a smile and walks into the school building, ready to make everyone believe he is doing okay and has not suffered from a concussion over the weekend.   
  



	6. Chapter 6

Despite the bus incident this morning, Felix day goes pretty well. 

His friends don't notice his covered bruises which has Felix feeling more than relieved. He trusts them but he doesn't want to worry them. Or worse, have them try to do something against it, like his mother. 

Felix has always wondered how bullying can work when watching those teen series. He always thought if only the victim spoke up, there would be no bullying at all. But now that he actually is in the situation, he understands it all too well and doesn't want anyone to get involved. He just wants to dissolve into some invisible form and continue his life without ever being noticed by them again. He even thought about dying his hair back to black because they have picked on the pink color before. The logical part of him knows that he sounds like an absolute fool and that he should not let himself be pushed around like that. But he can't help it. Not to be an oversensitive wuss, but their words have taken a toll on him and after it became physical… he would rather not experience that again, thank you very much. 

Luckily, Felix doesn't even have to find a way to become invisible today as he does not see the group the whole day.

When his friends bid him goodbye at the school gates, Felix walks to his bus stop and waits with a lump in his throat. Would Changbin take the same bus home? Maybe he's still at school? And to Felix's luck, the boy does not suddenly appear and hop onto the bus. Felix sighs in relief and presses the play button on his phone to forget about his surroundings.

Sadly, after giving him a rest the day before, the universe isn't on his side the next morning.

He sees Changbin sitting in one of the last rows as soon as he enters the bus but he's quick to avert his eyes and take the first empty seat at the front. Felix prays the older hasn't seen him. When the bus takes off and he feels safe enough to pull out his headphones, someone shoves Felix's backpack that he has purposefully put on the seat next to him into his lap. 

Felix looks up in shock. And how surprising, Changbin sits next to him now. 

"Good morning", the boy's soft voice says and Felix can only swallow and return the greeting quietly.

"What do you want?", Felix asks then. This time not curious but slightly annoyed. He just can't make Changbin and his motives out and it bothers him. 

Changbin clicks his tongue. "This question again?"

But he doesn't give an answer. Instead, he takes one of Felix's earbuds in his hand.

"What are you doing?", Felix sputters and takes the bud away from him. He ignores how their fingers brush against each other. It's not the right time to pay attention to something like that. And certainly not the right person either. 

"What are you listening to?", Changbin counters his question with a question. 

"Nothing yet. A certain someone turned up before I could put anything on."

Changbin gives him a sheepish smile at that. "Sorry."

"It's okay", Felix mumbles and pushes the earbud back into Changbin's hand without daring to look at the older. 

He focuses on his smartphone instead, opens Spotify and puts on his recommended Daily Mix as he's too nervous to pick a good song or playlist by himself right now. 

But why is he nervous? Right, as far as Felix knows, the guy could suddenly make a 180-degree change again and punch him square in the face. Felix gulps. 

However, after the fifteen-minute ride, Felix is still very much alive and has not gained a single more bruise. They have spent the time in the comfort of Felix music playing and for a moment, the pink-haired boy could even forget how awkward the situation actually was and the tension in his body slowly faded. 

He only snaps out of it when Changbin hands him the earphones back and gives him a tentative smile. 

"I like your taste", the boy says. "Thanks for sharing it with me."

And with that, he walks to the doors and steps out when they open. Just as last time, he doesn't wait for Felix. But it's okay. Felix is confused and has definitely not forgiven the boy who is probably only playing with him to humiliate him again in the end. But even though he's aware of that possibility, Felix can't help the smile growing on his face as he watches the retreating figure in the distance. And this time, it is not forced at all. 

.

Changbin takes the bus on the way home at the same time as Felix and sits down next to the younger. This time, he takes out his own music and shares his earphones with Felix. And after that, it becomes a thing.

Every morning or whenever their classes end at the same time, Changbin would sit next to Felix and they would listen to music together without talking. It is definitely weird and Felix is still very much confused, but he learns that he doesn't mind the presence of the older as much as he thought. In fact, he feels quite comfortable around him. He isn't afraid to enter the bus anymore and feel the guy approach him right after. Maybe he's even thinking about it when he applies makeup in the morning to cover his fading bruises. Or in his English class. Or when he brushes his teeth at night. And maybe he's looking forward to it a teeny tiny bit. But he certainly wouldn't admit that out loud. 

"Do you like this song?", Changbin asks him one time they drive to school together. 

Felix snaps out of his trance and fixes the boy's eyes. He looks kind of nervous, not like his usual calm and composed self. And normally he also doesn't speak to Felix, safe for a  _ hi _ or a  _ see you _ before walking to school without him. 

"This one?", Felix dumbly asks as he contemplates. He has never heard the song before but the beat is nice, making him want to bop his head, and the rapper has some serious skills too. There are also some vocal parts where the raspy voice turns soft and Felix really likes the diversity the song has. 

When he tells Changbin exactly that, he can see his eyes light up. 

"Who's the artist?", Felix asks. "His voice sounds kind of familiar but I'm not sure if I listened to this song before."

Changbin chuckles at him. "I just finished the song yesterday. There's no way you could have listened to it."

That makes Felix gape at him. "You made this song?!"

Changbin nods, looking bashful and proud at the same time. 

"Wow, Hyung! That's amazing, you are so talented!", Felix exclaims. 

And wow, did he really just do that? Yes, they kind of established something between them. A kind of deal saying  _ I tolerate you as long as you tolerate me and hey, let's listen to music together when we're already taking the same bus _ . But there's nothing more than that. What Felix just said, however, sounded almost… friendly. 

Changbin doesn't seem to mind though. He just smiles at him and it takes Felix's breath away for a second. He doesn't think he has ever seen the older smile so genuinely before and it's absolutely beautiful. 

Woah, slow down there. He still doesn't like Changbin because of what he has done to him, although the boy has apologized, is acting rather nicely and Felix has not been bullied again since the last PE lesson. But Felix still hasn't forgiven him. 

"Why are you doing this?", Felix suddenly asks with a sigh, feeling a little sullen. 

The smile is wiped from Changbin's face as soon as he notices the shift in mood. 

"What do you mean?"

"Why are we taking the bus together and listen to music? Is there some ulterior motive?", Felix asks. 

He chews on his lip nervously. It's a stupid question, he knows it. If there is a shady reason for Changbin to do this, then he obviously won't admit to it. And if there isn't… 

"No, I- what are you trying to say? Isn't this how you make friends?"

That shuts Felix up for a good few seconds. Friends? He wants to be friends? After all he has made Felix go through?

"Why did you hit me if you want to be friends?"

"I'm trying to make up for that. I really want to be your friend", Changbin answers. 

Felix scoffs at him. "Why won't you walk me to school then?"

"Why do you never take the seat next to me?", Changbin retorts. 

"I'm not the one who wants to become friends!", Felix hits back without thinking. He regrets it when he sees Changbin's features set into a cold expression. 

"I see", he says. "Maybe that's why I don't walk you to school. It wouldn't be worth it"

With that, Changbin gets up and walks towards the end of the bus, taking another seat. Felix is left with a weird feeling in his chest for the rest of the ride. And it doesn't disappear until he finally falls into his bed and asleep. 

  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahh just when they made so much progress, Felix had to say something like this :')


	7. Chapter 7

_ "Hey, is everything okay?" _

Changbin has not joined him on the bus on the way back home after their argument that morning.

Was it even an argument? 

It doesn't really matter. Because he hasn't sat down next to Felix on Monday either. And it was the same this morning. 

_ "Earth to Lix?" _

The senior year student always sits in the back of the bus now, leather jacket over his school uniform, headphones on, eyes cast through the foggy window. Not noticing anything around him. Not noticing Felix. 

_ "Okay, talking to him is useless." _

_ "Jisung, I know that smirk. Don't you dare do anything stupid!" _

It's what he has wished for since he started taking the bus. Heck, he has been afraid and shivering like a leaf the first times, scared the older would notice him. Scared that he would approach him. And now he can't help but pout every time Changbin doesn't walk towards the front to take the seat next to him and show him a new song he discovered. He has suspected it before but now he is pretty certain about it: There's something severely wrong with him. He just hasn't figured out what-

"Ouch! What the hell?!", Felix yelps when something solid hits his shoulder. 

He looks up from the still full plate that he has stared at and not touched for a good ten minutes. His eyes find the perpetrator immediately. The bright smile and the finger pointing at him should be enough evidence. 

"Why did you throw an apple at me, Jisung?", Felix huffs accusingly while rubbing his hurting arm. 

"Yeah, Jisung. You shouldn't play with food", Chan scolds and shakes his head. 

"But you weren't listening! How should I have gotten your attention instead?", Jisung defends himself.

There's a collective sigh going around the table. Excluding Minho, of course, because that guy is whipped for the squirrel boy but no one has called him out on it yet.

Felix, however, joins in. He's too tired to argue that there would have been much more peaceful ways to get his attention.

"What is it that you wanted then, Jisungie?"

The grin on Jisung's face fades.

"You looked down and I wanted to ask what's wrong. You know, I wanted to ask since you came to school with those bruises on your face but the others were against it and wanted to act like we didn't notice to give you privacy. I mean you covered them up after all and didn't tell us so I guess you didn't want us to know and- oh shit, I totally just screwed up our plan", Jisung stops his rant with a sheepish smile. 

The collective sigh is accompanied by some facepalming this time. 

Felix gulps. "You knew about the bruises?", he asks with a small voice. 

Jisung gives him a small nod and looks a little regretful. 

"Look, I don't want to press you or anything but we are your friends. We are here for you. And if your parents were doing that to you-"

"No!", Felix exclaims quickly, feeling protective of his kind parents that always supported him no matter what. 

"It's not them. It's just some stupid guys", Felix explains vaguely, earning himself some unconvinced looks. 

He sighs again. "Okay. It was Deokhwan and his clique but they stopped now. So don't worry about me."

That actually catches the boys at the table off-guard. 

"They really beat you up like that?!", Hyunjin asks in disbelief, mouth agape. 

Felix nods. 

"I should have known", Chan groans, looking furious and guilty at the same time. "It was after our first volleyball match, right? That's why you played so poorly last Friday."

Felix cringes at that but nods again.

"I didn't want to give them a reason to repeat it and so far I've been successful", the freckled boy says and gives them a weak smile. 

It's true, they haven't talked to him again since then. He barely even sees them in school anymore and Felix has an inkling that a certain boy with dark eyes and hair, a leather jacket and a passion for music is the reason behind that. He can't be sure of course, maybe they just grew tired of harassing him. But is it really only a coincidence that they stopped right when Changbin tried to befriend him? 

"I'll punch them in their ugly faces when I see them next", Jisung mutters under his breath and Felix is a little taken aback by the sudden anger. 

"To break your beautiful fingers? I think not", Minho who's sitting next to the angry boy says and takes Jisung's hand in his to examine those  _ beautiful fingers  _ he was talking about. 

The furry on Jisung's face is quickly replaced by a deep blush and Felix has a hard time suppressing his smile, just like the rest of his friends. Very smooth, Lee Minho, that's for sure. 

"I agree with Minho, we shouldn't stoop to their level and fight them like that. But I'll give them a piece of my mind in the next class I share with them", Chan announces, just as angrily as Jisung. 

Felix looks at them with pleading eyes. "Please don't confront them. I really think it's better to just stay out of their way…"

"Felix", Chan stresses. "They can't get away with that and I don't want you to get hurt again!"

"Please, Hyung", Felix says, giving the older his best puppy eyes. Chan wears a conflicted look on his face but he nods his head in defeat nonetheless. 

"Lix, have you talked to a teacher yet?", Seungmin asks. 

Felix shakes his head. "But I will if they try something again", he promises, just like he told his mom. 

"That's good. And you can always talk to us, alright?", Chan assures him.

Felix gives them all a grateful smile but doesn't know if he should tell them why he is feeling down right now. If he should tell them about Changbin. Because honestly, what is there to tell? Felix is being ridiculous really. He doesn't even know the guy and he's still holding a grudge against him. Or is he? It's been a little over a week since the older has punched him and since then he has apologized multiple times and has shown him a completely different side of himself. Felix sighs. No, he isn't holding a grudge anymore. Against the other two boys, yes. But not against Changbin. He hates to admit it, but he has forgiven the older probably already a few days after the incident. 

With another sigh, Felix decides it's probably for the better to talk to his friends about it and get it off his chest. So he recounts the last days, how friendly Changbin has been and how he feels like they have gotten closer. Until Felix ruined it right when Changbin told him he wanted to be friends. 

"You know, I believe that Changbin was acting nicely towards you. But how can you be sure he's not playing with you?", Minho inquires. 

Felix cringes. It's not like he didn't have that thought before but Changbin actually seemed genuine. 

"Minho-hyung is right. Everything we know about him is that he's a cocky asshole who beats up innocent students. So what if that's just a trick?", Hyunjin thinks out loud. 

"I'm aware but it felt real", Felix mumbles. 

He feels how someone takes his hand that has been lying on the table. He looks up to see Chan giving him a sad smile. 

"Maybe you can talk to him again and find out what's the truth? You know we don't want to tell you what to do or feel, we are just worried."

Felix nods gratefully. His friends' words weren't all that encouraging but he understands where they are coming from. And he still feels a little better than he has before confiding in them. 

However, he can't help but keep thinking about Changbin throughout lunch break. Throughout the following classes. Even when he parts ways with Hyunjin who he has shared his last lesson with. 

But it's really not his fault, Felix thinks when he walks towards the stairs. It's his brain again. And the fact that he will probably see Changbin on the way home.

But he sees him sooner than expected. Right under the staircase he needs to climb in order to get out of school, the boy is standing together with his two friends and a cornered boy who looks absolutely terrified. 

Felix halts in his tracks. He feels reminded of his first day when he has been cornered under a different staircase but has felt just as terrified. And he is reminded of the time Changbin hit him behind the gym because right now, Kangdae is holding the poor boy while Changbin stands in front of him, seemingly waiting for Deokhwan to give the order to punch. 

Without thinking, Felix slips past Deokhwan and Changbin to shield the boy who must be younger than him. 

Felix watches how Changbin's face changes from stony to surprised to hurt at the same time as he lets his raised fist fall to the side. 

Felix hears a chuckle from behind Changbin. It's familiar by now but still as atrocious as ever. 

"Look who finally grew a pair", Deokhwan laughs. "Because I'm feeling nice today you can just fuck off now and mind your own business. Or you can share the little devil's fate", he says and nods towards the boy hidden behind Felix. 

_ Leave,  _ Changbin mouths at him. Felix shakes his head. He won't leave that poor first-year student alone with them.

So he only raises his chin and gives the guy a challenging look. 

"Fine, your choice", Deokhwan scoffs. "Changbin, he's yours.  _ Again. _ "

Changbin looks even more troubled now when Felix focuses back on him. The fist is hovering in the air again and Felix readies himself for the impact. He has endured this once, so he can do it again. For a moment, he curses his teacher for ending the lesson early because otherwise there would surely be at least one witness. But of course, Felix isn't lucky like that. He's not surprised anymore. 

Changbin still only stares at him. Felix stares back.

"Come on, Changbin! We don't have all day!"

Changbin raises his hand. Felix closes his eyes and feels out behind him to take the boy's hand. When he finds it, the younger gives it a comforting squeeze and Felix immediately feels better despite the situation they are in. 

Instead of a hand against his cheek, Felix feels the body in front of him retreat. Confused, he blinks his eyes open. 

"I won't", Changbin sighs lowly. 

"What did you just say?", Deokhwan asks through gritted teeth, disbelieving. 

"You heard me", Changbin says and takes another step back. 

Felix doesn't wait for a better chance and pulls at the hand of the boy to drag him away from there. Thankfully, Kangdae is too focused on the developing argument between his friends to hold them back. Felix still strides on with long steps in order to get away as far as, as fast as possible. 

Only when he reaches his bus stop does he slow down. Some other people are already waiting for the next bus here so he feels safe enough to stop and turn to the boy he has quite forcefully pulled with him. Felix cringes when he sees how dazed he looks.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have dragged you here like that. I didn't really think, I just wanted to get away... "

The brown-haired boy shakes his head. 

"It's fine, don't worry", he says before looking up at him. "Thank you", he breathes out. 

"Oh, of course. I couldn't just ignore that", Felix says with reddening ears and while waving his hands in front of his body. 

"No really, not everyone would have done that. Thank you so much for stepping in... um…"

"Felix", he supplies when he realizes that his name is what the boy is looking for. 

"...Felix-hyung", the boy completes his sentence with a big, toothy smile that shows his braces off while his eyes form two crescents. 

If this isn't the cutest being in existence, Felix doesn't know what is. 

"I'm Jeongin!", he exclaims and reaches his hand out to shake Felix's. 

The pink-haired boy takes it with a laugh.

"Nice to meet you, Jeongin. Do you want to tell me how you ended up in that situation?"

And that's how they talk about their experiences with the group until Felix's bus arrives.

"Will you be fine on your own now?", Felix asks Jeongin as other passengers already get into the bus. 

"I texted my dad to pick me up here, so I'll be fine", he said with his signature smile. 

He doesn't look like the frightened boy from before anymore at all. Felix is more than glad. 

"See you tomorrow, Hyung!", Jeongin yells and waves after him as the pink-haired boy walks towards the bus.

Felix waves back and smiles from ear to ear. The way they met wasn't the best but he's pretty sure he just made another friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yayy meet Innie with braces because I loved them hehe  
> Our 8 boys are finally _all in_ the story now! Get it? Okay sorry, I'll go now 😅💗


	8. Chapter 8

"Good morning."

Changbin flinches and pulls his earphones out to look at the person interrupting his peace at this early hour. 

The way his eyes widen tells that he hasn't expected to see Felix sitting next to him in the rumbling bus. 

He opens his mouth as if to say something but then he closes it again and only stares. It makes him look like a fish and Felix can't help but chuckle at how cute he looks like that. 

"What do you want?", he finally croaks out. 

Felix giggles again. "We really switched roles, didn't we?"

Then it catches up to him what he is here for and he clears his throat to address the more serious topic. 

"I want to thank you for protecting us yesterday", Felix tells him earnestly.

Changbin looks surprised for a moment but is quick to hide it again. 

"It's nothing. I shouldn't have tried to hit that kid in the first place."

"Yeah, you shouldn't have. But I'm still glad you decided not to do it in the end."

Changbin gives him a court nod, acknowledging his words. They sit in silence for a minute until Changbin speaks up again. 

"Is there something else you wanted or what are you still doing here?"

Felix tries to swallow down his hurt at hearing those words. Because Changbin sounds a little hurt himself.

"Changbin, I-", Felix starts but he doesn't know how to continue. It doesn't help that the older is fixing him with those dark eyes of his. 

"I'm sorry for what I said last week. I was just confused because it's like you have two faces and I was afraid that you would suddenly change again."

Changbin's face softens at that. 

"Lix, I won't suddenly change. Not when we're alone like this", Changbin assures him and Felix's heart might have skipped a beat because of that nickname coming from the older.

"But how could I be sure about that? I don't even know you…"

"Weren't you the one telling me you didn't want to be friends?", Changbin asks with a scoff. 

Felix bites down on his bottom lip. Changbin's eyes follow the movement, making the freckled boy stop immediately. 

"I told you I'm sorry I said that. And I want to get to know you and become friends if you'd still like that too."

Changbin gives him a lopsided grin and nods his head. It plants a weird warm tingling in his stomach. Then the other hands him an earbud and plugs one in himself. 

Felix already wants to protest because that's not what he understands by getting to know each other. But it seems to be Changbin's attempt at reconciliation, so Felix takes it and enjoys listening to the soft beat of the song. They can talk later. They have time. 

.

The rest of the week is probably the best he has spent in Korea so far. He introduces Jeongin to his friends and the boy starts to spend all his breaks with them. He finds a place in their group even faster than Felix did and they are all happy about the new addition. 

"How did you find this cutie?", Chan asks with adoring eyes when they all meet up for lunch. 

"I'm not cute", Jeongin insists but is ignored by everyone. 

"I saved him from our favorite gang", Felix says and rolls his eyes.

"Yeah!", Jeongin exclaims. "He was so brave and stepped between me and that scary boy who was about to punch me. What was his name again?"

"Changbin?", Jisung asks. Apparently, his role in the group is no secret. 

"That's the one! And when Changbin saw Felix, he backed off and let us go. Isn't that so cool? Felix hyung is so cool", he said with a grin and nodded along to his own words. 

Jeongin makes it sound like a fun experience but Felix knows how scared the boy was at that moment. And Felix was scared too. Not only because he was about to get hit again but because there was another victim this time and Changbin surely could have taken on both of them easily. And maybe he was also scared as it would have meant that he couldn't become friends with Changbin. Because he has sworn himself not to give third chances and he probably wouldn't even have been able to forgive the older this time in the first place. But luckily, it didn't come to that. Luckily, Felix can still be Changbin's friend. 

In all honesty, Felix doesn't even know why this friendship is so important to him. He has friends back in Sydney that he contacts every other day. Their relationship isn't as good now as it has been before but Felix finds how he slowly accepts that they are growing apart. Making new friends in Korea definitely helped with that and Felix is so grateful not to be alone at school. But that's exactly the thing, he  _ has  _ friends. Six at that. So does he really need another one that is so difficult to be with? 

Those thoughts are mean and Felix shakes his head to get rid of them. Over the last couple of days, Felix learned how witty and nice to be around Changbin is despite the first impression he left on him and all the other students. And every time he sees the older, a strange prickling sensation comes up in his stomach and it gets a little more noticeable by the day. It's probably his guts telling him that Changbin is a good person, so yes, Felix wants him as a friend. 

"Wow, Changbin really stopped? He must actually like you, Lixie", Hyunjin remarks and pats Felix's back. 

"I told you he was being nice. And I think this proves that he really isn't a bad person", Felix mumbles.

"Don't look so sad, Lix. We're happy if you're making a new friend. Just keep an eye on him. We'll do it too", Jisung says with a small smile. 

And Felix is grateful that they care so much about him. They really make his life at school so much better. 

On Friday, Felix even feels comfortable playing volleyball like he normally would again. It is only with Chan anyway and as long as he ignores the group of three at the other side of the hall, everything would be fine. 

"Okay boys, please switch partners now", the coach orders and Felix makes his way over to where Jisung and Minho are standing together to pair up with one of them.

On his way there, someone grabs him by his wrist, catching him by surprise. When Felix turns around, he is greeted by Changbin's signature smirk that looks half cocky, half nervous. It is a weird combination to be honest but it makes the older boy look endearing and Felix feels a tugging at his heartstrings. 

"Do you want to be my partner?", Changbin asks him with the same unsure smile. 

Felix's immediate reaction is to glance over at Deokhwan who is already glaring daggers at them. 

Felix gulps. "I don't think it would be a good idea."

"Don't worry about him. He will survive playing a match with Kangdae", Changbin assures him and leads the way to a free space on the long net. 

"I'm sure he will. But I don't know if I'll survive if he comes to beat me up after class again just because I partnered with you", Felix mumbles. 

Changbin still hears him and gives him a worried but determined look. "I will not let him hurt you again, I promise."

The older almost sounds protective of him and it churns that tingling sensation in Felix yet again. It sounds nice, reassuring. But Felix is still not convinced Deokhwan wouldn't hurt him again.

Despite his doubts, Felix gives Changbin a small smile and throws the ball into the air. Maybe he would be hurt again but maybe the risk is worth it to get to know Changbin better. It has been the first time he approached Felix outside of the bus but they have started to have easy conversations on the rides and Changbin now even waits for him when the doors open and they only part at the front gate. It is definitely progress and now he is even talking to Felix right in front of his friends. It makes Felix feel weird, the good and bad kind of weird at the same time.

But right now, Changbin is whining about missing the ball for the third time in a row and it is so adorable that Felix can't help but laugh at him. Changbin gives him a small smile back and Felix is so captivated by it, that it is him missing the ball now. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahh this was so short and nothing happened. But soon, I swear :'D


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They had their first date!! I don't care if Felix denies it, it was a date. Period.
> 
> I hope you liked it 💕

"So everything has been fine last week?", Felix's mother asks him on Saturday. 

They all sit together, enjoying their breakfast. This time having a proper table and a Korean breakfast. 

"Yes, they have not paid much attention to me. Well, except for Changbin but he's kind of becoming my friend", Felix mutters into his fried rice, cheeks blushing. 

His dad gives him a bewildered look over the newspapers. 

"You're befriending the enemy?", he asks and takes a judgemental sip of his coffee.

Felix rolls his eyes. "Stop being dramatic, dad. He's actually nice, you know. When he's not hitting me that is…"

"But he isn't anymore so it's all good", the boy quickly adds when his mom gives him a judging look too. 

"Honey, I just don't want you to get hurt again. So be careful around that boy, alright?"

Felix gives her a nod and they finish their breakfast in comfortable silence. He knows that she is right. That his friends who said the exact same thing as his mom are right. And maybe Felix is being too optimistic again, too naïve. But he thinks everyone deserves a second chance. Maybe not a third or a fourth because that's when it may begin to become toxic. But a second, that he can do. And so far, Changbin has not given him a reason to make him regret his choice. 

Felix is helping his dad to load the dishwasher when the doorbell goes off. His mom is quick to shout an  _ I'll get it  _ from the living room and Felix focuses back on the plates. Maybe the order with his new books arrived. That would be so nice since he has nothing planned for the weekend besides studying. Getting some good reading as a break would be just perfect. But maybe he could also text the boys and ask to hang out. 

Then, however, he hears a familiar voice and freezes. Because this definitely isn't the mailman. 

"Good morning, Mrs. Lee. Is Felix home?"

What is he doing here? What-

"Are you the boy who hit my son?", he can hear his mother's angry voice and flinches, almost letting the plate drop. 

"I- I'm sorry, I-", Changbin stutters out, probably being glared down by Felix's mother who can be very intimidating if she wants to be, despite her short height. Felix would know. 

Felix is quick to put the plate he's holding down and rushes to the door. 

"Mom, it's okay. Why don't you look after the dishes for me for a second?", Felix comes to Changbin's rescue and pushes his mom into the direction of the kitchen. 

She gives him a sour look. Then she throws another one at Changbin and makes the  _ I'm watching you  _ gesture with her hand and Felix has to try really hard to not physically cringe. 

"I'm really sorry about that", Felix says to the older, smiling sheepishly. 

It's only now that he gets a real look at Changbin and  _ wow _ does he look good. It's the first time Felix sees him wearing casual clothes. They aren't even special, only light blue jeans and a dark long tee but the older makes it look like a runway outfit. Or maybe Felix's stupid brain makes it look like one. 

"Oh, that's fine, I totally understand her reaction", Changbin says as he hides his hands in the pockets of his pants. "You look really cute by the way", he adds. 

It makes Felix look down at himself and in mere seconds, his face is as red as the stop sign across the street. He's still wearing his baby blue pyjamas with little ducks on them and he regrets this choice with every fiber of his body now. 

"I'm sorry for not announcing that I would visit", Changbin apologizes when he realizes how uncomfortable Felix suddenly is. "But I don't have your number, so... "

"How did you have my address?", Felix wants to know, slightly hiding behind the door now, although the older has already seen all of him. 

"Oh, I always see you walking here from the bus stop. So I thought I would just try my luck."

Felix nods. "I- I don't want to sound rude but why are you here anyway?", he then asks. 

If he didn't know better, he would think Changbin's cheeks were becoming a little rosier.

"Well, you see… I wanted to ask you out", he says. 

Both their eyes widen simultaneously. 

"I- I mean outside- Do you want to come outside with me? For a walk or maybe to grab something to drink? Just talk and hang out as friends." He sighs deeply. "I'm sorry, I am being confusing again", he adds with a chuckle. 

Felix can't deny how fast his heart is beating. Maybe he can't deny the small pang he felt when Changbin corrected himself to just wanting to hang as friends either. But it's totally unreasonable for Felix to feel like that, so he will at least try to deny it. 

"Sure", he says before the silence can get too unbearable. "I'll just change and then we can head out?"

"Sounds good", Changbin answers with a smile. 

Felix smiles back and gestures at Changbin to come in. 

"I'll be back in a second. And I really hope my mom will not eat you alive in the meantime."

"I really hope so too, but I guess I deserve it", Changbin laughs again. 

When Felix comes down in the nicest outfit he could put together in the short time, he is surprised to find Changbin still very much alive, having a conversation with his dad on the couch while his mom is shuffling in the kitchen. 

Changbin looks up at him, eyes traveling over his body until they lock with his own and Felix can almost physically feel them on him. He shivers and grabs Changbin's hand to pull him up so that the boy won't be able to muster him any longer. 

"We'll be going, dad", Felix announces as he drags the other boy to the front door. 

"Just call if you stay out longer or need a ride back home", his father shouts back. 

"Thanks!", Felix yells before closing the door.

Changbin pulls him onto the sidewalk and starts walking but doesn't let go of his hand. Felix's face flushes. What is the appropriate thing to do now? Pull away and risk disgruntling the boy or stay put and risk looking weird and making Changbin feel uncomfortable? 

But then Changbin starts softly swinging their hands between them and Felix decides to go with the flow. Skinship between two boys is mostly viewed in an amicable way in Korea after all, so Felix is probably the only one having his heartbeat to his throat. 

"Are your parents always this nice?", Changbin asks after a while to break the silence. 

Felix looks up at Changbin because he has been staring at their intertwined hands the entire time. 

"What do you mean?", the freckled one scoffs. "If I remember correctly, my mother was just about to give you a piece of her mind back there."

"Only because she cares about you. And your father was really chill just now", the older says, then his smile turns into something sad. "My dad- he's not a bad person but he has some bad mood swings."

Felix doesn't really know what that implies but he decides not to pry for now and only nods, waiting to see if Changbin will continue.

When he doesn't, Felix squeezes his hand reassuringly and changes the topic. 

"You know, I really didn't expect you to stand in front of my door this morning", he says, making Changbin laugh. 

"You said you want to get to know me better. And the bus rides are just not enough, for me at least", he mumbles the end, sounding bashful. 

Felix can't help the smile spreading on his face. 

"I bet you can imagine that my friends aren't too fond of you because of what you did. But I'm sure they would warm up to you if you spent some time with us at school."

He watches how Changbin tries to keep his smile up but fails.

"Look, Felix. I would love to get to know your friends and to talk to you in school but… Deokhwan is really difficult and he would not like that at all. I don't want to give him a reason to hurt you again."

Felix nods sadly. He doesn't want that either. But he wants to spend more time with Changbin. It's a predicament. 

In order to get to the town center, they cross the park where some kids are playing in a huge sandbox and Felix stops and crouches down to pet a cute poodle on the way, careful to not let go of Changbin's hand in the process. 

Only when they reach a cozy café on the other side of the park, their hands part as they sit down on opposite sides of the table. They order a blueberry muffin for Felix, carrot cake for Changbin and two milkshakes because this is not some k-drama date where they share a straw. Actually, this is not a date at all, Felix has to remind himself. Even if it feels a lot like one, they only want to get to know each other better, as friends. 

They talk about a lot of different things while enjoying their treats. Felix tells Changbin about his life in Sydney, how he misses his friends but how he has so much fun with his new ones, how he used to play volleyball and was part of a dance group. How he would love to join a dance group here too but he hasn't looked into it yet because he wants to focus on school first. 

Changbin talks about growing up in Korea, memories of when his mother was still living with them and his father happy and healthy. He looks sad but like he has accepted the way it is now. He continues to explain how he usually goes about producing a new song to lift the mood and it's still fascinating for Felix to hear the older talk about his passion. 

They are still chatting after having long finished their food and drinks, but Felix notices how Changbin not once mentions Kangdae or Deokhwan. As if they weren't an important part of his life, not his friends. But he's probably only being considerate of Felix and the younger appreciates it. 

When they walk back to Felix's house, they are not holding hands this time to his disappointment. But of course, he's also not brave enough to take the older's hand. He doesn't want to give him wrong signals after all. And it's totally unreasonable to even want to hold hands. What's going on? 

"What are you overthinking?", Changbin asks Felix with a smirk. 

"I am not- I mean, I-"

Changbin chuckles at him. 

"You're cute, Lee Felix."

And his heart might combust right then and there. Maybe he knows what's going on and he's not sure if he likes it. 

"Today was really fun", the older says once they stop in front of Felix's door. 

"It was, thank you", Felix agrees with a smile. 

"Maybe we can go on a date next weekend too?", Changbin asks, not meeting Felix's eyes. 

Felix looks at him in shock. Has he heard right? Is he misreading something because of his flawed Korean? 

"Yes", Felix breathes out because no matter what Changbin meant, he wants it. 

It earns him a bright smile from the other before he steps forward to place a feather-like kiss on his cheek. 

"See you on Monday, Lix", he whispers next to his ear and retreats. Then he continues to casually walk towards the bus stop as if he didn't just send Felix's heart into overdrive. 

The pink-haired boy stumbles back, fidgets with his keys and it takes him multiple attempts to open the door because his hands are shaking so badly. Once he's finally inside, he slams against the closed door and slides to the ground. 

Oh, Felix knows exactly what's going on. He's developing a big fat crush on Seo Changbin and he's not sure if he can stop it anymore. Or if he even wants to. 


	10. Chapter 10

"Hi Hyung!", Felix exclaims with a ridiculously fast-beating heart and takes the seat next to Changbin.

It has been like this since the older left him on Saturday.

"What are you doing on the floor, honey?", Felix's mother had asked him when she walked out of the kitchen with a can to water the house plants. 

Felix looked up at her with teary eyes and she immediately crouched down next to her son and inspected his face, probably looking for any fresh bruises. 

"What happened? He didn't hit you again, did he?"

Felix managed to shake his head and let out a breathy laugh. 

"I'm just stupid", he said.

His mom pulled him into a hug. "No, sweetheart. You're my smart, wonderful boy."

"Then why am I crushing on Seo Changbin?"

He felt his mother retreat from the embrace. 

"That's indeed a bit stupid", she said, but then she grinned teasingly. 

Felix hit her arm playfully. "Mom! What happened to  _ you're my smart, wonderful boy _ ?"

They both laughed at that. Then his mom took his hand. 

"It's okay, Felix. A wise person once said that the heart wants what it wants."

"You mean Selena Gomez?", Felix interrupted her with a chuckle. 

She rolled her eyes at him.

"Fine, I won't give you my sage advice if you don't appreciate it", she said and got up only to stumble over the watering can she put on the floor. 

Her socks and Felix's clothes soaked up the water but he could only laugh out loud while his mother stared in shock before joining in. 

"Karma is a bitch, mom", he said and got up from the floor. 

"Alright, then I'll give you my advice to collect some good karma now", she sighed mockingly. "You say he is actually nice? Then it's okay if you like him."

Felix worried his bottom lip. "What if he's not nice and hurts me again?"

"There's only one way to find out. You just have to decide if he's worth the risk", his mother answered.

Felix pulled her into another hug. "Thanks, mom."

"No worries, honey", she said warmly. "Now go change your clothes while I clean up this mess."

That evening, Felix thought about Changbin. About his soft smirk, the passionate glint in his eyes when talking about music, his soft humming to a tune, his strong rap voice in the songs he showed Felix. Then his hand slapping against Felix's forehead and nose. But that memory was quickly drowned out by the same hand hovering over his face and holding his hand. His sudden appearance that morning, his stuttering, his rosy cheeks. How warm he made Felix feel. 

That evening, Felix decided that yes, Changbin is worth trying. 

But recognizing and accepting his crush did nothing to help his poor heart. If anything, it made everything worse. The strong pounding, the skipping of beats, the pressure on it when only thinking about the guy. 

And now that he is seeing Changbin in his school uniform and the usual leather jacket, now that he smells the subtle scent of his shampoo, now that he sits next to him, Felix has a hard time keeping up his composure. 

He sits stiffly, forces a smile onto his face and doesn't dare to move. He knows it's ridiculous, in his mind he's telling his body to stop because it is being so ridiculous. But of course, it won't listen to him. 

"You okay?", Changbin asks, concern lacing his voice. 

And Felix has the urge to hide at the same time as he feels like melting into a puddle. Because Changbin looks genuinely worried about him while Felix is just being dumb again. 

"I'm completely fine, no need to worry", Felix answers. His voice only betrays him slightly by cracking once, but he doesn't stutter and he thinks he deserves a medal for that. 

He has been feeling nervous around Changbin before but the sole fact that he confessed his crush to himself and his mother makes it so much worse. Has Felix mentioned that his brain is totally useless? Because it is. 

"Are you sure? Your face is quite red. You're not sick, are you?", Changbin questions with furrowed brows and lays his hand onto Felix's forehead without a warning. 

Felix tries hard not to flinch away but he swears that the other's touch only makes his face warmer and redder. 

"Felix, you're hot!", Changbin exclaims and Felix wishes for the floor to open up. 

Didn't Changbin ask him out on a date? Doesn't that mean he feels the same as Felix and should be too nervous to touch him? Or maybe he got it all wrong after all and it's really just a friendly date. 

"You're an idiot", Felix says as he pries Changbin's hand off his forehead. 

Changbin looks at him with wide eyes, not having expected that reaction. "What? Why?"

"I'm not sick, I'm flustered. Dummy", Felix mumbles and looks in the opposite direction of where Changbin is sitting. 

The other makes a noise of surprise, then he chuckles. Suddenly, there's a hand tugging at his own. 

"Lix, am I making you nervous?", he asks with a low voice that sends shivers over Felix's back. 

The freckled boy looks back at him and of course, he smirks again. Felix wants to wipe that stupid smirk off his face. Or kiss it away. Or- wait what? Felix swallows. These thoughts don't help to calm his heart down. At all. 

"You are", he admits and Changbin's smile widens. 

Maybe he wants to hit Changbin instead of kissing him. He deserves it if he takes pleasure in his suffering. 

"It's okay to be nervous. I am too. But I hope we can be more comfortable around each other soon", Changbin replies and gives Felix's hand a squeeze. 

Okay, scratch that. He definitely wants to kiss Changbin. 

"So you were really talking about a  _ date _ date?", Felix asks instead. 

Changbin chuckles. "Yes, Felix. I want to take you on an actual date if you want that too. But honestly, I consider the day before yesterday our first date."

Felix's cheeks that just cooled down flush again. 

"But you said we would hang out as friends… I didn't know it was a date!", he complains. 

"Do you have to know it for it to be one? It felt like one to me", Changbin says. 

"You're right, it felt like one for me too", Felix replies with a smile. "But why do you want to go on a date with me anyway?"

This catches Changbin off-guard, but he still looks at Felix with a smile. 

"First of all, you're beautiful. That was the first thing I noticed when I saw you in the grand hall. Then you have the cutest accent ever and it drives me crazy to hear your deep voice. You have a great taste in music and you always listen to me rambling even if you don't understand what programs or synthesizers I'm talking about. You don't press if I'm not comfortable telling you something. And most importantly, you gave me another chance and don't only see me as the popular guy you should be afraid of. Not like everyone else. You're special."

Felix stares at the boy who is focusing on their linked hands, his breath taken away. When he finds his voice after a long moment, of course he has to say something stupid. 

"I wasn't expecting a love confession", Felix laughs breathlessly and instantly regrets it when Changbin's paling face snaps up.

"It was a joke, I'm sorry", Felix clears up and presses the older's hand. "While that's all very nice to hear, I rather asked because I didn't think you would like boys. Not after what your friends called me, I mean."

This luckily works to distract Changbin from the prior awkward moment. At least he hasn't pulled away his hand yet. It's slowly starting to feel a little sweaty between them but Felix wouldn't have it any other way. 

"My friends' opinion is not necessarily mine too. I don't like that they talk like that. I don't like that they constantly pick up fights either. But it's not like Deokhwan listens to me, not anymore", Changbin explains and looks rather exasperated. 

"So I guess they don't know you're not straight?"

Changbin shakes his head with sad eyes. 

"And you don't plan on telling them? What if we become a thing, do you plan to hide it from them?" Felix knows that he sounds a little irritated but he can't help it. 

The black-haired boy looks conflicted. "I will tell them if we become something serious. But until then, I don't want to risk anything-"

"Because it wouldn't be worth it", Felix finishes the sentence, thinking back to what his mother has told him. 

"Felix, please don't take it personally", Changbin pleads.

Oh, Felix does take it personally. Just two days ago, he decided that no matter what happens, Changbin will be worth it. But the other boy apparently doesn't think of Felix like that. 

At the same time, however, Felix understands the older. Yes, in his opinion, Changbin should just quit this so-called friendship with the other two. But Felix doesn't dare to tell him that, at least not yet. But if he hasn't broken it off yet, they must be important to him. And Felix understands that it is horrible to lose people close to you and he also wouldn't want to be the reason Changbin loses his confidants.

"It's okay. I'll give you the time you need", Felix breathes out. "But just be aware that I won't be in for a secret relationship."

"You won't have to be. I'll tell them when the time comes", Changbin assures him. 

Felix relaxes into his seat. It's weird to talk about a potential relationship between them but it feels nice at the same time. Felix could get used to the thought of them together. 

"So, what are we gonna do on that date?", Felix asks with a grin to change the serious topic. 

Changbin smiles back. "Whatever you want, baby."

Felix almost chokes on his spit. Then he slaps Changbin's shoulder with his free hand. 

"You can't say that! Especially not in public!"

Changbin's smirk grows. "But I just did."

"Idiot", Felix mutters. 

"Aww, my nickname for you was way better", Changbin complains only to be hit again by the younger. 

"You're cute, Lee Felix."

"You said that before."

"And I will say it again."

"No, you won't."

Changbin leans in closer and Felix's breath hitches. The older halts with his lips next to his ear. 

"You are the cutest, Lee Felix."

Then he backs off, leaving Felix and his heart and his breathing and his brain completely malfunctioning. 

"Oh look, that's our stop. Get up, babe", Changbin says as if nothing happened and winks. 

Felix knows the boy is only messing with him, but it still gets to him. He stumbles to the and pulls a giggling Changbin with him. 

The upside is that they don't let go of each other until they arrive at the school's front door. 

.

"Guess who was on a date with the Seo fucking Changbin this weekend!", Jisung yells once they arrive at their usual table in the cafeteria where all seven of them met up again during lunch break.

"Jisung, would you tone it down a bit!", Felix hisses as he sets down his tray. 

He already regrets telling the other boy about it in the morning. But he couldn't keep it inside any longer, he was just too happy and had to share it with someone. Luckily, only his friends look up as no one else seems to have heard Jisung or they just don't care. 

"And now guess who is going on another date with him next weekend", Jisung continues quieter now. 

Minho whistles at that. "I didn't think I would see any of them dating a boy anytime soon."

Felix knows he must be blushing again. 

"We're not dating…", he mumbles. 

Seungmin rolls his eyes. "You're literally going on dates."

"True, that's what you call dating", Minho agrees and nods. "So, how was it? Did you kiss?"

Seungmin slaps Minho's hand at that.

"Ouch! Why did you do that?!"

"Stop saying stupid things and I'll stop hitting you", Seungmin answers. "That's exactly why Jisung isn't going out with you yet. You're too insensitive."

That has both Minho and Jisung gaping and the rest of the round laughing. 

"Anyway", Minho clears his throat, clearly flustered. But Jisung has taken it even worse, his face looks like it's burning. "I still want an answer."

"Well", Felix starts and picks at his food to distract himself from his own embarrassment. "It was nice. We went to a café and just talked. And we didn't kiss, but he pecked my cheek."

When hearing that, Jisung's chopsticks fall to the floor with an unpleasant clinking sound. 

"How did you not mention that before?", he asks wide-eyed. 

Felix shrugs. "Small detail?"

"Small detail my ass! The guy is whipped for you!", Jisung exclaims and Felix's ears just turn a shade redder. 

"And Lix is whipped for him", Hyunjin adds with a smirk.

Felix doesn't even try to deny it. He wouldn't choose that word for what he feels for Changbin, but the fact that he feels  _ something  _ for him is enough for him to shut up and let his friends have their fun with teasing him. 

"But guys", Felix says. "You have to promise that you won't tell anyone. He wants to keep this from his friends for now."

That earns him more than one worried glance from his friends.

"Oh Felix", Chan sighs. "We won't say anything, of course, but this is not what a healthy relationship looks like."

The others nod in agreement. And Felix agrees too. But Changbin has promised he will tell them if there develops more between them. And Felix finds himself trusting the older.

"Ohh speaking of the devil", Jeongin whisper-shouts and causes everyone to look in the direction of the entrance. 

Deokhwan, Kangdae and Changbin are standing in front of the counter to get their food. Felix's heart makes a weird flip even though he has seen the older only a few hours ago. 

When they pass their table, Changbin suddenly stops and Felix feels like the blood in his veins freezes. He won't dare to ask to eat with them when his friends are right here, or would he? But he made it pretty clear that it's not worth it this morning. 

Changbin crouches down and comes back up with a pair of chopsticks in his hands. 

"Are those yours?", he asks Jisung.

"I- what? Oh yes, thank you!", the squirrel boy answers and gives Changbin a bright smile. 

Changbin returns the smile tentatively. His eyes flicker over to Felix, then back to his friends who are already waiting impatiently. He follows them to a table at the end of the huge dining hall. 

Felix lets go of a deep breath. 

"So he really is nice", Chan comments absentmindedly. 

"He seems to be", Jisung states and earns himself a glare from Minho. 

"What?", the younger boy asks. 

"Oh, I don't know. First you stutter when talking to him, then you smile at him like he's some pop star and now you compliment him", Minho answers with a pout and the whole scene just becomes totally hilarious because of the jealousy the older isn't even trying to hide. 

"Don't be ridiculous, I'm not hitting on Felix's boyfriend."

Okay, maybe not so hilarious.

"He is  _ not  _ my boyfriend!", Felix whisper-yells but is totally ignored. 

"Besides, as Seungmin has pointed out so nicely before, we're not going out. So why do you care?", Jisung challenges him with a satisfied grin. 

"Well, I do care, mind you. So why don't we just go out?"

"Fine", Jisung retorts. 

"What?", Minho gives back in shock. 

Jisung just shrugs. "You should have asked sooner. Do you really think I would have rejected you?"

For someone who just went red as a beet at the mention of going out with Minho, Jisung is acting pretty tough now. 

Seungmin rolls his eyes at them. "Wow, they have been pining for each other for years and it only took such a stupid conversation for them to start dating? Lix, your knight in shining armour really is something else, he brings people together."

Felix doesn't know about that, but Changbin surely is something else. He looks over to the table at the back and smiles. For a moment he thinks he can see Changbin smiling back at him. At least he likes to imagine he does and that's enough for now. 

  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have to say I like this chapter. Because we have another insight in Felix's relationship with his mom, we have the story title in it, it's so fun to write Changbin teasing Lix and because Minsung escalated quickly lol
> 
> I hope you liked it too ❤


	11. Chapter 11

It's difficult to approach Felix after the incident behind the gym. Okay, scratch that. It's absolutely nerve-wracking.

But when Changbin sees the younger boy enter the same bus he has been taking for years, it feels like  _ the _ opportunity to make up for what he did. 

He still doesn't know what it is that suddenly drives him to think this way, to allow himself to care for once. He thought about it over the last days. Heck, he thought about  _ Felix  _ over the whole damn weekend. But he still didn't come to a conclusion. Or rather, the only conclusion he came to is one he won't accept so easily. 

What he is sure about though is the fact that the pink-haired boy did not deserve anything they did to him and he wants to fix that. At least to try to do so. 

That's how he gets up from his seat in the back and makes his way towards the younger despite his hands trembling from nervousness. Where is his cold, dark persona when he needs it?

Felix doesn't even notice how he sits down next to him, utterly engrossed in watching the passing buildings outside while listening to music. It's a beautiful picture that Changbin would love to capture and hang on a wall but he is here to talk, to apologize again. So he clears his throat and moves a little in his seat to make his presence known. But it's to no avail. So he carefully taps Felix's shoulder as nothing else seems to work.

Changbin is almost startled too when Felix flinches and turns towards him. He clears his throat again. He really has to keep his facade in check, at least a little. He doesn't know the boy after all. 

"What do you want?", Felix asks and it sounds so angry. 

But Changbin deserves that.

Now that the boy turned towards him, Changbin is able to examine his face. As he's so close, he can clearly see how the younger tried to cover up his bruises. They are almost gone, just like his beautiful freckles. But if he looks closely, he can make out the purple shapes. The bruises  _ he  _ left there. He doesn't even notice how he extends his arm to touch Felix's skin, too distracted by the thought that he did this to an innocent boy. 

"What did I say about never touching me again?"

That pulls him out of his thoughts and he puts his hand down again. He really doesn't know how to go about this. He has never been in that situation before. There are many people he has hit before. The first was an older boy in elementary school but after that, he lost count and the faces all blurred together. That was until he met Felix. He's the first one to stand out to him.

"You covered them up", Changbin states plainly. "Your freckles too."

_ Way to go to not sound like a weirdo or a creep, Changbin. _

"I don't get you", Felix breathes out. 

It's not that he has expected anything else but it would be a lie to say that it didn't hurt a bit. It's all he ever felt like, misunderstood. And to hear it from the boy who stood out, who could be different… 

"I'd be surprised if you did", he answers. 

Felix furrows his brow, looking lost in thought. Although his freckles are certainly missing, he looks cute like that. His heart-shaped face, the small nose, long eyelashes, full lips. Changbin still can't believe someone can be as beautiful as him. 

And that's exactly why he does not like that one conclusion he came to. Because it is only superficial, right? He's only attracted to his looks. Or is there actually something like charisma or an aura that draws him in? It surely feels like it. The boy has something calming surrounding him. It seems like as long as he's close to him, nothing can happen. And that can't be because of his angel-like face, right? 

But still. If what he's feeling, whatever it may be, is legit, he knows it won't be returned. The reactions he has gotten from the younger so far were very clear. 

"What do you want?"

Changbin blinks a few times to come back to reality. 

"I wanted to apologize, again. And to make sure you're okay."

"Do you often hit people who haven't done anything wrong?"

It sounds like a joke but sadly it isn't one to him, so he just nods and bites on his lip.

"Deokhwan looks buff, has a big mouth and all, but I'm usually doing the dirty work."

"Why?", Felix demands.

"You wouldn't understand", Changbin dismisses him vaguely and looks away. 

"You haven't even tried to explain anything!", Felix complains and folds his arms in front of his chest. 

"Maybe someday I will", Changbin mumbles quietly and gets up from the seat. 

There's so much he has on his chest, so much explaining he could do. But it isn't the time yet and maybe it will never be. But Changbin hopes that Felix could be that person for him one day. A person he can trust and always confide in. 

This is not the end, Changbin decides then. Yes, he will step out of this damn stuffy bus and walk to school alone. But he will come back to that damn stuffy bus and try to approach Felix again. If he tells him to get lost, Changbin will stop of course. But the younger hasn't openly rejected him yet. So maybe there is still a chance that they will become friends? 

Because that's all he wants right now. To make sure Felix is okay and safe and to get a little closer. He doesn't even feel the need to overstep the line between friends and more than friends if he can just get to know the boy better. Well, a small part of him does, but he can control it. So that this hopefully won't be the end but the beginning. 

.

He does not have control over that small part for a long time once they start listening to music together.

It affects him so much that he tries to maneuver his and his friends' way around Felix in school as best as he can because he feels so protective of him. He even goes as far as to tell them to ignore Felix. And even if it makes him look hella suspicious, his friends agree when they find another target. He's a first-grader who talked back to Kangdae and Changbin thinks it wouldn't take much to make Deokhwan want to get back at him in the near future. 

They don't even talk and Changbin still feels like this. But he also can't get himself to break the silence or, more precisely, to talk over the music. Because unless he is very much mistaken, he thinks that Felix is slowly getting more comfortable around him, just as he is. 

Still, it's hard for Changbin to open up to other people, so he wouldn't even know what to say if they were to talk. But he is good at expressing himself with music. That's why he decides to let the younger listen to his new song. And the excited response he gets is amazing. It almost makes him feel like the younger could actually understand him. 

That is until Felix gets his intentions all wrong.

"Why are you doing this?"

Changbin is taken aback by the sudden question. Why is he doing what? Why the abrupt mood change? 

"What do you mean?", he asks confused. 

"Why are we taking the bus together and listen to music? Is there some ulterior motive?"

An ulterior motive? Has Felix realized Changbin's developing crush before he himself even accepted it? 

"No, I- what are you trying to say? Isn't this how you make friends?"

He sounds like a complete idiot. One that doesn't know how to make friends. Because that's exactly what he is. 

"Why did you hit me if you want to be friends?"

"I'm trying to make up for that. I really want to be your friend", Changbin answers, letting his feelings speak for him. 

"Why won't you walk me to school then?", Felix scoffs. 

It pulls at an unwanted feeling in Changbin's chest. He feels it every time Deokhwan tells him what to do, every time Kangdae makes a joke about homosexuals and he can't tell him it's wrong, every time he sees Felix in the hallways and can't greet him. But it's something he can't change and Felix doesn't understand that. Of course, he doesn't understand. 

"Why do you never take the seat next to me?", Changbin retorts as a result of his defence mechanism. 

"I'm not the one who wants to become friends!"

And that's so utterly blunt and true that it feels more like a slap to his face than spoken words. He has been awful towards Felix. Of course, he wouldn't suddenly want to be his friend. He has never taken himself for the naïve type, but here he is. The realization only makes him feel even more bitter.

"I see", he says. "Maybe that's why I don't walk you to school. It wouldn't be worth it"

As soon as he gets up and walks away, he regrets his words. It's not Felix's fault. He should be worth the risk of being seen together. It's really just his own fault for being such a coward. But Felix made it clear that he does not want to be his friend. So why bother thinking about it further? He should use his time on more important matters. Like closing off his heart again and repainting the mask he always wears. He feels like it's in need of a proper refurbishment. 

.

The day he has to punch the first-year boy with fox-like eyes comes sooner than Changbin expected. But he has practiced his old unbothered and a little mean persona since Felix rejected his offer to be friends. So he is back to feeling nothing when he is about to hit the boy. A sick part of him is even looking forward to letting go of everything and being consumed by the feeling of rage like he used to when he was a child. Only that he isn't angry now, especially not because of that student who did nothing wrong. Changbin is just disappointed, so punching the guy would probably do nothing to make him feel better. 

He doesn't end up doing it though because a certain pink-haired boy slides in between before Changbin can do anything. As soon as he recognizes Felix, he immediately knows he would stop. All his thoughts from before are blown away again as the mask he kept up crumbles. It earns himself a hell of an angry talk from Deokhwan afterwards and he almost anticipates to be the one receiving a punch today, but it doesn't go that far. He just stomps away and tells Changbin to  _ get his fucking mind sorted out before he will regret it. _

Everything is worth it though when Felix joins him on the bus the next morning. It actually feels like they will be able to become friends and Changbin couldn't be happier about it. 

That's how he finds himself standing in front of Felix's door a few days later. He has contemplated whether he should bring a flower or something but then it would immediately be clear that his motives weren't only amicable. And it's probably outdated anyway. 

He has the shock of his life when Felix's mother looks so angry when she sees him but luckily, her son is quickly there to save him. 

Changbin's breath hitches in his throat because the younger looks absolutely adorable. His pink bed hair stands up in all directions and there are  _ ducks  _ printed on his pyjamas, how cute can it get?

That's how Changbin is a stuttering mess in front of him. But he's glad when Felix agrees to come with him and invites him in for a moment. 

It's a little awkward to wait with his father, but the man quickly engages him in an easy conversation about school. He is grateful for that because as long as it is about the subjects and not the things he does during breaks, school is a safe topic. He's still glad when Felix arrives back down, dressed in blue jeans and one of his oversized hoodies. Changbin probably stares at him for a little too long but who can blame him, honestly? 

What he doesn't expect is the younger to grab his hand. It feels so small but perfect in his own, however, that he doesn't let go of it until they arrive at the café.

It's a bit scary how much interest Changbin has in the boy and his life but he doesn't care. For a moment, he just lets himself have a first date with his crush - because that's what it is to him. 

On the way back, he misses the warmth of Felix's hand against his but he doesn't want to make the boy uncomfortable. Changbin told him, this was a friendly date but now he would ask for a real one. When Felix agrees, Changbin can't help but smile at the blushing boy in front of him. This means Felix sees more than a friend in him too, right? Changbin feels dozens of butterflies in his stomach. He steps closer to kiss the slightly taller boy's cheek without thinking but he doesn't regret it at all and still thinks about his soft skin under his lips when he falls asleep that night. 

.

When he enters the cafeteria the next day, Changbin is still thinking about their conversation this morning. They kind of unofficially started dating and he feels more than happy about it. Even if it's a little bittersweet because his friends can't know for now but Felix said he would give him time. But Changbin doesn't want to think about that right now. He just wants to think about Felix. 

That's when he sees the freckled boy sitting together with his group of friends. He plans on walking straight past them then, not wanting to make Kangdae and Deokhwan suspicious. But when he almost steps on a pair of chopsticks lying on the ground, he picks them up without thinking. 

"Are those yours?", he asks the boy closest to him. 

He takes the chopsticks and says something, but Changbin only smiles curtly and focuses on Felix instead. He quickly snaps out of it though when he remembers his friends and hurries after them. 

"So", Deokhwan begins as the dark-haired boy sits down next to him. "First you ask us to ignore that fairy boy, then you don't want to hit the baby that sits with them and now you even give a hand to that rodent?"

He shakes his head disapprovingly. "What's next? Will you go out on a date with one of them?"

The spoon Changbin just picked up drops into his bowl and makes some of the hot liquid inside splash onto his hand. 

"I- what? Don't be ridiculous", he mumbles and hates himself for it. 

"Oh really? So Kangdae is lying when he says that he saw you drinking milkshakes with Lee Felix this weekend?", he asks with a raised eyebrow.

Changbin's head snaps up at Kangdae but the other only gives him a shrug and smirks. They both don't look mad, rather curious. But he knows it's just an act.

"I just ran into him there, is that so wrong?", he lies through gritted teeth. 

"Of course not", Deokhwan says with a too-sweet smile. "But we wouldn't want him to rub off on you, right? So I guess it would be better to stay away from him."

The way he said it together with his fierce eyes is enough to make it look like a threat more than anything else. When did he turn into this? When did he stop being the Hwan he thought he knew? But Changbin can't risk Felix being hurt again because of one of Deokhwan's sudden fits of rage. But he also can't lose Felix now. Not after they established that they have both developed a crush on each other. 

"Sure, it's not like care", Changbin says as nonchalantly as he can and picks the spoon up again to start eating his soup. 

He wants to sigh. How is he supposed to tell Felix that they have to meet in secret when he just promised him he would talk to his friends when the time comes? But the right time just isn't there yet and he really hopes that the younger will understand. 

He looks over at the other table when his friends are engrossed in talking about some new video game that is about to be released. Despite the distance, he can make out Felix and gives him an apologetic smile. He thinks the boy smiles back at him. 

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahh I really don't like this chapter because except for the last scene it's just repetition and I really don't want to bore you guys. I tried not to include everything in detail but of course it still had to make sense somehow ^^'
> 
> I hope this was still okay for you to read ♡  
> Are you ready for their second date in the next chapter?


	12. Chapter 12

"Hey Felix", Changbin greets him and takes the bus seat next to him. 

It has only been a few hours since Felix saw Changbin potentially smiling at him in the canteen. But now he is not so sure about it. The boy tries to muster up a smile but he horribly fails at doing so. Maybe he is getting nervous too now and Felix isn't alone with that jittery feeling anymore? 

"I wanted to talk to you", Changbin starts. "About our date."

That feels like a punch to his guts because Felix can already imagine what the other wants to say. That they can't go on a date, that they actually should stop seeing each other altogether, that it was a bad idea or maybe just a bet to get him to go out with Changbin?

"Hey", Changbin softly says with a worried voice and lays a hand over Felix's but the latter pulls it away immediately. 

He knows he is being stupid. They have only really established their mutual interest in each other this morning and Felix is already so attached that it hurts to break away now. 

"Remember how I said we could do anything you wanted? I think I would prefer staying at your place?", the older says but it sounds more like a question. 

Felix furrows his eyebrows. That was definitely not what he expected.

"How come? You don't want to hide me, do you?"

Changbin looks like someone just slapped him. 

"Not  _ you _ . Rather  _ us _ ."

Felix scoffs. "That doesn't make it better, Changbin."

"I know", he answers. "But I thought we agreed on this? That it's okay to keep it secret for a while?"

"I said that, but now it really doesn't feel okay. I feel like shit, like you are embarrassed about being seen with me", Felix bites back and surprises himself with how honest and straightforward he is. 

Changbin's face softens and he tries to take Felix's hand again. The freckled boy hides both of them between his thighs this time.

Changbin sighs. "If it weren't for my friends and the fact that we're living in Korea, I would love to shout it from every roof that I want you to be my future boyfriend."

Felix's head snaps up just when his heart skips a beat. 

"You want me to be your boyfriend?", he asks in a whispered tone. 

He is being stupid again. This conversation was about something entirely different, something very important. And he is screaming at his brain to not fall for what is probably only a lousy attempt to distract him and wrap him around Changbin's little finger. And that attempt is working brilliantly because apparently one word, that word being  _ boyfriend _ , can turn off his brain completely again. 

"I don't want to give you false hopes, Lix. If it turns out that one of us doesn't see the other like that after all, then I want us to be honest about it and maybe part as friends?"

And that's reasonable. That's what Felix wants too. To get to know the older better and see what happens because a crush is only a crush, after all, nothing too serious. 

"Alright, then we meet at yours", Felix says but Changbin seems not very fond of the idea. 

"My dad will be home…", Changbin begins but trails off, as if he is imagining all the scenarios that could possibly happen if Felix comes over. 

"Does he not know either? Is he homophobic?", Felix asks. 

Changbin shakes his head. "No, he knows and he's fine with it. But he is just… difficult."

Felix has only very vague information about Changbin's father. Changbin told him that when his mother left them to start a family with another guy, it has torn his father all up and made him emotionally unstable. But that's it. Felix doesn't know what he should imagine the man to be like. 

"You met my parents already, now I can meet your dad", Felix reasons nonetheless. 

He almost backs out of it again when he sees the struggle clear on Changbin's face but then the older nods. 

"Fine. Let's exchange numbers and we will text about the details?"

That's how in the evening, he gets his first message from Changbin. 

**Changbin**

_ I'm sorry Lix _

_ Good night _

**You**

_ Good night hyung ♡ _

Felix throws his phone to the other side of his bed. Has he just sent a heart? Yes, he has. Does he regret it? Yes, he does. 

A sudden ping goes off and signals the arrival of a new message. Felix scurries over to where he tossed the cell as fast as he can. 

**Changbin**

🖤

He lets out a squeak and his phone falls to the floor, followed by the boy himself. 

There he lies for a few minutes, laughing like an idiot because Seo Changbin considers wanting him to be his boyfriend and Seo Changbin has sent him a heart back through text. 

Wow, he sounds like a stupid teenager in love. He looks like one too with the way he is lying on the cold floor and laughs in the dark, empty bedroom like a madman. Hell, he  _ is  _ a stupid teenager and maybe he is taking the first steps to fall. It certainly is not love yet and maybe he's only falling for mean tricks. But he is definitely falling for Seo Changbin. 

.

"You must be Felix", the man who opens the door says after Felix found the front door of the apartment complex unlocked and ringed the bell right next to the flat door on the third floor. 

The man is not much taller than Felix himself and has dark hair, just like Changbin. But besides that, he barely looks like his son. 

"Good day, Sir. It's a pleasure to meet you", Felix greets him, using the politest form of Korean because he really doesn't know how to behave in this situation. 

The middle-aged man steps aside with a chuckle to let Felix in. He doesn't seem to be as bad as Changbin made him out to be. 

"Dad, what did I say about not opening the door?", an annoyed voice shouts from a distance. Then Changbin hurries out of one of the doors accessible through the hallway attached to the small living room. 

"You took too long", his father answers with a shrug. "Anyway, I'll leave the two of you alone now. Have fun."

And then he retreats to the kitchen, probably to do the dishes. 

"Felix, will you stay for dinner?", Changbin's father yells. 

Dinner is hours away and Felix doesn't want to overstay his welcome, so his eyes dart to Changbin to look for help. 

"If you want to", he offers nonchalantly and Felix nods tentatively because spending more time with Changbin is all he wants right now. 

"He's staying, dad", Changbin yells before dragging the boy over to his room. 

It's about the size of Felix's room but it's enough to portray how distinctively Changbin it is. One of the walls is painted in a subtle blue tone and in front of it, there is a huge desk with a small keyboard on it (or is it the synthesizer Changbin has told him about?) and next to it there's a big shelf harbouring a mass of CDs, records and a few books. The rest of the room is fairly normal: A simple single bed and a small wardrobe in which all of Felix's clothes would never fit.

"It looks so- like you", Felix breathes out when he notices Changbin nervously fidgeting with his hands, seemingly waiting for Felix to say something. 

Changbin blinks at him a few times. "What does that even mean?"

The pink-haired boy shrugs. "It's simple but has character", is all he says before he plops himself onto the bed. 

Changbin joins him and for a moment it feels awkward between them. What should they do now? What should they talk about? Why does it just flow when they are on the bus together or distracted by eating cake and drinking milkshakes, but not now when they are actually alone? Maybe that's exactly it. They are completely alone for the very first time and neither of them knows what to do in this situation. 

"Your father seems nice", Felix breaks the silence after a while. 

Changbin only chuckles humorlessly. "He has a good day. Thank God he has a good day. I wouldn't want you to see him in a different state."

Felix gulps and takes Changbin's hand, just like the other has done so many times before. 

"If you want to talk about it, I'm here for you", Felix offers but is met with a shaking head. 

"I appreciate it but I don't want to think about my dad today. I just want to spend time with you", Changbin answers, making something warm spread in his chest. 

"Fine, then what shall we do?", Felix says and lies down onto his stomach, resting his head on his hands and wiggling with his legs. 

He thinks he hears a  _ cute _ coming from the older boy's mouth but he isn't sure about it. 

"Whatever you want, baby", Changbin repeats what he has said on the bus in a suggestive voice. 

Felix chuckles and rolls his eyes. But then he realizes Changbin could have hinted at something entirely different with that and it makes him swallow heavily. 

It's not like he hates the idea of getting closer with Changbin but it's probably too soon and Felix has about zero experience. Alright, he has kissed his friend Marco back in Sydney but they were still in primary school and just curious. But that's about it. Nothing beyond kissing or hand-holding. And they have held hands before. Changbin has even kissed him on the cheek. Maybe that means he wants to take another step now? Or maybe two? Changbin is already eighteen, one year older than himself. Of course, he would not only want to meet up to talk, or would he? 

"Ouch!", Felix exclaims when a finger flicks against his forehead. 

"I don't know what it is, but you're overthinking something again. Just relax, I don't bite. Or are you still scared of me?"

Felix sits back up again. "I'm not scared of you."

That's only a half-truth. Because Felix  _ is _ scared. He's scared that Changbin will hurt him. But only mentally, not physically. Not anymore. 

"That's good", he says. Then he looks down at his cellphone when a message pops up on the screen. "Do you want to play Mario Kart? My dad just texted me that he's going grocery shopping for dinner."

Felix agrees with a smile and they make their way towards the sofa in the living room. Each of them takes a Wii remote and Changbin starts the game.

It is fun because they are on a similar level but Felix still manages to win every round. If Changbin is bothered by it, he doesn't show it. He just gives him a bright laugh whenever Felix jumps up from the couch to make a small victory dance and even joins him now, although he didn't even make it on the winner's podium this time.

When they fall back into the soft cushions, they are sitting a lot closer and Felix bites on his inner cheek harshly in order to make himself focus on the game and not their touching knees. But it's to no avail. They are currently on _Moonview Highway_ and Felix loves this track, just because he enjoys the aesthetic of it. But all this love for the track doesn't help right now. Felix crashes into almost every car coming his way because he is suddenly so aware of what's going on. 

Because what's going on is that he is sitting so close to a very handsome boy that he can practically feel him and it's doing things to Felix's heart. He glances over at Changbin who has his lips pursed in concentration as he is still taking this game seriously, unlike Felix. His lips are perfect. His pointy chin is perfect. The full cheeks, the small nose, the beautiful dark eyes that absorb Felix like a black hole. Changbin is perfect. 

Felix is pulled out of his thoughts by a happy squeal indicating that Changbin just won the game for the first time. On the lower half of the screen, you can see Toad crying in his kart. Felix wasn't even close to the finish line but he doesn't care at all. 

"What, are you a sore loser Lix?", Changbin asks with a smirk on his face. 

"I- I'm not", Felix stumbles over his words. 

_ I'm only really attracted to you.  _

Changbin then turns to him and Felix swears he's leaning closer. 

"Then you will agree that I deserve a prize, right?", Changbin teases. 

"Sure. Whatever you want, baby", Felix teases back because his mouth is suddenly more confident than himself.

Something in Changbin's dark eyes changes and it sends goosebumps over Felix's body. 

"Is that so?", the older says under his breath, straddles Felix and gently pushes him down with his hands until the younger boy's head meets the seat of the couch.

Changbin lets his eyes wander over Felix's face before traveling the same path with his fingers. Felix's breath gets caught in his throat and Changbin is quick to pull his hand away. Without thinking, Felix reaches out to stop him and guides the older's hand back onto his face 

Changbin chuckles but continues and cards his fingers through Felix's soft pink hair. Felix's eyes flutter closed as his head tingles and he basks in the feeling of having Changbin so close to him. 

"What about a kiss then?", Changbin whispers. 

Felix opens his eyes again and smiles at the other. Only an hour or two ago he has feared this. But Changbin seems like he has nothing to rush and waits for Felix's confirmation to do anything. It makes him feel safe and comfortable. So he smiles and reaches up to cup Changbin's cheeks. His skin is smooth underneath his fingertips and his lips look just soft when Felix guides them closer to his own. 

He is just about to close his eyes again when the clicking of the lock is heard as someone turns a key in it. 

Changbin immediately backs off of him with a groan. Felix sits up straight too. 

After a way too long moment, the door opens and Changbin's father comes stumbling in. Felix almost gasps at the man who looks so different from how he has seen him before. His dark hair is totally disheveled, his eyes and nose red and he seems to have lost his sense of balance as he walks into the living room with an apparent lack of grocery bags. Instead, he is holding a bottle in his hand. 

Felix has not seen many drunk people in his life but it doesn't take a genius to figure the situation out. 

He focuses back on Changbin because the boy went completely stiff next to him. He stares at his dad in shock, then back at Felix. He looks like he's about to panic.

"Felix, you have to go, I'm sorry", Changbin mutters to him, his voice sounding awfully strained. 

He knows it's probably for the best but he also doesn't want to leave Changbin alone with his drunk father.

Said man tumbles forward right now and catches himself on the dining table. Then he snickers. 

"Of course, send him away!", he chortles but there is nothing funny about it. There is so much hurt in his eyes and venom in his voice that he scares Felix. 

"Because you are embarrassed about me! Just like she was embarrassed about me!"

Changbin flinches. "Dad-"

His father cuts him off. "No, I get it. I'm a disaster. I can't even go grocery shopping without being reminded of her and leave with nothing but a cheap bottle of vodka. I  _ am  _ an embarrassment."

Felix has a hard time understanding the lulled Korean words but he gets the gist of it and he feels increasingly more uncomfortable to be there. These words are not meant to be heard by him. 

"Dad, that's not-"

"It is", Changbin's dad says and raises the not even half-filled bottle in his hand. "It is true. And you will leave me, won't you? You will leave me just like she left me."

The man is crying now and would probably not be able to keep standing without the table as his support. 

Changbin raises from the sofa and tentatively walks towards his father. He pries his fingers off the glass bottle and places it onto the table before carefully wrapping an arm around his dad. 

"I won't leave you, I'm here. Do you hear me?"

His father nods into the crook of his son's neck. 

"Good. Then let's get you into bed so you can sleep this off, alright?"

Changbin's tone almost reminds Felix of how adults speak to small children. Felix feels awful for just sitting there and staring after them, so he gets up and snatches a plastic water bottle from the kitchen counter. 

He doesn't want to intrude, so he waits until Changbin opens the door again and hands him the bottle. 

"He might need it."

Changbin blinks at him a few times before accepting it with a sad smile. 

"You really are an angel, aren't you?", he says before disappearing into the room. 

When he comes back into the living room, he takes Felix's hand and guides him to the front dor. 

"I'm sorry. I know you didn't want me to see this", Felix apologizes as he slips into his sneakers.

"Don't worry, it wasn't your fault. And I understand if you don't want to… continue whatever we have", the older's voice trails off. 

Felix lets the shoe he just picked up fall back to the floor and straightens his back. 

"Because of your father?", Felix asks incredulously. 

Changbin nods. 

"I have to like you, not your father. Besides he doesn't seem like a bad person, only a broken one. I'm just worried because you have to deal with everything", Felix says and pulls Changbin into a hug. 

It is even better than he has imagined it to be. Changbin's body is warm but Felix also feels warm on the inside. It feels comfortable. It feels right. 

"Thank you", Changbin breathes out.

"Do you want me to stay?"

He can feel the older's head shake against his shoulder. "I should look after him. I'll see you on Monday?"

Felix breaks away from the embrace, a little disappointed. But he understands and knows better than to interfere even more. Instead, he bends down to put on his second sneaker.

"Today was nice and I really want to continue whatever we have", Felix uses Changbin's awkward choice of words and gives him a teasing grin. 

The older sheepishly smiles back at him. 

Felix leans in to peck the older's cheek. "Don't worry, you'll get your actual prize another time. See you on Monday."

The last thing he sees before the door closes behind him are Changbin's rosy cheeks and his stupidly fond smile that is mirrored on Felix's own face. 

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp their second date didn't quite go as planned... but it was still cute, right? ♡
> 
> Let me know what you think~


	13. Chapter 13

The next two weeks pass in the blink of an eye because almost all their first exams are packed into that time span. And as Felix expected, the Korean school system is no joke. So instead of continuing his days like usual - namely doing homework and practicing Korean, thinking about Changbin, spending time with his parents, going on dates with Changbin, chatting with his friends and then mostly thinking some more about Changbin - he focuses on studying only. He hasn't even allowed himself to read the books that finally arrived yet. He's really only sitting in front of his school literature, not understanding half of the technical terms used in it. 

One time when he was just as lost in biology class, he asked Jisung what the word he was struggling with meant. 

"Ji, what is a symbiosis?"

Jisung only groaned in response. "How the hell am I supposed to know?"

"Umm… because you're fluent in Korean?"

"But I'm not fluent in Biology. So ask Google. Or Seungmin, he's basically fluent in school."

Felix laughed at him back then but now he's following that advice, although he mainly sticks to Google because he knows just how much Seungmin has to revise himself.

**Changbin**

_ How is it going? 🖤 _

**You**

_ I want this week to be over _

_ I miss you ♡ _

Okay, so maybe he does not only study. Because thinking about Changbin comes naturally to him, it's not even his fault. And when the older checks on him, he has to reply of course. The problem is that it's more often than not the start of a very random but for Felix's fried brain very much needed midnight conversation between them. And it always ends with one of them falling asleep, whether it be while texting or during a phone call. 

It probably affects his performance in the exams but on the bright side, it means that he has an excuse to lay his head on Changbin's shoulder when they take the bus each morning.

Yes, they see each other every day and all but cuddle on the way to school. But it's still not enough for either of the two. That's how those late conversations on the phone and the exchanged  _ I miss you  _ texts become a frequent occurrence over the two weeks.

Jisung wrinkles his nose and calls them simps when he snatches Felix's phone out of his hand one time during the break. But Felix isn't bothered by it one bit and just smiles. Because he is happy despite the stress and pressure crushing down in him. Because he is distracted by always checking his phone for a new message or just to look at the ill-lit picture on it that Changbin sent him one night and that screams boyfriend material. 

"Tomorrow is everyone's last exam and then there's only one week left before we have a week off, can you imagine?", Felix asks into the phone right now. 

His bedroom is only dimly lit by the fairy lights above his bed. When he's lying in bed like now, he likes to pretend they are little stars in the night sky.

"It's about time. One more exam and I swear to God I would go insane", Changbin answers through the speakers.

He sounds tired and it worries Felix. But on the other hand, it's hard not to get exhausted after those two weeks of horror. He can just hope that all of them will be better afterwards. They are all more than ready for the autumn holidays. 

"How about we do something together afterwards?", Felix suggests and starts to fiddle with the hem of his duckling pyjamas. The same that Changbin saw him in once.

"Sure", the older answers easily. "At your place?"

Felix cringes a little and rolls over onto his side. There's nothing wrong with meeting at home, Felix just doesn't like what it implies. And besides, he really wished that he could introduce Changbin to his friends soon. Sure, they are not together or anything. But especially over the last two weeks of texting and talking and being close, Felix's crush on the boy has turned into something more. A very huge crush maybe. Or something else, but Felix is not ready to think about it, far less say it out loud.

"My friends want to hang out at the arcade after school tomorrow. To celebrate, you know. And I thought it might be nice if you came with us..."

Felix sits up and puts his fluffy Ryan pillow onto his lap. He only hopes that bringing his friends up won't do any damage to their relationship. Because the freckled boy knows this is dangerous territory he's entering. 

There's a sigh coming from the other end. "Felix, we talked about this…"

"I know, I know! No meeting outside anymore, no showing up together except for the walk to school because there's no chance your friends will be there", Felix quickly interrupts him. 

Felix pulls his knees to his chest, crushing Ryan in the process. 

"But they won't be at the arcade, right? And it would mean a lot to me", he adds in a weak voice. 

On the one hand, he doesn't want to pressure the older. He wants to give him the time he needs and respect his wishes. But on the other, Felix still can't get rid of the feeling that Changbin wants to hide him in specific and that he doesn't ever plan to tell them. 

Another sigh is heard. "Fine, I'll come with you."

"Really?!", Felix asks and almost squeals out of sheer happiness.

Changbin chuckles at his reaction. "Really", he confirms. 

"Thank you, Hyung!"

"You should go to sleep now. I don't want you to fall asleep on your last exam."

"Don't remind me, I don't want to write it", Felix whines. "But you're right. Have a good night, Binnie."

Felix throws his pillow away. Is that nickname appropriate? But Changbin doesn't seem to mind. 

"Sleep well, Lixie."

.

"Are you sure he's coming?", Seungmin asks, checking his wristwatch for the fourth time already. 

Felix has met Changbin on the bus like every morning and told him to meet them at their bus stop after PE class. He and Felix even exchanged glances during the whole practice - they have moved on to gymnastics now and how the older's arms look when he's on the high bar is no joke. But that's not the point. The point is that they have already been waiting for more than ten minutes and they have even taken their time changing and walking here. 

"I told him he should come here and he agreed", Felix murmurs. 

Felix doesn't know what to do if Changbin decides not to come. Sure, it would be a pity if they couldn't finally all meet and spend time together. But it would be even worse because it would break Felix's trust in Changbin a little more.

"That's ten more minus points for your lover boy", Jisung states. 

"What score does he have?", Minho inquires curiously. 

"Hm, let me think", Jisung says and taps his chin as if he's considering a question that's actually important. 

"Minus twenty for being a bully, subtract thirty for punching Felix, add twenty for not punching Innie, add ten for picking up my chopsticks and another twenty for being so sweet with Lix lately."

The chubby-cheeked boy looks down to his hands where he counted with his fingers. 

"That's a total of minus ten. But being a producer is totally worth ten points, so he's back to zero", Jisung explains and earns himself a critical look from his boyfriend. 

"What?", the younger asks offended. "That totally makes sense. At least in my head."

"I think Minho-hyung is just jealous again", Jeongin giggles and jabs Minho's side. 

If the youngest wasn't so cute, he would probably be dead now. 

"Aww, is that true? You don't have to be, baby. You have fifty points for good looks, fifty for being a great dancer, fifty for that weird mind of yours, twenty for being cute when jealous and a hundred for being the bestest boyfriend one could wish for."

Seungmin mumbles that  _ bestest  _ isn't a word while Hyunjin makes a gagging noise in the background. Felix can only agree. He's happy that his friends are finally together but since then, they have been so sappy that it's even too much for someone like Felix. And his favorite genre is romance, mind you. 

When Minho grabs Jisung's waist to pull him into a kiss, Felix respectfully turns away. That's when he sees Changbin coming their way and it washes all his worries away in an instant. 

"Hyung!", Felix exclaims and runs forward, right into Chanbin's arms. 

The older noticeably stiffens but doesn't pull away. They have only hugged like this one time and that was when Felix was over at Changbin's. Now they are in public, so Felix keeps it short because he knows how paranoid the older is. But he craves his touch right now after not even expecting him to come anymore. 

His friends and Changbin exchange some more, some less awkward greetings before they cross the street to walk further into the city center. Felix's hand itches to take the older's, but he stops himself. He has broken too many boundaries already for this get-together. 

"How was your exam?", Felix asks to break the silence between them. 

At the head of their group, Hyunjin and Jisung are joking around with each other while the others seem to be lost in their own conversation about exams. 

"I think it was okay, I'm only unsure about one task. How was yours?"

Felix tells him about his difficulties to even understand what the tasks required but that he still did his best and is relieved to be done now. 

"You're right", Changbin agrees. "I am so looking forward to the week off."

"Do you have plans?"

Changbin shakes his head. 

"There's a big party on Saturday before school starts again. Maybe we could all go?", Chan suddenly pipes into their conversation. 

Felix has been to one or two parties in his hometown but has never been all too fond of them. They are loud and stinky and just an excuse for teenagers to do stupid things they will regret once they sober up. But going to a party with his friends  _ and  _ with Changbin, that's something different. He loves to dance after all and dancing with Changbin…

"My friends already invited me there", Changbin says with a small voice, as if he doesn't want to talk about it. 

And of course, what did his head think again? As if Changbin would ever dance with him in public. Felix tries not to show how disappointed he suddenly feels but he's sure his friends can tell. And maybe Changbin can too. 

"Well, then we'll at least see each other in passing, right?", Chan tries to lighten the mood but it's needless to say that the conversation dies down afterwards. 

Luckily, they arrive at the arcade only a few minutes later.

"Ohh, let's play the dance battle game!", Hyunjin exclaims immediately and pulls Minho and Felix with him.

Felix sends Changbin an apologetic smile and for a second he thinks the older looks a little lost but then he smiles back. 

After three rounds of dancing, Felix leaves the two trying to break the current high score to look for the others. Or rather for Changbin. 

He finds him together with Chan and Jisung at a racing game and takes a seat on a stool next to it. They are too focused to notice him but Felix is content with just watching. And listening. Because while driving, they are talking too, discussing some kind of producing stuff Felix doesn't quite understand but he smiles nevertheless. He has expected his friends to be nice towards Changbin but not to include him in their little group so quickly. It makes him feel all warm and when the race ends - with Jisung winning and screaming so loudly that everyone and their mother knows about it - Felix is still staring, caught in his emotions. 

"Oh, have you been here for long?", Changbin's voice pulls him out of it. 

He shakes his head. "Only long enough to see that you're making friends", the pink-haired boy answers with a smile. 

Changbin shyly averts his eyes to the ground. "They are very nice. I'm glad I joined you. Thanks."

"Told you", Felix giggles and follows the others to the next machine. 

After playing game after game, sometimes in smaller groups, sometimes all eight of them together, Felix pulls Changbin away from the others for some privacy. 

He has no actual target in mind so they just stroll around the big hall, hand in hand. It feels freeing because nobody here knows them and he can sense how Changbin is a lot more relaxed than a few hours ago. 

"You can get me one of those plushies, like they do in the movies", Felix proposes, pointing towards a claw crane. 

Changbin scoffs. "Isn't it more fun to get it yourself?"

Felix rolls his eyes at him jokingly. "So romantic."

"You want romantic?", Changbin asks with a smirk and pulls him towards the entrance. 

"Where are we going?", Felix questions perplexed but doesn't get an answer. 

It's already dark when they step outside and Felix can see the stars above where the sky isn't covered by clouds. 

Changbin doesn't stop though and drags him into the next alley to press him against a building's wall. Felix should be concerned about the proximity but all he can do is let out a breathy laugh. 

"That's your definition of romantic? A dingy alley?"

The older pouts at him. "Isn't that what they do in the movies? And look, you can see the stars. That's got to count for something, right?"

Felix nods, still smiling. This backstreet really doesn't look inviting as it almost seems to disappear in the darkness. The wall of the building that's pressed against his back is hard and cold. He can hear the sounds of laughter and music coming from one of the clubs nearby. The stars are beautiful but he has imagined being under them in a different scenario. So no, Felix objectively doesn't think this is particularly romantic. But the sole fact that Changbin is with him makes it perfect. 

The older gets closer to him until their bodies nearly touch and  _ now _ Felix is concerned about their proximity. He shivers as he's waiting for what is to come and he doesn't know if it's caused by the cool night air or by the boy in front of him. 

Changbin touches the younger's face with his hand, brushes a strand of hair behind his ear and then cups his cheek.

"I think it's time for my prize", Changbin whispers. 

He's so close that Felix can feel his warm breath grazing his skin. The freckled boy shivers again and at least by now, Felix knows that his body is reacting to Changbin and nothing else. 

Felix has imagined this moment embarrassingly often after their almost-kiss on Changbin's sofa. He imagined what he would do and how it would feel. He craved to know how it would actually be. So he only nods to give Changbin the confirmation he needs. 

A second later, he feels something soft against his lips. It's chaste, barely even a kiss, as if the older is testing the waters. But it's just right and when Changbin leans back a little, Felix smiles at him and burrows his fingers into Changbin's dark hair. He doesn't really know what he's doing when he pulls the older closer again but his lips seem to have their own will. They press against the older's before slightly parting. Luckily, Changbin takes it from there and deepens the kiss.

Felix still feels the bricks in his back and hears the faint beat in the distance but it all fades to the back of his mind. He focuses on the taste of Changbin's carefully moving lips instead, on the hand that's holding his face, on the warmth spreading inside his chest. 

When they part, he is so out of breath that he's almost embarrassed again. But when Changbin looks at him with those deep dark eyes that hold something like actual affection in them, he can't find it in himself to care. 

"Are you satisfied with your prize?", Felix finds himself asking, still trying to get his heart to a normal speed level. 

"Very", Changbin breathes out and places another peck onto the corner of his mouth.

After a while of just holding each other close, they reluctantly decide to go back before the others start to worry about them - or worse, to look for them. His friends call it a day soon after and part to go home but not after bidding each other goodbye and telling Changbin how much they enjoyed his company. The older returns those words with a bashful smile on his face. 

Felix and Changbin walk to their bus stop together hand in hand and the younger ignores the voice in his head telling him it's only because it is already dark outside. He won't let his mind ruin the evening for him. 

They are almost the only ones on the bus, only another guy is sleeping in the back, and so Changbin pulls him even closer than he usually does so that Felix is fully in his embrace. And Felix basks in that moment that sadly doesn't last all too long. But they part with the promise to talk on the phone soon and when Changbin gives him a goodbye kiss before Felix gets up at his stop, nothing can stop the smile on his face anymore. 

When he crashes into bed, his lips still tingle and he touches them absentmindedly, not quite believing that happened. But it did and so Felix falls asleep quickly, dreaming about a kiss in a dark alley that is way better than in the movies. Because it is real. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They kissed. Wait, lemme repeat that. THEY KISSED DJSKKSKS
> 
> Okay I'm good, sorry ^^ I hoped you liked this chapter and that they are getting closer <3
> 
> Also, what's your opinion on a dingy-alley-kiss? Is Binnie romantic or not? 👀


	14. Chapter 14

"How was it yesterday?", Felix's dad asks at dinner. 

He had to fill in for someone this Saturday so Felix hasn't seen his father all day. Now the three of them are sitting around the wooden table and are eating the jjajangmyeon Felix has cooked for them.

"Good", Felix says and takes another bite before his mind can blurt out something stupid. Like that Changbin kissed him and now he can't think about anything else. It's not a lie but his parents don't have to know about that. 

"So, did your Changbin actually join?", his mother asks. 

Felix splutters. "He's not  _ my Changbin _ . And yes, he did."

His cheeks are getting increasingly more pink and his mother wiggles her eyebrows at him. 

"I see", she sing-songs and Felix almost believes she actually knows what happened through some sort of motherly instinct. 

"It tastes great by the way, honey", his mom changes the topic when noticing her son's discomfort. "Good job."

At that moment, the doorbell goes off. 

"Who can that be so late?", his father asks. 

"Maybe a neighbor?", Felix considers and gets up to walk to the door. 

When he opens it, he is shocked. Not even because he didn't expect Changbin to stand in front of him but because of how he looks. 

"What happened?", Felix breathes out as he reaches for the bloody cut on Changbin's cheek.

The older flinches away and Felix curses himself for being so stupid. When Changbin doesn't say anything, Felix pulls him inside and through the living room. His parents stare at the two wide-eyed when the freckled boy guides them into the bathroom.

"Oh my, are you okay?", his mother yelps and rushes after them.

Changbin seems to shrink under the added attention, so Felix sends her away again, assuring her that he got this. He closes the door when she's gone and opens one of the drawers in which they store plasters, wound disinfectant and gauze bandages. In silence, Felix wets a washcloth and wipes the blood away. Changbin winces, even more when Felix dabs the disinfectant on the cut.

Now that it's cleaned, it doesn't look that scary anymore as the cut isn't deep. Felix puts a cute yellow plaster on it because more isn't needed. But Changbin looks so fragile at that moment, how he's hunched over as he sits on the toilet seat, how his eyes are cast down, how his hands slightly tremble in his lap.

Felix is still kneeling in front of the older but he doesn't know what to say, not wanting to make anything worse. So he just wraps his arms around Changbin's waist and leans his head against the older's belly. 

Changbin gasps but relaxes into the touch and returns the embrace. 

"It was my father", Changbin says after a few minutes they spend silently clinging onto each other.

Felix stiffens but he doesn't dare to interrupt the older. Instead, he swallows down his questions and waits, caressing the boy's back soothingly. 

"He never hurt me before, physically I mean", Changbin mumbles and takes another deep breath. 

"My mom visited today and on days like these, it's always worse. But when he almost finished two bottles of wine in only an hour, I was getting worried. So I hid his alcohol supply in my room and tried to take the bottle he was drinking away from him and get him to bed- But he yelled and threw the bottle at me."

Felix's eyes go round and he leans back to look at Changbin's face. Tears are rolling over it now and Felix carefully wipes them away with his thumbs. 

"He threw it at you?", Felix repeats dumbly. 

"He tried but it crashed against the wall. This was only a shard, I'm okay", he laughs humorlessly as he points at the plaster on his face. "But just the fact that he wanted to throw it at me-"

The boy is interrupted by his own hiccuping and Felix goes back to his former position, holding the older close. 

"He passed out afterwards and I just ran out the door because I was so scared. Felix, I'm a terrible son", he sobs. "What if he wakes up and finds the other bottles and drinks even more? What if he stumbles outside and is hit by a car? What if he doesn't wake up because it's serious this time? I just left him lying there and ran. I'm so stupid, I have to go back immediately. I have to-"

"Changbin", Felix says with a steady voice. 

He's not sure how he manages to do it but right now he just feels the responsibility to be strong for Changbin.

He gently cups the older's face and stares into his eyes. 

"Your reaction was totally reasonable and you did nothing wrong, okay? You have to calm down now."

"How can I calm down when he could be in danger?", Changbin sniffles. 

"I promise we'll look after him once you're calmer. For now breathe with me, alright?"

Changbin doesn't answer but he closes his eyes and follows Felix's instructions nonetheless. His breaths are short and hasty at first but they become deeper over time, matching Felix's, and the younger feels Changbin relax under his fingers. 

When the dark-haired boy opens his eyes again, they still carry all the hurt and confusion in them but they seem clearer, more focused.

"Okay, let's go", Changbin says, sounding more collected now. 

Felix takes his hand again and walks into the living room where his parents are waiting for them, clearly worried. 

"Can you drive us to check on Changbin's dad?", Felix asks.

They both stand up and get dressed immediately without any further questions. At this moment, Felix thinks he loves them even more than he already does. 

The car ride is quiet after Changbin fills Felix's parents in on what happened. He does it low and curtly and Felix can tell how much strength it costs him to go over it another time, but he doesn't cry again. 

They get out of the car and Changbin opens the front door first, then the apartment door on the third floor. Changbin's hand finds the light switch automatically and he inhales sharply when he sees his father lying on the floor next to the couch. Felix looks at the disarray in the flat and winces when he sees the big red spot on the wall and the shards of glass underneath on the floor. 

Changbin scrambles towards his dad and feels for his pulse. When he lets out a relieved breath, Felix interprets it as a good sign. 

"We should take him to the hospital", Felix's father states and helps Changbin to pick up and carry the man outside. The boy picks up his father's wallet on the way out 

It is weird to have an unconscious man between them on the way back but Felix won't complain. He just hopes that everything will be okay. 

"You boys should head inside", his mother in the driving seat says.

"But-", Changbin wants to protest but is cut off by Felix's mom. 

"Changbin sweetie, I think it would be better for you to rest after that shock. We'll manage to get him to the hospital", she says and sends him a sympathetic look through the rearview mirror. 

Changbin sighs and hands his father's wallet to her. "Alright. Thank you."

The two boys get out of the car and watch how Felix's dad takes their place in the backseat to look after Changbin's father. Then the car drives off and Felix pulls Changbin towards the house. 

The warmth that engulfs them the moment they step inside instantly makes Felix feel safer after being out in the autumn breeze at night and after handling such a situation. 

While Felix shrugs off his coat and hangs it on a hook in the hallway, Changbin is frozen in place. It pains Felix to see him like that and he feels so helpless but he won't allow himself to show it to the other. 

"Can I?", Felix asks as he steps closer and points towards Changbin's jacket. 

The older blinks at him, then he nods and so Felix peels the cloth off his arms and hangs it up too. Changbin slides his shoes off on his own and lets himself be led further inside. 

"Have you eaten yet?", Felix asks. 

When Changbin shakes his head, the younger quickly goes into the kitchen to reheat the meal he cooked this evening. 

"You don't have to do this", a voice behind him mutters. "I don't think I can eat anything right now."

Felix turns his head to give Changbin a worried look.

"Just try to take a few bites, okay?", he answers and continues stirring the food. 

When he considers it warm enough, Felix turns off the stove, fills a plate and puts it in front of Changbin. The older looks at it as if it was the reason for all his misery. 

Felix sighs. "Please try. I cooked it all by myself."

That makes Changbin finally look at him and he carefully takes a bite. To Felix's content, the older ends up eating half the plate before pushing it away and he even compliments his cooking. 

Satisfied because he at least saved the boy from starving himself, Felix leads them upstairs to his room. 

It has changed a lot since his first days here. The mattress is on a frame, the big wardrobe is built and filled and a few postcards and pictures as well as fairy lights are decorating the walls.

"What do you usually sleep in?", Felix asks as he walks over to his wardrobe to find Changbin something to wear for the night. 

"Boxers?", the boy answers tentatively from where he took a seat on Felix's bed, successfully making the younger blush. 

"But if you have another pair of those cute duck pyjamas I'm all in", he chuckles. 

Felix whips his head around at that and smiles. Not because of the pyjamas but because Changbin is showing a hint of his usual self again. 

"Lucky you, I have a matching one with bunnies", Felix says and pulls said pyjamas out of the drawer. 

Changbin laughs again. Then he makes grabby hands at Felix and pulls him into a hug. 

"Thank you", he breathes out, his voice slightly shaky. 

"Of course", Felix answers and takes the older's face in his hands. "I'm always here for you, okay?"

Felix softly pecks the boy's lips. They are chapped this time but Felix doesn't care.

"I can leave the room so that we can get changed", Felix suggests but Changbin shakes his head. 

"Please don't go. I'll just turn around."

And so they both turn around while putting the nightwear on.

"I'm done", Felix announces after some time. 

"Me too, come here", Changbin replies and so Felix joins him in bed. 

Felix's bed is queen-sized, broad enough to fit them both without touching. But without saying anything, they both inch closer until they are tangled together, both finding comfort in the other's touch.

"I hope he'll be alright", Changbin murmurs. 

Not only the words but also the way he says them shows how much he cares about his father. He must be a good man when having control over his senses, just like he was friendly when Felix met him for the first time. 

"I hope both of you will be alright", Felix murmurs back and cards his fingers through the older's hair. 

Changbin lets go of a long breath and slowly melts against Felix. He feels warm and comfortable, making the pink-haired boy sigh contently.

After what happened, it takes a long time for both of them to fall asleep. Slowly but surely, however, they are lulled into a deep slumber by the steady rhythm of each other's heartbeats. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Helloo~
> 
> I hope you had a nice Christmas in case you celebrate or that you could just enjoy some days off! I hope everyone is feeling well and stays healthy ❤
> 
> See you in the next chapter <3


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let's start the new year with some fluff, shall we? ❤

_ Jingle bells, jingle bells _

_ Jingle all the way, _

_ Oh what fun it is to ride _

_ In a one-horse open sleigh, O _

Changbin slowly blinks his eyes open in confusion. 

_ Jingle bells, jingle bells _

_ Jingle all the way, _

_ Oh what fun it is to ride _

_ In a one-horse open sleigh _

There's a groan coming from somewhere close to him when the tune starts over. 

Changbin still isn't sure if he is awake. He doesn't recognize the room he's in and why the heck is a Christmas song playing? So yes, it must be a dream. Changbin already closes his eyes again when the music suddenly stops and something flops against him. 

He blinks again and when pink strands of hair come into his blurry vision, an involuntary smile spreads on his face. 

"I'm sorry", the angel next to him mumbles. "Just go back to sleep."

But Changbin suddenly feels more awake and pulls the boy closer. But now that he's more awake, all the memories of the previous day come crashing back. His father drinking and yelling and throwing a bottle. Himself trembling in fear and running and crying. Felix talking in that soothing, deep voice and helping him and falling asleep in his arms. 

At least the last ones he never wants to forget. 

He presses a kiss against the boy's temple. A silent sign of gratitude, even if the younger doesn't know about it.

Changbin starts counting the freckles on Felix's cheeks that he has admired so many times before but he has never been this close for so long. When he starts losing count, he stops and places soft kisses over them instead. 

Felix's face splits with a grin. "Binnie, I wanted to sleep some more", he complains but doesn't sound unhappy about it at all. 

So Changbin continues littering the boy's face with pecks until said boy captures his lips with his own. The kiss is lazy as both of them just woke up, but there's something weirdly intimate about it that Changbin finds his whole body on fire. 

"What are you doing to me?", he mumbles against those soft, plump lips before closing the gap again. 

After lying in bed for twenty more minutes, just holding each other close and playing with each other's hair and fingers, Changbin opens his mouth to ask what has been bothering him since he woke up. 

"Did I imagine  _ Jingle Bells  _ playing this morning or was it actually there?"

He feels Felix's body shake from laughter next to him. 

"It was my alarm. I forgot to turn it off, sorry."

"It's fine", Changbin answers dismissively. "But why that song?"

"That was my Australian friends' doing. It was a game between us and I never changed it after coming here."

"You should, it's awful", Changbin says, making Felix laugh again. 

"You should have seen my face when I woke up to a heavy metal band screaming at me one morning.  _ Jingle Bells  _ is a blessing compared to that", Felix chuckles. 

"If you sent me your music, I could put one of the songs as my alarm tone", the pink-haired boy then adds, sounding shy. 

It does something to Changbin's heart. That the boy in his arms likes him enough to ask for his music. Or that he actually likes his music enough to ask for it. 

"You want to wake up to that?", Changbin questions and the boy nods against his chest. 

"But not only that. I want to listen to your voice all the time."

Changbin scoffs. "You are so cheesy."

"You like it."

"I do."

Felix grins and fiddles with his phone on the nightstand until he finally gets a grip of it and checks the time. 

Changbin gasps. "Is that me?"

The younger quickly presses the phone against his chest. 

"No", he replies with red cheeks. 

"Sure", Changbin teases and snatches the phone away. 

Felix squeaks and tries to get it back, but Changbin has already lit the phone screen and meets his own eyes in the picture he sent Felix one night. The younger's reaction is just as cute as the fact that he set Changbin as his wallpaper. 

"If I knew you would use it like this, I would have taken a better photo", Changbin jokes when he hands the phone back. 

"We can take one now", Felix proposes and sits up. 

They take a ton of cute selfies together because Felix has so much fun doing it and Changbin is weak for that bright eye smile. And he has to admit that they look pretty cute together, not only because of their matching blue and pink pyjamas. Felix chooses one in which he smiles brightly for the camera and Changbin glances at him in adoration while throwing a peace sign as his new wallpaper. Changbin is glad that he doesn't ask him to use a matching phone background. Not that he isn't fond of the idea or the photos, but if his friends saw that… Changbin shakes his head. Not these thoughts again. Not today. 

After that, they decide to head downstairs. On the dinner table, Felix finds a note and reads it to him. 

"Everything went well yesterday and Chanbin's father isn't in danger. They'll keep him in the hospital until he is fully sobered and we will get a call when we can take him home. We are visiting friends right now but if you need us, just call. Love, mom and dad." The boy puts the letter down. "That's good news", he adds relieved. 

Changbin nods his head. It is good news and he feels how a blanket of calm lays itself over him. Felix is an amazing distraction from all the trouble in his head but the worry for his father still lingered in the background the entire time. Now he feels it slowly dissolve. He still feels the need to immediately go to the hospital to look after him, but it would probably not make anything better. And Changbin thinks he has deserved a nice day together with Felix after yesterday. Though he doesn't know if he should offer to leave now to not overstay his welcome. There's no actual reason for him to stay any longer after all. 

But Felix doesn't even seem to consider him leaving. He just drags him into the kitchen and starts to look into several drawers. 

"What are you doing?", Changbin inquires with a raised brow. 

"I want to bake something for breakfast!", Felix exclaims and Changbin chuckles at the adorable smile on the younger's face. 

"What about brownies? Do you like them, Hyung?"

"I do", Changbin agrees. 

Felix claps his hands excitedly just when his stomach starts to grumble. The smile on his face drops. 

"Hyuung!", he whines. "I'm hungry now but it will probably be an hour until we can eat the brownies. What should we do?"

Changbin laughs again. He hasn't laughed this much in a long time. But the pout on Felix's lips is just too much to handle. 

"You're so dramatic", Changbin rolls his eyes. "Let's just eat some cereals first."

That has Felix clapping his hands again. "That's so smart, let's do it!", he exclaims and presses a kiss onto the older's forehead, right over his band-aid. 

Changbin was about to let out another laugh but the kiss shut him up. It's not like they haven't kissed before, but Felix has never kissed him on the forehead and the fact that he is placing the kiss over his cut… There's something so affectionate about it that it scares Changbin. It scares him how easy it is and how much they already behave like a couple when they really aren't. But he shakes those thoughts off. He wants to have one nice day with Felix. Only one.

It is a selfish wish. But Felix smiles so brightly while spooning his fruit loops that it's easy for Changbin to push the guilt away and to convince himself that it's fine because Felix is having fun as well. 

After eating up, Changbin offers to take their bowls to the dishwasher while Felix rummages around for the ingredients. 

"Can you even bake, Binnie?", Felix asks as he stands on the chair he has fetched from the living room to look through a top drawer. 

"I never tried", Changbin admits, earning himself a gasp from the younger. 

Or maybe he wasn't the reason for that after all, as Felix seems to lose his balance on the chair, flailing about with his arms in the air. Changbin quickly rushes over, stabilizing the boy at his waist and helping him down safely. 

Felix gives him a sheepish smile before letting himself fall into the older's arms. 

"Thanks for saving me", Felix mumbles into Changbin's clothes. "And I'm glad you have your first time with me."

That makes Changbin gasp and Felix only then seems to realize his words. 

"Baking! I meant the first time baking!", Felix clears up, blushing furiously. "God, Hyung, where are your thoughts?", Felix scolds him then and laughs to cover up his flustered state. 

Honestly, he hasn't even thought about it before. It's the only thing he usually does. Casual stuff, making out at parties and going home with them if he feels like it. But if he sees them again in the school hallways, he tries to ignore them as best as he can in order to not give them false hopes. Because he's never interested in more. Until now. God, this boy with his fluffy pink hair and that smile that competes with the sun has flipped his world upside down by appearing out of nowhere. 

When Changbin snaps out of his thoughts, Felix has already moved over to preheat the oven. He also puts his phone on the counter on which he has the recipe open. 

"So, will you weigh the flour while I chop up the chocolate bar?"

Changbin nods. Weighing can't be that difficult. He regrets not having a father who can cook and bake well. Changbin knows he always tries his best nowadays but he's still no hero in the kitchen. And he hasn't had enough time to learn from his mother. 

He takes the big bowl Felix hands him and puts it on the scale. Then he slowly taps on the flour package. 4 g it says. He taps some more. 7 g. Changbin groans, this method takes too long. So he gives it a harsher pat, loses the grip while doing so and the whole bag drops into the bowl. The thud makes Felix look up from his cutting board, just in time to see how some powder floats upwards and covers the older's face in a thin, white layer. 

From the corner of his eye, Changbin sees the younger double over in laughter while he himself is still trying to grasp the fact that he managed to fail at such a simple task. 

"Noo, don't pout, it's fine", Felix coos as he walks over.

He reaches out and swipes over Changbin's lips with his thumb. He pecks them before cleaning the entire face with a towel. 

"Thank you", Changbin mumbles. 

"You're welcome, baby", Felix winks and goes back to cut the chocolate into small chips. 

"Just put the excess flour back with a spoon. Then you can measure butter and sugar. I'll do the rest."

There luckily aren't any more adverse incidents and soon Felix is blending everything together with a mixer, something that doesn't even exist in their kitchen. 

Changbin doesn't know if it's his lack of baking experience, his obvious crush on the boy or simply the truth - but Felix looks like a pro as he pours the gooey dough into a flat cake tin and he looks very handsome at that. 

That's why it's really not Changbin's fault when he steps closer and envelopes the younger in a back hug. Felix continues as if nothing happened but Changbin can see him smile even from this angle. 

"Why are you so damn perfect?", Changbin whispers next to his ear and begins to place soft kisses underneath it, trailing over his neck until he's holding a shivering mess in his arms. 

"Why are you so damn distracting?", Felix bites back but it sounds weak as he's still shuddering from the older's touch. 

They part when Felix puts the brownies into the oven and sets a timer on his phone. Changbin takes a seat on the chair the younger has used as a ladder before. 

"And now we wait", he states and leans against the closed oven door. 

But he doesn't stay there for long and walks over to Changbin, sitting down on his lap, facing the older. 

Felix is extra touchy today, just as Changbin himself. It still scares the shit out of him but if he forgets about everything that could go wrong, he finds himself not minding it at all. Because Felix's touches are the most addictive thing he has ever experienced. Because Felix is the most addictive to him. 

So he lets his hands travel over the younger's back and relishes how he sighs into his ear and melts against him. It's almost embarrassing how they just sit and cuddle until the alarm goes off, making Felix jump off in shock. When they realize it's only the younger's phone, they both laugh together. 

Felix takes out the tin because he doesn't deem it safe to give the task to Changbin and the older agrees. The smell is absolutely amazing, making his mouth water. He watches how the younger cuts the cake into small brownies and puts two of them on a plate. He comes back with said plate and sits down on Changbin again, only because there is no other chair in the kitchen of course. 

"I like them best when they come right out of the oven. But be careful, it's still hot", Felix warns as he holds a brownie in front of the older's mouth. 

Changbin leans in to take a bite and find out that the younger is very right. It tastes amazing with the moist cake, the melted chocolate inside and the chocolate chips on top. Along with that, there's the faint taste of vanilla that rounds everything off.

"Wow Lix, this is so good! Have a taste", Changbin exclaims happily and reaches up with the other brownie in his hand. 

Instead of taking a bite, however, Felix leans in for a kiss. Changbin's breath hitches as he has been taken off-guard.

"What are you doing?", he mumbles against the younger's lips. 

"Having a taste", Felix whispers back teasingly. 

Changbin almost groans. When did Felix get so confident? If he continues like this, he's going to be the death of him. And Changbin won't even complain because confident Felix is fucking hot. 

When both of them start feeling a little queasy after eating too much cake and exchanging more chocolaty kisses, they clean up the kitchen and move back to Felix's room. 

They scroll through Netflix and start a new series. Changbin has honestly already forgotten the name again and most of the scenes too because he is enjoying the warmth he feels at being huddled into Felix's side so much that he can barely focus on anything but this happy feeling. They only go down once to eat lunch together with Felix's parents that were back from visiting friends. Then they go back up, listen to music together as they always do on their bus rides, Felix even reads a few chapters of a new book to him and then they watch another episode of the series. 

After hours, a knock pulls them out of their cloud. When Felix stops the episode and tells the person on the other side to come in, Changbin is surprised for a second because they are still very clearly cuddling. But Felix's mother only gives them a warm smile and suddenly Changbin doesn't care as much anymore that she sees how he's clinging onto Felix as if his life depends on it. 

"Changbin sweetie, the hospital called and we are bringing your dad home now. Do you want to come or stay here a little longer?"

That makes Changbin sit up properly. He hasn't thought about his father much the whole day thanks to the very sweet, very distracting boy next to him. But it's already getting late now and as the day ends, Changbin is confronted with his responsibilities again. 

"I'm coming", Changbin says and gets up from the bed. Felix's mother nods and closes the door behind her. 

"You can also stay here if you don't want to see him yet", Felix offers with a worried look on his face. He must have noticed the shift in Changbin's mood. 

"Thanks, Lix. But I have to see him and besides, we have school tomorrow", Changbin says. "See you on the bus?"

Felix scoffs. "No way, you're not getting rid of me so fast. I'm coming with you, of course."

Changbin smiles. "You are the best", he says and takes the younger's hand as he is about to open the door. 

He stops when he hears a chuckle coming from behind. 

"What?", he asks with furrowed brows. 

"We are still wearing pyjamas, Hyung", the younger giggles.

Changbin looks down at himself like an idiot and is met with pink fabric and cute bunnies. He laughs too and takes his clothes that Felix hands him. 

When they are changed, they join Felix's parents in the car. Changbin feels nervous to meet his father again. Will he be angry that Changbin left him? He won't even remember but the boy still feels guilty. 

As if Felix is able to hear his self-destructive thoughts, he takes his hand and squeezes it. Then he apparently thinks it isn't enough because he unbuckles his seat belt and slides over to Changbin. He quickly buckles the belt in the middle again to make the beeping of the car stop and rest his head on Changbin's shoulder. The older feels like he can breathe again and pulls the younger even closer. 

He doesn't deserve him. Not at all. But he is so grateful that he always knows how to make him feel better. That he is always just  _ there _ . Because he has never had a person like that, that was just there. There for him. 

"Thank you", Changbin mumbles so quietly that maybe not even Felix who is so close to him can hear it in the noisy car.

But Felix smiles and squeezes his hand, lifts it up and places a kiss onto it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yaay a whole fluffy chapter, can you believe? ^^ I hope you enjoyed it~
> 
> How was/is your first day of the year? Last year was difficult for a lot of people and I really hope this one will be a better one for all of us. I wish you all the best, to stay healthy and be happy ❤


	16. Chapter 16

The last week before autumn break is absolutely all for nothing if you ask Felix. They don't have any exams and not even the teachers seem to be in the mood to pretend that this week is actually used for anything related to education. With the explanation that after the holidays they won't remember any new subject matter they learn now anyway, most teachers just put on a movie slightly related to their subject and deem their job done. 

The students all love this of course and it's really not like Felix wants to study either, especially not after those two horrible weeks. But this just feels like a waste of time. 

The only thing keeping him motivated to go to school is the fact that he sees his friends and Changbin. Even if it's only on the bus rides in the morning because the older seems to have reserved all the afternoons of weekdays for his friends. But at least they keep up their evening calls, talking about what they would do together when they finally get a week off. 

Felix waves Jisung goodbye who has already finished his last class for the day. God, how much he'd love to be in his place right now. But he is not and so he keeps walking through the hallway. That is until someone grabs his wrist from behind.

Felix feels his pulse quicken and already wants to call out for help because this time there are enough students around to hear him. But then he sees a familiar face smirking at him and he lets himself be pulled further. 

When Changbin drags him into the boy's restroom and checks if any of the stalls are occupied, Felix scoffs. 

"You're getting more romantic by the day, Hyung", he jibes. 

When the older comes closer, his eyes look even darker than usual. Maybe it's the artificial light in the tiled room or maybe it's something different. Either way, Felix swallows harshly when Changbin is so close that he could touch him easily. 

"Are you sure this isn't one of your highschool fantasies?", the older teases.

The next moment, Felix is pushed against the wall beside the sinks and feels the older's lips on his own. It feels like something exploding inside of him because it was so sudden and he has craved this since they parted on Sunday. His body runs hot as he circles the older's neck and deepens the kiss. He didn't know he wanted this, something so needy and demanding, but now that he has it, he doesn't want it to stop. Ever. 

"You look so beautiful today", Changbin whispers as he breaks their kiss to let his lips travel over Felix's chin, then his neck. 

Felix instinctively tilts his head back and gasps. 

"You always look so beautiful. You  _ are  _ beautiful", the older continues.

Being complimented like that by the boy he likes feels like being lulled into a peaceful sleep. And while he enjoys it, everything about this, he is afraid of losing control. They are still in school after all and anyone could walk in on them. 

"Changbin, what's the matter?", Felix asks breathlessly. 

If Changbin doesn't stop sucking on that spot on his neck, Felix will surely walk out of the bathroom with a hickey.

"Nothing's the matter. Can't I call you beautiful?", he mutters against his skin, sending more shivers over his body. 

"That's not it. Why are we here? You're always so keen on keeping this from everyone. Why are you risking it now?"

That makes Changbin pull away and stare right at Felix. 

"Because I missed you", he says and pecks Felix's lips. "Because I need you."

This time, Felix crashes their lips together. 

In a sober state, sober from hormones, Felix would not like that answer. He does not want Changbin to need him, to be dependent on him. He wants Changbin to love him for who he is, not to need him because he misses something in his life. But as Felix is drunk on love and maybe because he is an idiot, he feels the same. He missed Changbin and he definitely needs him. Needs him more than anyone in this world even if they have only known each other for just under two months. He tries to show him exactly how much he needs the older too with how passionately he kisses back, opens his mouth to let the older in, circles his waist to pull him closer. 

They are still in a stinky, cold boy's restroom. It's not comfortable, it's not pleasant, they could be caught in the middle of their make-out session. But Felix loves this. And maybe it's not because he loves this restroom, but the boy that's in it with him. 

At that realization, Felix harshly shoves Changbin off, earning himself a noise of confusion. 

He breathes heavily, they both do, and Felix has to hold onto a sink to steady himself. 

Why did it have to be a public bathroom where he falls in love with the boy? Why does it have to be right in front of him and why in such a vulnerable condition?

Maybe he isn't in love, he tries to convince himself. He has never really been, so how would he know? But why does it feel like it then? The butterflies and the fire have been there for a while now but he also feels just so close to him, protected and warm.

Maybe he has been in love all along. Maybe it was when Changbin dropped all the flour into the bowl and covered himself with it. Maybe it was when he woke up next to Changbin with a small smile on his face. Maybe it has even started when the boy showed him his music for the first time. Felix doesn't know and in the end, it's not even important. What's important is that he  _ does  _ love the boy who is still watching him confused, a little hurt. Because that should not have happened, not so soon. 

He always thought that if Changbin backed out, he would be sad but would manage because he has dealt with that before. Losing a crush that is. But losing someone he actually loves… that's a whole other thing and exactly the reason why he is panicking in a public restroom right now after making out with the boy he loves. 

"Lix, what is it?", Changbin asks for what is probably the third time. His eyes show his worry clearly. 

"I'm an idiot", Felix mumbles. 

"I don't understand…", Changbin says and carefully steps closer, as if he doesn't want to scare Felix away. 

"Will you leave me?", Felix asks. 

"What?", Changbin sounds taken aback. "I'm not leaving, what are you saying?"

At that moment, the door opens and a first-year student walks in. He gives them a sceptical look and shrinks a little when he recognizes Changbin but he proceeds to go into one of the stalls. 

Felix sighs. "Let's talk after school. Can you come over?"

Changbin shakes his head. "You know how I don't really have time during the week…"

Right, because he meets up with his friends.

"Can you make an exception? For me?", Felix tries but he already sees the answer in Changbin's body language.

He sighs again. "Fine. Let's meet up on Friday then. We need to talk."

That's all he says before turning around and walking out the door. Changbin doesn't go after him, probably because they shouldn't be seen walking out of the bathroom together looking like they just sucked face. Even if that's exactly what they did. 

.

The rest of the week passes by in a similar manner. Boring classes with little to no actual teaching, being stopped in the hallway and pushed against a secluded wall, meeting his friends and being teased for the marks on his neck.

Felix finds himself enjoying it most of the time. As much as he's afraid of being seen, he has to admit that he likes the thrill of it. They have only exchanged shy kisses and soft kisses and caring kisses before. And while they are still Felix's favorite, he can't deny how attractive the older is when he's not as careful. When he shows him just how much he actually misses him, how much he needs Felix. 

The younger still isn't fond of that idea, still afraid Changbin is only interested in him for the physical attention and emotional support that anyone else could give him too. But Felix is too far gone for the boy and although he knows exactly how dangerous this is for his heart, he still craves to be shoved against those walls because that means Changbin likes at least  _ something  _ about him, even if he doesn't like Felix. It's pathetic, really, but he can't help it.

However, on Friday he still decides that this needs to end. Because whenever he's not together with Changbin, he realizes that this isn't healthy for him at all. He even feels a little used some days when he comes home from school after more kisses on the bus because no other student from their school has to take the same one as them. But it's his own fault. He knows that Changbin would immediately stop if Felix said a word or if he showed a sign of disapproval. But Felix becomes putty in Changbin's hands. Every time. He loves his touches, his attention,  _ him _ . So it's hard for him to resist when the older is right in front of him, touching him, giving him attention, only him. 

But he has to stop it. He has had an emergency meeting with both his friends and his mom and all of them agreed with him. They have to talk about each other's feelings and if they align, finally put a label on this whole thing. It's not like Felix cares about labels per se. If Changbin said he liked him too it would be good enough for him. But because of their special situation, because they are already keeping everything secret, a little bit of commitment would be nice. It's not enough for him anymore to know that Changbin will tell his friends once they fall in love with each other. Because Felix has fallen and if Changbin doesn't tell them now, it means he isn't serious about him. Or scared of his friends. But if someone as kind as Changbin is friends with them, they must have at least a spark of goodness in them too. That means they will understand, right? Maybe not immediately but after some time. And if they don't, then they are bad friends and Changbin doesn't deserve them. Felix has tiptoed around the topic of the older's friends for weeks now, they both have. But he thinks it's time to change that today. 

When the bell goes off, Felix opens the door and loses no time in pulling the older upstairs and closing the door behind them.

"Wow, someone is eager to see me", Changbin teases with a smirk, not catching onto the serious mood yet. 

He steps closer and reaches for Felix, probably to kiss him like they have done only a few hours ago. But Felix takes a step back with crossed arms.

"That's not why I asked to meet you. Do you remember how I said we need to talk?", Felix asks. 

Changbin's hands drop as he sighs. "What is there to talk about?"

The annoyance in his voice irritates Felix and he furrows his eyebrows. 

"What is that supposed to mean? I thought we were… friends and are there for each other if someone feels the need to talk."

Changbin sighs again. "Of course, but this sounds awfully serious and I don't know if I like it… "

Felix huffs in disbelief. "It  _ is  _ serious and I frankly don't care if you like it or not. I have been considerate of you long enough."

"Oh have you now? What happened to  _ I'll give you the time you need _ ?", Changbin bites back. 

"I also said I didn't want to be in a secret relationship."

"But we aren't in a relationship!", Changbin yells back.

Felix feels pressure build behind his eyes. He didn't come here to argue. He came here to confess his love. This is definitely not going in the right direction. 

"We literally  _ are _ , Changbin. We started dating four weeks ago, we talk every day, we  _ kiss every day _ and you come to me for help when nobody else is there for you. What would you call it?"

"There are feelings involved in a relationship", the older says, making Felix gape at him. 

"You want to tell me that you don't feel anything? Not when we listen to music together or during late-night calls or while holding hands or when we sleep in one bed or when we kiss-"

"I didn't say that…", Changbin interrupts him quietly.

"You practically did!"

"It's complicated!"

"It's really not, you're just making it complicated!"

"Fine, I like you! I feel so much when I'm with you that it actually hurts sometimes. Is that what you want to hear?", Changbin suddenly shouts at him. 

Felix's heart beats heavily in his chest. Because of the adrenaline and the anger and the sudden reappearance of the butterflies that hid in their cocoons the moment the older raised his voice at him. 

"Yes", he agrees, voice quiet despite being shouted at. "But not like that."

Changbin makes a desperate sound and drops down onto Felix's bed. He holds his head in his hands and Felix can't help but feel bad for him. So he crouches down in front of the older and carefully places his hand on his knee. 

"I don't know what to do", Changbin breathes out, sounding close to tears. 

"Hyung", Felix tries with a calm tone. "I like you and if what you just said aren't only empty words, then we can work things out."

The freckled boy draws tiny circles on Changbin's thighs to ease the tension out of him. The older doesn't complain but he still hasn't looked up either. His head is hung so low that Felix can't make out his face at all. 

"You promised you would talk to your friends if things get serious. And this became very serious to me."

Changbin lets out a shaky breath and raises his head, finding Felix's eyes. Contrary to the younger's expectations, Changbin is not crying. But he still looks very conflicted. 

"It's serious to me too, Lix. Really. But it's hard. I don't know what to do."

"You have to tell them at some point", Felix whispers. "And if they really are your friends, they will not be mad. They should be happy for you and support us."

Changbin scoffs and shakes his head. "You have no idea. They aren't like that."

Even if he doesn't want it, even if he wants to remain calm, Felix can't help the anger bubbling up in the pit of his stomach again and he involuntarily retreats his hand from the other's leg. 

"You make it sound like a character trait when they really are just assholes. Do you even realize they aren't your friends?"

Changbin's head snaps up and he blinks at the pink-haired boy, certainly not having expected him to say that. "What did you just say?"

"You heard me. They are bullies and thugs and they treat everyone like shit, including you! They can't call themselves your friends if they restrict your free will, force you to punch students and not let you like who the fuck you like!"

"Felix-", Changbin warns, almost growling. 

"No, I've been ignoring this for way too long! You know I'm right, don't you? You are afraid to be seen with me, you are afraid to talk back to them, you are afraid to go to them when your father has an episode or else you wouldn't come to me. Just admit that they are not your friends and do something about it!"

Felix's breathing is even heavier now. He has not planned to say all of this, not at all. But he has bottled up all his hatred against Changbin's so-called friends for too long. He has watched the older being controlled by them for too long.

Changbin stares at Felix with something in his eyes that the younger can't really interpret. A little bit of shock, disbelief and anger. But also something like realization and sadness. 

"I told you from the beginning you wouldn't understand. I really thought that maybe, just _maybe_ , you could be different and actually understand me. But I guess I was wrong", the older says and gets up from Felix's bed. 

Suddenly the freckled boy is filled with panic, not wanting Changbin to leave like that. So he grabs the older's hand and stops him on his way to the door. 

"Changbin, you never even tried to explain. How should I understand?", Felix asks, voice as soft as possible despite yelling only a minute ago. 

But Changbin just shakes his head, then pulls his arm away harshly and is out of the door. 

Felix just stands there, frozen in his attempt to go after Changbin. When he hears the slamming of the front door, he winces and lets his tears fall.   
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry to leave you hanging like that but most of you expected that the fluff couldn't last forever ^^' But hey, Felix realized he's in love! And oh well the boy he loves just left him but hey, I can fix that... 
> 
> Anyway, I'm sorry for not updating as frequently right now. I kind of don't feel motivated and I don't want to stress myself out and ruin this hobby for me. I hope you understand ♡


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyy guys! I'm sorry for not posting in weeks, I have been a little stressed with other things. But here you have a new chapter and it's even a bit longer than usually, I hope you like it 🙈❤
> 
> Also I hope you read the tags because it gets a bit spicy here. You can just skip to the end though if you start getting uncomfortable with it <3

Fall break is finally there and Felix has been so looking forward to it. He has planned to finally read all his new books, to hang out with his friends, to go on dates with Changbin.

But he finds himself lying in bed with red eyes, drowning in tissues, having cancelled all his plans with the excuse of not feeling too well. 

And truth be told, he really doesn't feel too well. Okay, that's the understatement of the century but it's not like he lied. He just hasn't told anyone about his fight with Changbin yet. 

Maybe an hour after the older left, Felix has called him for the first time, only to be greeted by his voicemail. He then texted him what he wanted to tell him on the phone. That he was sorry it escalated like this. That he was sorry for being insensitive. That he really wanted to try to understand him because he knew it wasn't really Changbin's choice, the situation had just been forcing him to act. Or to not act. But the messages weren't even delivered.

So Felix hid in his bed, cried until there were no tears left and wallowed in self-pity. 

He really felt ridiculous. He had planted the thought into his mind that he wouldn't give more chances in order to not get hurt. That he wouldn't let himself slip into an abusive relationship because he wasn't sure if he could get out. And all the while he had totally forgotten that Changbin was probably in the same situation, only that he had spent years over years in such a friendship and could not just easily say goodbye and turn his back at them. Felix didn't know enough about these things, he had never been taught and never had he done research on his own. But he would now, he told himself. Maybe he could help Changbin, maybe he couldn't. And if he couldn't, that would probably mean whatever they had would actually end. Because as much as Felix wanted to help and be with Changbin, he could not be happy in a relationship that would stay secret forever. 

He only left his spot to go to the toilet and to eat something in order to not worry his parents. Needless to say, they were still worried as it was hard not to notice the frown on his face, the puffy eyes and the lack of talking. Both his parents tried to approach him multiple times over the last days, but Felix always put them off, saying he was feeling a little unwell. 

Just when he is checking his phone for the nth time to still see only one grey tick next to his messages, someone carefully knocks on his door. 

When he tells them to come in, his mother appears behind it. 

"I'm back home early", she says. Felix nods. 

She regards him with a concerned look and even though Felix has avoided looking into any mirrors, he can imagine how he must look like. 

His mom sighs. "Sweetheart, it has been days. Maybe it's time to talk about it?"

Felix knows she is right. They argued on Friday. Now it's Tuesday afternoon and Felix is still only lying in his room wearing his pyjamas (neither the bunny nor the duckling ones though).

"Changbin and I fought. About what we have. And he still doesn't want to tell his friends about us so I said some mean things about them. Or rather I threw it at his face."

"Oh honey", his mom sighs sympathetically and sits down on the edge of his mattress.

"I know I shouldn't have gotten angry but the thing is… I don't think it would have turned out much differently if I had stayed calm. Because Changbin really doesn't want to make it official, he made that pretty clear. And as much as I think I understand and like him, I don't think I can continue like that."

Then he scoffs. "What am I even saying? He probably doesn't want to see me after this."

His mom soothingly cards her fingers through his greasy hair.

"But you don't know that or have you asked him? If you two will just hurt each other, then it's probably better to end it. But maybe you will also find a solution. Either way, you have to talk to each other again, even if it's just to break this off for good."

"I tried", Felix answers. "But he turned off his phone."

"And?"

Felix furrows his brows. "And what? I just told you I can't get in touch with him."

His mother shakes his head and chuckles. "You and your generation. You know, when I was young, we didn't even have a telephone. If I wanted to hang out with a friend, I had to walk to their house and ask if they were free."

"You want me to visit Changbin? Without asking first?"

She flicks a finger against his forehead. "Yes, silly. Didn't Changbin do that too when you hung out for the first time?"

"But that's different", Felix argues as he rubs his forehead. "I know Changbin doesn't like to have anyone over because of his dad."

"You've been there before, you've seen his dad at his worst. I don't think you have to worry about that anymore", his mother reasons and she's probably right. 

But Felix is still reluctant to go. He can really pinpoint why but if he had to guess he would say it's because he's afraid of the older's reaction. Afraid of a final rejection. 

"It's okay to be scared", his mom says, reading his mind again with her motherly superpowers. "But we don't come far in life if we are held back by insecurities and fears."

He lets go of a shaky breath and accepts how she engulfs him in a warm hug. 

"I know you can do it. And if your relationship ends after that conversation, you can at least move on. And you have your friends, dad and me always supporting you, alright?"

Felix nods against her shoulder with a feeling of tightness in his chest. 

"I'll drive you. Meet me downstairs when you're ready", she says and pecks his forehead. 

After taking a hot shower and dressing in his grey ripped jeans and a rose-colored, oversized hoodie he still tends to wear when feeling insecure, Felix gets into his mother's car and out of it only ten minutes later. 

He walks to the entry and pushes the bell button with his trembling finger. 

"Hello?", a deep voice asks through the intercom.

"H-hello Mr. Seo, it's Felix. I- Can I come in? I need to talk to Changbin", Felix stutters out. 

He is surprised when the door buzzes only a second later and he's able to push it open. He all but runs up the stairs to the third floor and sees that the Seo's door is already open, Changbin's father standing in its frame. 

"Good evening, Felix", he greets him and motions for him to enter. He sounds sober, the boy notices. 

"Good evening, Sir. I'm sorry to bother you but it's important", Felix says as he steps into the apartment. 

"It's fine. I'm actually glad you are here. He locks himself in his room almost the entire day and doesn't talk to me at all. This has been going on since Friday", he explains, looking very concerned. 

Felix cringes. "That is my fault, I'm sorry."

"But I see it was his fault too, right?", he says and points towards Felix's still red eyes. "I hope you can make up. You are a good kid, Felix", continues and closes the door behind Felix. 

"I'm in the kitchen if you need anything. Will you stay for dinner this time?", Mr. Seo asks. 

Changbin's father really seems to be making a bigger effort for Changbin now after what happened. Felix is very glad to see that although he knows the man could have a mood swing any second. 

"I don't think he would want me to", Felix mumbles. 

He's caught off-guard a little when Changbin's father places a hand on his shoulder.

"You know, Felix, I'm very grateful to you. Not only because you and your parents helped me out a lot, even if I still can't thank you enough for that. But I have never seen Changbin this happy and… relaxed before he met you. So don't worry. Deep in his heart, he knows how much you mean to him."

It is nice to hear that his father thinks about them like that but at the same time it makes Felix wonder. Because maybe they have loved each other all along but did it really help? Was love the only thing needed in a healthy relationship? It didn't seem like that… 

Felix bites his lips. "Maybe that's not enough for us to work out."

The man gives him a compassionate look. "Maybe not, but the chances are a lot higher."

With those words, Mr. Seo leaves Felix standing in the living room and so the boy doesn't have a choice but to walk towards Changbin's room and to knock. That's exactly what he came here for but when the thuds caused by his knuckles against the door resound in the air, his heart rate picks up considerably. 

He's met with silence so he knocks again. And again. After the fourth knock, a groan can be heard, then some shuffling. 

"What is so important-" There's the sound of a key being turned in its lock. Then the door is pulled open. 

Changbin's mouth is still opened to yell at his father as he was the person the older expected. But when he sees Felix standing in front of his room, it falls shut. He opens it again but nothing comes out. 

He looks horrible. The room behind him looks horrible. Don't get him wrong, Changbin is beautiful no matter what. But he looks like he has been crying just as much as Felix and it seems like he has thrown one too many tantrums in his room. Because it's a mess. They both are a mess. 

"You", a word finally leaves Changbin's lips. 

"Me", Felix croaks out. 

Felix is a mess too. 

"Felix", he breathes out and allows a small smile on his lips that makes the younger's heart jump. 

"Changbin", Felix says dumbly. 

And just like that, he is pulled into the other's arms. 

He hears a sob and can't distinguish whether it is his own or Changbin's but it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter when he feels hot tears on his cheeks and Changbin's falling on the exposed skin of his neck. It doesn't matter that they are still standing halfway in the hallway. It all doesn't matter because they are holding onto each other and don't let go. 

After a while, Changbin  _ does  _ let go, but only to pull Felix fully into his room and close the door. Then he hugs Felix again. 

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry", Changbin repeats like a mantra. "I missed you. I like you so much. I'm sorry."

Then he pulls away and cups Felix's cheeks, making him look up at him. He wipes the tears on the younger's face away with his thumbs as if he doesn't still have them on his own face too. 

"Lix, I think I love you. God,  _ I know _ I love you. I need you."

Felix's heart hammers in his chest, the butterflies go totally nuts and more tears fall, right one Changbin's hands. 

He wanted to hear this for so long but he shakes his head. 

"Don't say that. Don't say that you need me."

"But I do. I need you so much. I've been absolutely miserable over the past days because I thought I lost you."

"Then don't say that you love me."

Changbin looks at him with frantic eyes. "Lix, I mean it! Do you know how hard it is for me to admit it? I wouldn't do it if it wasn't true."

It's now Felix who wipes the older's tears away.

"You only think that because you tell yourself that you need me", he whispers and suddenly feels like he's lecturing a child. Only that he feels like a child too. 

Felix doesn't know if the two feelings of need and love can coexist, if they  _ should  _ coexist. Maybe Changbin needs him because his only other place of stability comes from his friends that he - maybe only subconsciously - wants to distance himself from. But maybe Changbin also loves him for the same reasons Felix loves the older. Because Felix makes him feel comfortable, because he is mostly a safe place to him, because Changbin can be himself around him and because he enjoys spending time with Felix. 

Changbin stares at him with wide eyes, at a loss of words. He shakes his head. 

"Did you only come to break up with me?", he asks, swallowing down his tears.

"We aren't in a relationship, remember?", Felix chuckles bitterly but then clears his throat when he sees how sad the older looks. "I'm here to end what we have. No matter if it means we part ways or actually start a relationship. But I can't do this anymore."

Changbin takes a deep breath. "I understand that. I thought a lot about what you said and… I didn't want to admit it for a long time but I know you're right. I should talk to my friends and if they don't accept me like I am, they are not really my friends. I know that, in theory, but it doesn't make anything easier."

"It's just that…", he hiccups. "I knew that before but when you laid it on the line for me so bluntly… I don't know, it hurt. It hurt because I have known Deokhwan since we were children and it was always us two against the world. Until we met Kangdae, then it was us three against everyone else."

Felix pulls Changbin onto the bed and close to him under the covers. Then he just waits because he feels like the older is finally ready to tell him more. 

"I was angry as a child. Angry at my mother for leaving and at my father for neglecting me. And that made me a loner when I started school because everyone was scared of the kid with the face that looked way too fierce for his age. I think even my teachers were kind of scared but they never cared to contact my father", Changbin chuckles sadly. 

He is lying on his side and looks into Felix's eyes while talking. 

"One day I saw a boy of my parallel class being bullied by an older student. I stood up for him then and every time I witnessed it after that until the bullies grew tired of us. That's how I became Deokhwan's friend."

"And his personal fighter", Felix mumbles. 

"Yeah, that too", Changbin breathes out. "Look, Felix, I know this doesn't make it any better, but Deokhwan's life wasn't easy. Still isn't. And after being humiliated at home for so long, I guess he started projecting it onto others. In the beginning, I thought it was only fair. But over the years, my own anger faded because I understood the background of my parents' behavior. Admittedly, it felt good at times to let out all my frustration on others, to make them suffer just as much as we suffered. But I realized how wrong it is while Deokhwan is still walking on that path and refuses to question what he's doing."

Felix has taken the older's hand a while ago and is still caressing it with his own, both to calm himself and Changbin.

"Have you ever liked him?", Felix then asks. 

Changbin looks a little taken aback but he nods eventually. "I- yeah. For some time in middle school and the first year of high school. But I'm glad nothing ever developed from there and that I don't see him like this anymore. He's not bad at heart but he… does bad things."

Felix agrees with the latter but he doesn't comment on it. Changbin knows him better, probably knows sides of him that no one else has ever witnessed. So he won't judge. He also won't judge that Changbin developed feelings for the guy at some point. Because it looks like Deokhwan was just as much the only supportive system in Changbin's life as the other way around. 

Felix can't relate to what they both went through because he had an easy childhood and the most wonderful parents one could wish for. He grew up in a rather open-minded country, had a nice group of friends and was not bothered by anyone at school until he moved to Korea. But still, he understands. It doesn't take a genius to see that the boys have had a hard time. Felix has even seen Changbin's father in his drunk state and being confronted with that at such a young age, plus being left behind by your own mother… of course it does things to you. And even though he doesn't know exactly about Deokhwan's relationship with his family, he must have good reasons too.

"You always said I wouldn't understand", Felix mumbles and brushes a loose strand of hair out of Changbin's face. "I was lucky to grow up a lot more peacefully than you. I can't relate to you and can only try to imagine how you felt... but I still understand."

A stray tear rolls out of the corner of Changbin's eye. 

"Thank you", the dark-haired boy breathes.

"Don't thank me, idiot", Felix whispers before pecking Changbin's lips. 

"I will tell him about you. About us. And then we can be together for real, if you still want that."

Felix nods eagerly and pecks the older again. Still, he is a bit afraid that even if Changbin says and means it now, he won't be able to do it in the end. 

"I get this is not easy for you, yeah? I want you to be able to take your time and I'm not saying this to pressure you… but if I'm being honest to myself, it will still be a problem for me if you will always hide us until then", Felix mumbles. 

It is a predicament because Felix wants to be the person Changbin needs so much, wants to be there for him and put his own needs back and wait. But he doesn't know if he can be that person for Changbin. He feels like the weak seventeen-year-old boy that he is and he doesn't know how quickly he could make himself grow up, even if it was for the boy he loved. 

"I don't want to wait too long, for your sake but also for my own. I know they aren't good for me anymore, you helped me realize that. But… I'm scared. I want to do it as soon as possible though, as long as I'm still so convinced…", Changbin trails off. 

"Will you manage to do it until Saturday then?", Felix asks jokingly to brighten the mood a little. 

Changbin gives him a confused look. "Why?"

"Because of the party. I want to dance with you", Felix answers. 

That makes Changbin chuckle. "You are something else, Lee Felix. But fine, I'll do it before Saturday."

"Really?", Felix asks and smiles.

"Really."

His smile gets a bit wider and he gives Changbin a real kiss because he craved it so much. 

It is sweeter than their last kisses shared between periods in dusty corners of the school building. And Felix feels the familiar warmth spread through him that he missed so much. 

This feels a little too good to be true. He will have a boyfriend on Saturday at the latest if everything works out. And he will be able to dance with him and talk to him and kiss him, all in public, in front of his friends. 

Felix breaks away from the kiss to look into Changbin's eyes. "I love you. I wanted to tell you on Friday but it didn't come to that."

"I'm sorry", the older whispers as he touches his face gently, as if Felix would break otherwise. 

Felix shakes his head. "It's okay. I can tell you now. I can tell you every day now."

"Say it again, then", Changbin challenges him with a smirk. 

"I love you."

"You do?"

"So much", Felix confirms.

Changbin smiles at him as if he hung the moon and the stars in the night sky. 

"I love you too. So much", the black-haired boy gives back, cradles Felix's face in his hands and pulls him in for a deeper kiss. 

After a while, someone clears their throat on the other side of the door. 

"Boys, I'm sorry to interrupt. But dinner is ready", Changbin's father says. 

"We're coming", Changbin yells back.

"I just want to lie here with you though", Felix says through a pout, making Changbin coo at him. 

"We can continue here after dinner", the older proposes. 

"No, I should leave afterwards. I don't want my parents to have to pick me up so late."

"Then stay", the older boy proposes nonchalantly, gets up and pulls Felix with him. 

"Are you sure?"

"It's not like we haven't slept in a bed before. Although we might have to get an air mattress or something because my bed is so small."

"A small bed for a small man", Felix shrugs, smiling cheekily. He walks out the door and laughs when he hears the older gasp. 

"Lee Felix, you little rascal. Come back here!", Changbin yells and jokingly chases after him, making the younger yelp and rush quicker towards the laid table. 

Changbin's father is already seated there and watches the two in amusement. 

"I see the two of you made up?", he asks with a knowing look on his face. 

"You could say that", Changbin smiles as he sits down and takes Felix's hand underneath the table. 

In all honesty, the food doesn't taste very good. It's bland and has a weird texture, Felix doesn't even know what it's supposed to be. No wonder Changbin has no experience in the kitchen. But he still smiles because he feels comfortable with Changbin and his father. The two of them catch up on what happened over the few days that the boy didn't talk to his father and Felix feels content with listening. 

When they finish eating, Felix helps to clean the table, thanks Mr. Seo for the food and asks if it's a problem if he stays for the night. When the man assures him that it's fine and that he should make himself at home, the two boys go to Chanbin's room, back to the position on the bed they've been in before. 

"What are you thinking about?", Felix asks after a while. 

For the last minutes, the older has been silently staring at his ceiling while combing through Felix's hair. 

"How I will tell them. How they will react." Felix sees him gulp harshly. 

"I hope they will react well", Felix says and pecks Changbin's forehead. "But if they don't… you won't be alone, okay? You still have me", Felix tries to encourage the older. 

"I know. But I don't want to lose them. Especially not Deokhwan. I…  _ can't.  _ At least it feels like I can't. He's the only real friend I had before you and I know he probably isn't even my real friend… it's complicated."

"I know", Felix breathes out. "I know you feel like you need him and maybe you do and that's okay. But he can't keep treating you like that. Even if this wasn't about me too I would want you to try and change your friendship or distance yourself from it."

Felix sighs as he cards his fingers through Changbin's hair.

"But it won't change anything if you worry your brain about it now. So you should try to think about something else."

"That's easier said than done", Changbin huffs. 

"I'll help you", Felix says with a grin. 

He then climbs on top of Changbin and catches his lips in a gentle kiss. He goes over to sucking at the soft skin of the other's neck, behind his ear and over his collarbones, earning himself a sensitive groan. It weirdly spurs him on, so he continues sucking on those places as he slides his hands under Changbin's shirt. 

The older's breath hitches and Felix retreats immediately. 

"Too much?", he asks. 

Changbin shakes his head. 

"Too soon?"

He shakes his head again. "No, continue."

That confirmation makes him feel excitement and nervousness at the same time. He doesn't even know what he's doing, even less what  _ continuing  _ actually means. 

"Maybe we shouldn't. Not only as a distraction", Felix mumbles.

"It wouldn't only be a distraction. I love you, I like to have you close", Changbin says, sounding more certain about the words every time he speaks them. "We don't have to but you can continue if you want."

Felix wants to but he still doesn't know what continuing implies. 

But Changbin makes it easy for him as he takes his hands and guides them towards his shirt, making them pull it off together. 

Felix has seen many shirtless boys in his life and he has probably ogled more than half of them. But it was different, never this intimate.

Back in year six, he and his friend Marco hadn't gone that far with their experimentations. It was behind his friend's house and they were sitting on very uncomfortable garden chairs. That's pretty much everything he remembers because nothing really happened. They kissed and he recalls it being wet and a little icky and once their tongues touched accidentally, they immediately parted and never tried it again. 

He has long since passed that step with Changbin but undressing is still new territory and he feels hesitant to go further, even if it was his idea to begin with. 

"You're overthinking again", Changbin states as he circles the younger's waist. "What is it?"

Felix takes an uncertain breath. "I've never done this before. Anything more than kissing."

Changbin only hums and continues to caress his sides. 

"Have you?", he asks and bites down on his lower lip. 

"Only with girls, but yes", Changbin answers.

"With… with many girls?", Felix requires, his voice becoming thinner. 

"Felix", Changbin sighs. "I'm here with you now because I fell in love with you. I'm not thinking about all the girls I had, I'm thinking about you."

"So you had many", Felix concludes and swallows. 

It shouldn't be a problem and he isn't jealous or anything. Okay, maybe his irrational part is, but it's a very small part. He is more worried about all the experience Changbin has that he himself is lacking. 

"Is that such a big deal?", Changbin inquires, frowning. 

Felix shakes his head. "No. But I don't want to do anything wrong", he admits. 

That makes Changbin relax and he pulls the younger flat onto his bare chest to hug him. 

"There is no wrong, just go with what feels right and tell me if you don't like anything. And even if something happens that you haven't planned, just ignore it and laugh about it later. It's really not the end of the world."

Felix doesn't know why, maybe it's because the older writes songs, but he seems to know exactly what to say to make Felix feel at ease.

"And we don't have to do anything at all, we can just cuddle or do something else."

"Would you want to… with me?"

"Of course", Changbin admits with flushed cheeks. "I want everything that involves you."

Felix sits up again, still straddling Changbin, and playfully slaps Changbin's shoulder. 

"What, now a man gets punished for being honest?", Changbin pouts but Felix only laughs at him and kisses that pout away. 

He tests the waters by carefully placing his hands onto the older's chest, then he slowly moves down over his toned abdomen. He can see the goosebumps forming on Changbin's arms and he feels a little proud to be the cause of that. 

When he has felt Changbin's whole upper body with his hands, he takes off his own shirt. 

"Beautiful", he can hear the older mutter and it makes Felix blush madly. 

He travels over the older's stomach with his mouth this time, successfully shutting him up. In the meantime, Changbin's hands find their way onto Felix's exposed body as well and he starts to trail his finger over the younger's back gingerly. Felix shudders and feels how the same sensation he felt back when they were kissing for the first time in that alley comes up in his stomach area. God, that was only a few weeks ago but it already felt like so much longer. 

Changbin all but moans underneath him when he circles his tongue around the older's nipple at a sudden burst of confidence. Changbin buckles up his hips at the sensation, making their crotches meet and both of them groan. Felix didn't even realize that he was getting hard but here he is with his skinny jeans suddenly feeling way too tight. 

As if Changbin heard his thought, he flips them around and unzips the younger's pants as he leaves kisses on his neck and his chest. 

"Is this still okay?", Changbin asks and Felix nods his head eagerly, not trusting his voice. 

"Say it please", the older mutters between kisses. 

" _ Yes, please _ ", Felix whimpers and it sounds all too much like begging in his own ears, making him cringe.

"It's okay, baby. I got you", Changbin murmurs against his skin and pulls Felix's jeans down. 

"Socks?", Changbin asks. 

"Huh?"

"Should I take your socks off?"

"No, my feet will get cold!", Felix replies but then he rethinks his words and his cheeks flush redder. "Wait, that's unsexy, isn't it? Take them off."

Changbin only chuckles as he pulls the jeans over Felix's feet with some difficulties but he keeps the socks where they are. 

"You're sexy no matter what", Changbin says sits back down over Felix's legs. "Socks it is then."

Felix opens his mouth to say something but immediately covers it to muffle the moan forming at the back of his throat when Changbin starts palming him through his boxers. 

"Shit, why are you so good at this?", Felix enquires. 

"I'm not even doing anything yet", Changbin laughs. "But I will try something. I don't really know how, so you have to give me feedback as we go, alright?", he says, sounding a little nervous himself now. 

When Changbin pulls Felix's briefs down and he feels the older's warm mouth on him, he can't even think about talking anymore, much less give feedback. Not that it is needed anyway. 

It doesn't take more than a few minutes before Felix pulls on Changbin's hair harshly to get him to stop sucking him off before he reaches his high. It's an overwhelming feeling and a lot different from when he's alone. It has him feeling completely drained afterwards but the good kind of drained. 

"Wow, you really sucked all the energy out of me", Felix jokes and they both giggle. 

"We can just sleep now and clean up in the morning", Changbin proposes as he leans over Felix to kiss him. 

It's a little weird to taste himself on the other's lips but Felix doesn't mind it too much. 

"What about you?", Felix asks and feels over the boy's still hard crotch, making the older's breath hitch. 

"You're tired, you don't have to. We have time", Changbin answers with a lazy smile. 

He lies down next to the younger who turns on his side to make space for Changbin so that neither of the two would fall out of the small bed. 

"Hmm… what if I-", Felix thinks out loud and pulls Changbin's sweatpants and boxers down all at once.

"What-", the black-haired boy starts confused but stops when he feels Felix's small fingers wrapped tightly around him. 

"I don't know what to do", Felix admits as he tentatively strokes Changbin's length. 

"Just do what you usually do to yourself", the older instructs breathlessly as his eyes fall shut. 

Felix tries and it's easy from there because Changbin's face is directly in front of him, showing him every reaction of the older clearly. It's helpful since he knows when to adjust but it's also just beautiful to watch. 

"You're beautiful", Felix says back now and closes the gap between them with an open mouth kiss. 

At that moment, Changbin trembles underneath his touch and comes over his stomach and Felix's hand. He only stops moving his hand when the older blinks his eyes open and smiles at him. 

They lazily kiss for what feels like an eternity before provisionally cleaning themselves up with tissues and getting ready for bed. 

"Do you think we shouldn't have done that?", Felix whispers.

He feels insecure that they have maybe only done it to make all their problems go away, even if they wouldn't. To ignore everything and make it good even if it wasn't. 

But Changbin shakes his head and kisses Felix's knuckles. 

"I don't regret it, do you?"

Felix shakes his head. 

"Then it's all good. Don't overthink it too much if you enjoyed it", Changbin whispers and pulls him closer. 

And he's probably right with that and they can't change it now anyway. So Felix decides he could as well just relish the moment and sighs. 

"Thank you. For telling me all that earlier", Felix mumbles, cuddled up in Changbin's embrace on the single bed instead of an inflatable mattress. 

"It was long overdue", Changbin says as he presses a kiss on Felix's temple and switches out his nightstand lamp. 

"Good night, Lix."

"Good night, Binnie."

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They are on good terms again, yay~
> 
> Are you ready for Changbin's backstory in a little more detail in the next chapter? <3


End file.
